The divine up-yours.
Posted by Donna Freedman on Nov 3, 2010 | 31 commentsLast summer a relative told me that the only way to “protect” our border would be to allow the Border Patrol to shoot to kill. This eventually resulted in my writing an essay called “Who would Jesus strafe?”
Initially, though, it resulted in disbelief and sorrow. I cried as I drove away because his heart was so hard and so bitter.
I needed to do something to cleanse myself of that kind of hatred. And that’s when I came up with my evil plan:
I would make a donation to a cause that I knew this guy would absolutely loathe. And I’d do it in his name.
So I sent some cash to H., a woman I know who teaches in Los Angeles. She’s a Palestinian, a social activist, a non-accepter of the status quo, a questioner of authority and an all-around kickass person — the kind of woman, in fact, that my relative would probably want to shoot to kill, if only for the fact that she wears a hijab. In my note, I explained the situation and asked her to use the money on something for her classroom. Subversive readings, maybe.
I just addressed another envelope to her. This time the money will be in the name of Clint McCance, who wishes all gay teens would kill themselves.
Knowledge is alive
When I told another writer about this, she dubbed my plan of action “the divine up-yours.” I agree. It’s a petty little gesture but it’s also a form of prayer, this turning of dead-end sorrow into positive action. Instead of sitting and crying, I’ll be helping to fuel the next generation of subverters of the dominant paradigm.
H. encourages her students to subvert, to speak up, to participate in the world. I worry about what will happen to them once they leave her classroom. Will they be allowed to live their dreams? Will they be allowed to live at all? She recently heard from a former student whose high-school “guidance” counselor signed him up for ROTC without his knowledge or consent. Is he to be instead the next generation of cannon fodder?
That first time I wrote to her I realized that the partially used notebook I’d tossed in my suitcase was from the Summer Institute in the Arts and Humanities. That’s where H. and I met, back in June 2007; we’d both won fellowships to attend the two-month program. (Incidentally, SIAH was the genesis of another essay, “Turning invisibility into stealth.”)
From the first day of class were notes that seemed relevant to our post-university lives:
- “Knowledge is alive, rooted in social relations and most powerful when produced collaboratively through action”
- “New categories (accommodating) themselves to old thought patterns”
- “Respect for local custom and practices not as an obstacle to research, but as a site for possible learning and shared engagement and long-term social change”
Wait a minute. I need to respect customs like a “shoot to kill” mindset?
No. But I did need to try to understand them — and I needed to think of my relative as a human being, not as some gun-toting Tea Party caricature.
Dammit.
Understanding vs. forgiving
Perhaps, I thought, his anger and hatred are driven by fear: Fear of change, of the unknown, of losing power.
Perhaps he feels like less of a man because he sits at home all day, unemployed, while his wife goes to work.
Perhaps he’s looking for someone to blame. It’s got to be someone’s fault that his life didn’t turn out the way he wanted. It couldn’t be the result of a changing economy. Or globalization. Or corporate greed. Or even just the roll of the cosmic dice.
No. He is a middle-class, middle-aged white male. He has the absolute right to expect everything to go his way, always. So it must be….those Messicans! Yeah! That’s it! They ruin everything! Them and that #$@! Obama guy.
What a disappointed, angry man. He may never be truly happy because he can’t let go of what he wanted to have and will probably never get.
Understanding where my relative is coming from doesn’t excuse his douchebaggery, incidentally. It just puts it in context.
Understanding isn’t the same as forgiving. Not yet, anyway. In my church we speak a covenant in unison at the close of every service. It includes the phrase, “To promote Your reign of justice and peace, meeting hate with reconciling love.” I still struggle with that hate/love thing, even though I believe in its power.
At the moment I’m more in step with St. Augustine, who famously prayed for godly behavior – “but not just yet.” Reconciling love is what I strive for, but right now all I can think about is sending a few bucks to the Mexican-American Opportunity Foundation in my relative’s name.
Out of my comfort zone
It’s tempting to avoid people who don’t share my beliefs. It’s easy to think, “This guy is never going to listen to me, so why bother?” In fact, he said as much to me when I tried to speak to him about the issue of immigration: “It’s no good talking with you because you’re one of those liberals.”
I got irritated. But later I realized that I was using the same kind of essentialism on him: He’s one of those right-wingers. He’s never going to give me a moment’s serious consideration.
Even if that were true it’s no excuse for giving up. Paulo Freire, author of “The Pedagogy of the Oppressed,” wrote that real knowledge comes from “invention and re-invention, through the restless, impatient, continuing, hopeful inquiry people pursue in the world, with the world and with each other.”
