The 2011 Talkeetna Bachelors Auction and Wilderness Woman Competition has come and gone in its usual whirlwind of oddity. Funny how it all seemed so normal at the time.
Last year I wrote about the auction in extensive detail. This year I decided to deliver scenes from the weekend as a series of tweets. I’m doing this because I need to get in the habit of posting more often on Twitter.
Note: This doesn’t change my conviction that no one should use the verb “tweet” unless he is, in fact, a bird.
Friday first impressions
Come on up to Bachelor/Wilderness Event! Roads not bad. Linda & I got here in 3 hrs. #littleoldladydrivers
While checking in at the Latitude 62 Lodge we see the world’s cutest 9-wk-old pup, an English mastiff. #madethegirlnoise
Pup’s name is Bella. Probably from “Twilight.” I say “Bela” as in Lugosi, due to needle-sharp teeth. #tetanusbooster
Usual retirees at the bar. #talkeetnaoldfarts
More facial hair in here than in entire downtown Seattle office building. #chinspinach
Linda’s buying pull tabs. I’m drinking Diet Coke. #partylikeyoureonprobation
Hotel room very basic. Who needs phone/TV? We’ve got pull tabs and bachelors. #minimalistsRus
Local color
At “downtown” Talkeetna brewpub. Met a lactation consultant from San Jose. #keepingyouabreastofthings
Her name is Debbie but a grateful dad made her a wand that says “Titty Fairy.” It has a breast on the end. #howuplifting
The breast on the end of the wand has little silver sprays. Ha ha! #letdown
I remember the letdown and the leakage well. Not my problem any more! #notbeingsupportive
Hope to see Debbie tomorrow and yell “Hey, Titty Fairy!” & watch bachelor heads swivel. “Titties?!? Where?” #tormentinglonelyguys
Friends from Anchorage join us at brewpub. One brought along teen son & Afghani exchange student. #explainTHISbackinkabul
The great outdoors
Heading outside for Parade of Lights: snowplows, ambulance, some pickups and a couple of floats. #iloveaparade(evenshortones)
Snowing. Parade is late getting started. What a surprise. #youreontalkeetnatimebaby
One “float” is a single anorectic Santa who looks to be shivering. Actually just the rutted road. #elvesmustbeonstrike
Q. What’s another name for the elves? A. Subordinate clauses. #englishteacherslovethatjoke
Candy being thrown from vehicles. I got two Rollos. Not true that I shoved little kids out of the way. #ohyesshedid
Last week it was 28 below here. Now it’s 20 above. #yayforcandyyoucanactuallychew
Bachelor float has pirate sail: a Jolly Roger affixed to floral bedsheet. #marthARRRRstewart
Bachelor float also has Viking-style dragon figurehead, made of old bucket & odd bits of ductwork. #drunkendiy
Most guys on float are pirates. One is Viking with horned helmet. #alltalkeetnaguysarehorny
Pirates and Vikings: Isn’t that sports miscegenation, i.e., baseball and football? #extrapointsforusing”miscegnation”inatweet
Parade so short they run it twice. More Rollos! Although the kids are fighting back. #begladtheydonthaveguns
Calling it a night
Bachelor meet ’n’ greet over at the VFW but Linda & I too tired to go. #godweareoldandboring
My niece arrives at 9:30 p.m. Parks her van out front for next two days. #everythingiswalkableintalkeetna
Snowing pretty good. 6 to 14 inches are predicted. #thankgodforshovels
Meteorologist is probably male: Only a guy would use 6 inches and 14 inches seemingly interchangeably. #notthatiwishtogeneralize
Hotel room lights go out suddenly. Surprised yelps from bar down the hall. #powerisasometimething
Rumbling sound outside. Lights come back on. #generatorsrock
We go to bed. I hear another rumble. Then I feel it: Earthquake! #roomsrocktoo
Rocking & rolling continues. Wonder aloud, “Do I need to get up & get dressed?” From other side of room a sleepy “NO!” #notleavingwarmbed
Saturday scenes
Decision time: Breakfast at the Latitude or at Talkeetna Roadhouse? We decide on both. #wereallaboutinclusion
One Roadhouse worker was 2010 auction MC. Now wearing floral apron vs. powder-blue tuxedo. #stylinjustthesame
Funnest item in bakery case: “Rudy in a parka,” cheese-stuffed reindeer sausage baked in potato dough. #runrunrudolph
Cheapest item: 3 cookies for $1. I bought 6. #staywarmwithagingersnap
Mac & cheese is in size and shape of a brick. Delicious, though. #starch:buildingblockofnutritiouslunch
Temps in mid-20s. I expect to see people in flip-flops. #coldisarelativeterm
Almost 30 in Wilderness Woman Competition time trials. Wow. #alaskawomenkickass
Loose dogs hang around for sandwich-making part of competition. #dogslovemustard
Viking guy from the float is the bachelor who shouts for sandwich & beer. Both are thrown at him. #whatdidheexpect
They’re using upholstered instead of folding chair. Classy! #mustardstainsnevercomeout
More daytime fun
We bid on many items at school bazaar’s silent auction. I get all 4 of mine. #supportinglocaleconomy
One item is T-shirt from final Talkeetna Moose Dropping Festival. #makingyourownfun
They don’t really drop a moose. It’s a festival celebrating ungulate scat. #closeencountersoftheturdkind
Linda once won a prize in the poop toss. I admire her so much. #creditwherecreditisdoo
Fun fact: Souvenirs are made out of moose nuggets. #touristswillbuyanything
Late lunch & bakery treats = no room for dinner. Breakfast served starting midnight if we get hungry. #soakingupthebooze
Auction action
Lulu Small sings about HFBFB, the “hot for ballin’ female blues.” Raucous cheers from female audience. #heeheeshesaid“ballin”
Many bachelors look young enough to need babysitters. I’m no cougar, though. #dontdateoutsidemydemographic
One looks so young MC assures us “he’s of legal age.” Good grief. #uppasthisbedtime
Bids low at first. Due to economy? #funcostsmoney
MC comments on nicely dressed bachelor: “Hard to find a suit in Talkeetna. You pretty much have to leave town.” #carharttsrule
Kilt-clad bachelor says 2 things worry him: “Frostbite & mosquitoes.” #ballroom
Working as a team, 2 women drive one bachelor’s price to $310. #guypooling
Bachelor offers “2 flight-sees & a snowplow.” Are these Talkeetna euphemisms for sex acts? #eeewww
Bachelor described as veryconsiderate: cooks, cleans & “still brings the wood in.” #heehee“wood”
Last year a bachelor offered a chimney cleaning. Don’t wanna think about the euphemism there. #chimchimcharee
Party your tail off
A guy who looks like Alfred E. Neumann goes for upwards of $400. #whatmeworry
Plaid boxers & bunny boots: Talkeetna stylin’! #eatyourheartoutGQ
Ultimate Talkeetna bachelor accolade: “He’s employed!” #youresweepingmeoffmyfeet
Linda spends $500 on guy she always gets. He’s engaged so it’s his last year. #anotheronebitesthedust
“Foxtail dance”: bachelor shimmies while wearing fox-fur jockstrap. #peterheater
Foxtail falls off! Luckily his back is to audience. #happenstoallofusaswegetolder
Highest bid of $2,100 is on MC, who reads semi-risque poem using Alaska place names. #moretalkeetnaeuphemisms
Linda gets her drink & dance w/bachelor. Then we leave. #wereallyAREold
Stepping outside we find…freezing rain. #areyoukiddingme
Snow, earthquake, power failure and now this? What’s next, blood & frogs? #probably
Sunday morning blowing down
Sunday morning knock at door: Move your car before snow falls off hotel roof & crushes it! #suckywakeupcalls
Niece vertical & coat-and-boot-clad in 5 seconds. #shedidntevenstoptopee
Check adn.com & read about high winds, torrential rain in Anchorage. #alaskansforglobalwarming
Also: Fences blasted flat, ATV trailers flipped end over end, roofs stripped off like tangerine peels #blowme
Meanwhile, outside hotel window I see puddles. Are you KIDDING me? #splishsplash
Snow has become ankle-deep pools of slush. Blech. #arewebeingpunished
The 17-year-old Integra’s feet are stuck. #spinningourwheels
My niece & a hotel cook taking a smoke break give us a push. #blesstheirhearts
Car lurches backward. Hotel guy goes to his knees. #sorryboutthat
He waves cheerfully. Smiles, too. #probablygotluckylastnight
Getting going
Huge Roadhouse breakfast. “Half” platter is 3 scrambled eggs, bacon, potatoes & toast. #oink
Our waiter? Last night’s most expensive bachelor. #poetrydontpaythebills
We buy more cookies in case we get stuck on the way home. #rationalizationisawonderfulthing
My niece gets a Rudy-in-a-parka to go. #muchcoolerthanpiginablanket
Despite crappy weather roads are fairly good. #neverdrivefasterthanyourguardianangelcanfly
The “Male Order Catalog” gets damp through bag thanks to melting slush by my feet. #dampcollectibles
No trees down or shingles missing at Linda’s house. #thankgodforsmallfavors
Talkeetna is done for another year. #wewillreturnin2012andhopeyouwilljoinus
Ok, Donna, that was a scream. Really. You are quite clever. Not just sayin’ that either! HA!