If I close myself off from inquiry, then I’m not learning any longer. That’s not the kind of life I want. Since all my actions impact the world around me, it’s my cherished duty to make a difference. Otherwise I am perpetuating the status quo.
Some days, frankly, I’m not up to the challenge. I don’t want to discuss politics or religion or even the weather. Those are the times for reflection rather than action, for thinking, “What am I doing, or not doing, that could make a difference in the world?”
In large ways or small we can make that difference. It can be as simple as paying someone’s bus fare if he runs short, or volunteering for causes in which we believe, or speaking up when somebody makes a hateful comment. (It can also be as serious as teaching school – thanks, H.!)
We can create a world that’s welcoming to all, even the people we don’t particularly like. To do that, though, we need to examine our own behavior and motives. After all, I condemned my relative for being intolerant yet I initially responded with intolerance of my own.
Before I can learn to forgive him his hatred, I need to look a little harder at myself. It might be time to donate money in my own name, as a prayer for my own failings and a reminder to do better. “Reconciling love” is a great concept. It’s also a lot tougher than it looks.
I like the way you think.
And pity is a good way to defuse one’s own anger or helplessness, though probably not what the object of said pity would want.
When I was a little kid and learning about the saints, there were two Thereses. I thought of them as the interesting Therese, from Spain who kicked people who weren’t behaving out of churches and so on, and the boring little French Saint Theresa, who tried to live a good and quiet life, being the best person she could be. She tried to like people she hated so that she could be a better person herself. She did small good deeds as her health permitted.
As I’ve gotten older I now understand why that behavior is so saintly and why it’s so hard. She wasn’t a wimp (like I’d thought), but incredibly good at self-control and truly a good example and something to strive for. Something we can all be if we work hard enough at being better people.
Though some days I alternate that belief with realizing that sometimes I actually do need to be assertive against injustice, or at least advantage-takers-of. There are trade-offs. It is very difficult to know what is the best course of action in the face of intolerance and injustice.
This is the first time I’ve posted, your words should make all of us look inward more often. And on a lighter note, I learned a new word and know I’ll use it someday -”douchebaggery”! lol
@Sue: Welcome! And thank you for leaving a comment.
Re douchebaggery: Knowledge is power.
I love the idea of the donation. It must be healing but I don’t think that I would look to understand hatred. I’m more of an avoider. There are some things that I can’t fix and some people that can’t be enlightened.
I just can’t wait to see the outcome. He is going to know you did it.
While you’re at it, send him a subscription to Playgirl and send away for sex toy catalogs in his name. Big vengeance!
Seriously though, wonderful article! You put so much thought into this when you revisited this topic. It certainly gave me something to think about.
@Iamtheworkingpoor: Don’t tempt me.
And thanks for your kind words.
Great article. Lots to think about – I’m a UU and I struggle with that 1st principle “Valuing the inherant worth and dignity of all people…”
@Sis. Carol: Viva la lucha!
Thanks for stopping by. (Incidentally, it was our own DJ who called it “a divine up-yours.”
How can you sign someone up for the army without their consent? That’s messed up. Also, I think it’s great what you’re doing. Instead of getting angry you’re doing something. Doing something is always better than doing nothing.
@Melissa A.: I agree that it’s messed up to sign someone up for a military-related class without his consent. And it’s happened more than once, according to my teacher friend.
Some of these kids don’t know they’re allowed to say, “Wait a minute. I didn’t ask for that course. I don’t want that course.” Or they’ve been taught to obey adults, and at 14 it can be hard to speak up against someone who supposedly has your best interests at heart.
And I’m still angry. I’m trying not to be. Doing something, as you note, is not only better than nothing, it’s a way to rise above the anger.
Thanks for reading, and for leaving a comment.
Good job, Donna. Who wishes death for gay teens? Is that not evil and weak? Now, I could wish it on my ex, okay, I actually have had the wish, the hope, the desire…oh, yeah, to do it myself. But, teens are so vulnerable and gay teens face so much from their peers, often, that it seems so cruel for a grown man to have so much intolerance and hate in his speech for a child, any child. Apparently his maturity level and self-esteem is very low. But, I still do not pity him. I pity those he reviles. The DWEM (Dead White European Males) have done so much to injure others in so many ways. I often wonder when it will end. His majority status gives him the right to hurt the minority, the marginalized. Does he realize he picked an easy target? How much power he must feel! (sarcasm) As Andrea Dworkin commented, mens’ power existed a priori. It is upheld by all institutions of life. They make history their own. I wonder how proud he is of himself?
@Practical Parsimony: He originally said that he would disown his children if were gay. My heart aches for them if that’s the case: Imagine hearing your own father say he would hate you for who you are.
Apparently he’s been backpedaling like mad, saying he went “over the top” with his comments. Um, yeah.
People can change. It’s just that a lot of them see no need to do it.
Thanks for your comment.
I am glad to read towards the end that you came to the conclusion that your initial passive-aggressive response was not right, either. You were angry with him for being so angry with illegal immigrants. Anger does not cancel out anger. That was such a nice resolution to this post and it leaves me with a good feeling. Also, we should all be grateful that we live in a country with religious freedom and freedom of speech.
Amen!
I have done this sort of thing, too, and a lot more frequently lately. You’ve given me a few more ideas for up-yours donations. Thanks!
On a similar note…
I had a long-time friend who, over time, became more and more stridently hostile towards a particular religious group. Balmed “them” for everything, etc. You know the type.
Well, as a long-time friend, I tried to tolerate this and her, and dropped some hints about the corrosive nature of her beliefs. Didn’t help.
And said friend started sending me emails bolstering her position and opions. These emails became more and more incendiary. I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of that stuff. Nor did I any longer want to hear from her. Sad, but all that hostility erased any good feelings I had for her. So the friendship dissolved. And now she is out of my life.
How did I do it? One holiday season I went to the store, found a holiday card celebrating some holiday of said religious group and sent it to her.
Happily, never heard from her again.
Donna, another great essay. Thanks.
I’m not saying there aren’t teachers who abuse their power, but they aren’t ALL right wing nut jobs. Seriously, you don’t like 14 year olds who are taught to obey adults? I knew few teenagers who don’t very quickly develop minds of their own. It’s usually a struggle to get them through the teen years without permanently harming themselves.
And sending money to a cause in the name of your relative who is in direct opposition to it, is petty and childish. Because this woman you so admire wears a hijab and is pro Palestinian, does not necessarily make her a better person than your relative in New Jersey. You clearly have your own set of prejudices.
@LovesACat: Back up a minute. I didn’t say all teachers are right-wing nut jobs — you did. In fact, my dad was a teacher, my aunt was a teacher, my sister is a teacher, my niece is a teacher.
I also didn’t say that I don’t like obedient children. What I am saying is that a guidance counselor (not a teacher) doesn’t have the right to sign someone up for a course without his knowledge or consent.
And of course what I did was petty. I acknowledged that fact in the piece. Revenge is an ignoble motive and I’m trying to move beyond the need for it. In the meantime, someone will benefit from my spiritual struggles. (Incidentally, I make quite a few non-cranky donations as well.)
As I noted in the piece, the teacher is not “pro-Palestinian,” she is Palestinian. I admire her because of her mind and her heart: She believes in teaching children to think, rather than using what Freire calls “the banking method” of education (deposit knowledge for withdrawal at test time). She even pulls off the rather neat trick of being kind and fierce all at the same time.
And just FYI: Naturally I have my own set of prejudices. So do you. So does everyone. That’s why at the end of the piece I wrote, “It might be time to donate money in my own name, as a prayer for my own failings and a reminder to do better.”
Thanks for reading.
Okay, response well accepted.
@LovesACat: Thanks. I hope you’ll keep coming back to read and comment.
I have many of these moments in the classroom. The other day, as I walked in, I heard a student say “I hate Mexicans.” I said, “Why?” He said, “Just the illegal ones.” And I said, “Most of our families were illegal immigrants back in the day.” 30 jaws dropped, but they all agreed in the end.
@FrugalScholar: One of my classmates, a Native American fellow, wore a T-shirt with a photo of Geronimo and some other guys holding guns and the caption, “The original Homeland Security — fighting terrorism since 1492.”
Thanks for reading, and for leaving a comment.
Frugal Scholar, We should just pack ourselves up and send us back from whence we came. Okay, Ukraine, France, or Scotland, here I come…lol.
And, I don’t believe in Manifest Destiny, even though I have almost been bodily thrown from churches for vocally defying that teaching.
S.I. Hayakawa said it best–”We stole it fair and square.” Now, he is not approving of the actions from 1492 onward!
Students have had the same reaction when I have presented information in a similar manner when those students were grousing about illegals, meaning, of course, Hispanics. It does no good to present good arguments about talking bad about a certain people. Just pointing out how their forefathers were in the same condition and often reviled works. I asked how many people were of certain descent, and people proudly raised their hands. When I told them how hated their ancestors were, they became very thoughtful.