@Reta: Thank you. I had a lot of fun with the hashtags.
No Dill Dough this year? Enjoyed your hash tags.
One of my clients is a real “Wilderness Woman”. Check her out: http://wildernessdweller.ca/about-me/ In summer, she’s a short 150 mile jaunt from the nearest grocery store, although she lives closer in (about 30 miles out) in the winter. Built her homes with her hands, and has lived in the wilderness for nearly 30 years.
@Karilee: Some of the women who enter the competition are wilderness women for real, too. Some live closer to civilization if they want to have jobs, though.
That was hilarious, made even more so by the hashtags.
I don’t know which was more exciting – your play-by-play or the accompanying tweets which were hilarious!.
I really want to go to this event some day….or one like it.
@Ro: Start your Talkeetna Fund now and join us there next year. We’ll leave the lights on for you.
I really dont get twitter- have an account but dont find it useful. But now I can! I feel like i was right there in Talkeetna with you!
“Q. What’s another name for the elves? A. Subordinate clauses.”
Taking this and passing onto my teacher friend! Thanks for sharing another auction adventure!
Fantastic article – particularly enjoyed all the hashtags! And I had to look up Talkeetna Moose Dropping Festival. I wonder who came up with that idea..
And I thought twitter was dumb — this is hilarious! It’s like Haiku the way the tiny form inspires you to keep banging out those puns and pictures in 144 characters and devastating harsh tags. I feel like I was there!! I’m making myself late for work and giggling (heehee –“banging”). So well done!
Hi Donna, Your Tweets are very funny — sounds like it was another great night! Glad ou had a good time. So sorry I couldn’t be there. Hope to see you next year if not sooner!
Okay, the “subordinate clause” joke has gone all around the office. Thanks for making my day more merry and bright.
Glad you girls made it up again this year. We are already planning next years event. Loved your Tweets. See you December 1, 2012!!!
This was way too clever!! No bachelor to take home for you? Or wilderness woman? It sounds like quite a unique week end!!! The tweets were inspired.
@Barb: Thanks. Why don’t you join us next year? I think you’d fit right in. 😉
Sounds fun, did they put your tweets on a big screen at the front of the room, like FINCON11???
They were all funny, but being married to one who always does, this one won: #shedidn’tevenstoptopee
@Dr. Dean: Nope, this piece was written afterwards so no during-the-auction tweets.
And I think most women who have borne children would always stop to pee — amazingly, my niece has two kids and still managed to wait until she returned. The possibility of losing your wheels does that to a person.
OMG! A reason for joining Twitter if ever there was one! Tho, if I was reading them as they came in… my reaction might’ve had some folks thinking I was deranged! Thanks for that gutbusting laugh.
LMAO! Clearly, you have mastered tweeting. I gotta get to Talkeetna one of these days.
I just found this…I’m working backwards in your blog.
I am CRYING! YES!!! CRYING from laughing sooooo hard!
Love THESE!
The Talkeetna jaunts are always fun…Wish we were closer to the Lower 48 so I could get some of these wild wimmen readers to attend along with us.