Newbie here today following a link from FunnyAboutMoney. Great post. I’ve struggled with a similar situation with several friends who are part of a group that gets together several times a month. One in particular is always baiting the conversation with similar outlandish statements. How to disagree without lowering myself to their level or just sitting back & saying nothing – the haters & racists shouldn’t get to define the conversation. At this point I just say ‘ you know, I disagree with you.” But until they want to actually have an adult conversation on the topic, why waste the time explaining myself?
@Valleycat1: You’re right about not being dragged down to their level; an editor I knew used to say, “Never wrestle with pigs — you get all dirty, and the pigs like it.”
But at the same time I know that if you let comments like that go by, you’re complicit. Even a simple, “Why do you say that?” or “That’s not been my experience — tell me about yours” can at least require the person to own up to what may have been a thoughtless, flippant remark. Calling him on it might be tough — but it might make him, or someone else in the room, think a little bit.
Or not. But at least you don’t lie awake that night and think, “Why didn’t I say something?”
Thanks for coming by, and for leaving a comment.
I haven’t written before. Just an observation…..I think that all religions are intolerant at one time or another and it’s this intolerant belief system that encourages predjudice.
Nothing against anyone’s religion……………
Great commentary, Donna. It can be so hard to put yourself in polarizing situations deliberately. Sometimes the best we can do is realize our shortcomings (like maybe a lack of patience for that day) and then keep ourselves out of trouble. I’m a “conservative” to most of my friends and colleagues, but a “liberal” to my family of origin, so I’ve had a lot of practice with that patience thing. (I’m getting better at aversion too, haha). Anyway – thanks for sharing some great thoughts.
Bless you, my friend. Such a good idea. Probably helps you more than “them.” Still, you might be changing minds, one brain cell at a time.
@Reta: I sure hope so! But you’re right, it does help me.
Thanks for stopping by.
Hm. I read this quickly and so maybe missed some of the subtleties. But where you say “…but I did need to try to understand them — and I needed to think of my relative as a human being, not as some gun-toting Tea Party caricature,” my off -the-cuff response is…well, it’s “no.”
No. You can’t forgive this kind of “thinking.” It would be like forgiving Hitler. Look. This is the kind of popularized and then institutionalized hatred that the Nazis promoted and exploited. And if you think it can’t happen here, think again.
I don’t even think you can understand it. I can understand it, yes, as evil. But that’s different from having an open mind toward it. This sort of mouthing off — “shoot to kill” — sure, it’s moronic. Sure, some of the morons would be appalled if they actually saw another human being bleeding out on the ground in front of them. But one incident would inure them to it. It’s moronic, but it becomes self-fulfilling.
It doesn’t matter whether the speaker is some guy who feels frustrated because his wife is still working and he’s not, or because she earns more than he does, or because he’s scared or stupid or whatever his excuse is.
Raw hatred is not understandable. Wishing death on teenaged kids is not understandable. Fear of brown toddlers is not understandable. Careless talk about inflicting a rough form of capital punishment, vigilante-style, on people whose “crime” is to cross an artificial line across territory that historically was their home and whose malign motive is to earn $7.75 an hour (or less — much less) with which to feed their starving families is not understandable. And it is not forgivable.
What we need here is for us knee-jerk liberals to quit being so f***ing understanding and to buy ourselves a few national media outlets and rise up on our hind legs, just like the loud-mouthed right wing-nuts, and holler and bully and threaten and propagandize in rage. Only in our case, we need to holler and bully and propagandize for what is morally right and for what is truthful. That is the only way the lies and the hatred can be counteracted.
All that is the matter with Mr. Obama — besides his being the wrong color for a certain contingent of the citizenry — is that he is too damned polite. Too damned understanding. And too damned forgiving.
@Funny: I disagree. Raw hatred is understandable — it stems from ignorance and/or lack of experience and/or trauma. I expect a lot of slaves hated white people, and who could blame them?
I am not saying that such hatred is perfectly fine. But it’s understandable. I don’t equate “understanding” with “acceptance.”
I don’t have, as you put it, an “open mind” toward this kind of behavior. I believe it is morally wrong. When I say “forgive,” I don’t mean giving carte blanche to go on being a hater (as the kids say). I’m thinking more along the lines of Jesus when He said “Father, forgive them — they know not what they do.”
Despite my anger at bigots, I still believe we need to embrace non-violent means to work for a better world. Loud is OK. Persistent is even better. But if we bully and threaten and propagandize, we’re no better than the Teabaggers.
People who hate can learn another way. It’s not likely — but it’s also not impossible.
Thanks for your comment. And yeah, I’d appreciate it if you’d give the piece a slower read.