A keener disappointment.

th 1 150x150 A keener disappointment.Those of you who read my daughter’s anguished non-post already know: There won’t be a baby this time, either.

Abby had been cramping and spotting since Dec. 20, and was fairly pessimistic about her chances. After three previous miscarriages, she knew her body better than anyone. The Dec. 31 ultrasound showed that the pregnancy stopped developing between five and six weeks in.

I didn’t really believe that they’d find a heartbeat. But I’d hoped, which means the disappointment is that much keener.

The doctor gave Abby the option of waiting up to a few weeks for the miscarriage to complete itself naturally, but the strain is telling on her. After discussing it with Tim today she decided to call the doc tomorrow morning about scheduling another D&C.

They’ve both thanked me for staying on to help out, but I feel pretty useless. About all I can do is cook, tidy up, do a little laundry, and urge water and healthy snacks during the day (in hopes they’ll counteract the sweets and treats we’ve been consuming in front of Netflix each night).

I’m taking long walks, pecking away at upcoming deadlines and calling DF several times per day. Also avoiding posting on my own site, because I wasn’t sure how to tell the same story all over again.

Faith is a learning curve

In short, I’m grieving. Not just for me, but for her. It’s so hard to watch her suffer, again. If I could take this burden on, I’d do it. Unfortunately we don’t get to choose.

I have the option of asking “Whyyyyyy?” yet again, but I’m pretty sure I’ll get the same resolution: that God answers every prayer and sometimes the answer is “no.”

I have to trust that there’s a reason for all of this, that God knows what He’s doing. Some days – say, every day since Dec. 20 – that’s tough to believe. Faith is a learning curve and right now I’m languishing at the near end of the vertical axis.

Intellectually I know we’ll get through this. But it’s not my intellect that’s hurting right now.

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51 Comments

  1. Holly S

    SOOO sorry to learn this. Is there any possibility for adoption? Could that be God’s plan – to give a needy child a good home?

    I have been checking the previous post everyday since 12/31 looking for news. The longer it took the more I realized it was not going to be the news everyone hoped to hear.

  2. I am so sorry. I am praying for all three of you there.

  3. So sorry for all of you! Yes, god has a plan. The hard part is waiting until it is revealed. Prayers still going out to you and yours.

  4. So sorry for your family’s loss. You’ve been in my thoughts and prayers and will continue during this sad time.

  5. Since I have been where your daughter is, I was hoping, hoping, hoping things would be better this time. I am so sorry.

  6. Will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. Never give up hope to turn sad times into joyous ones!

  7. Chores and food are really helpful with a loss.

  8. So sorry! Praying for healing for all of you.

  9. Donna …Please know, that though you feel you are contributing little, it couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s times like this when a gal needs her Mom…sometimes just breathing the same air provides great comfort…. I for one just wish these “kids” could catch a break. Best of Luck in the New Year in all your endeavors…

  10. So sorry for your loss.

  11. Kathy Mayin

    I am so sorry to hear this. My condolences to all.

  12. My heartfelt sympathies to you, your daughter and son-in-law. Nothing, nothing is harder than seeing your children hurt, no matter what their age. And you are doing more than you know, just by being there.

    • Donna Freedman

      I hope so…and you’re right about watching your kids suffer.

  13. Donna, so sorry for this tragic loss that all of the family must endure. At times of great loss and sadness, I’ve found that entering a small chapel in a church or hospital or campus (some place that speaks to you) is a great comfort. The simplicity, the candle warmth, the quiet has always allowed me to sob and ache, but it also somehow fills me with the strength to continue. In the spirit of kindness and caring, I share this with you and your family.

  14. ro in sd

    Condolences. My heart hurts for you all. I type this as we drive my husband to a new bout of chemo for his returned yet treatable cancer. I’d misery loves company I’m in.

    • Donna Freedman

      Oh, no. I’m sorry to hear about the recurrence of his illness. Hope you have some vacation hours you can take to be with him during this trying time.

      • Ro in San Diego

        Thanks for your well wishes Donna. Sorry about the typos should have said “If” misery loves company. My husband should be well enough to return to work Monday. I will of course support him as much or as little as he needs me to…

  15. Catseye

    I’m sorry that you, Abby and Tim have to go through this yet again, but I’m glad that you can all be together during such a difficult time. I’m praying for you all.

  16. I am so sorry for your guys loss. I will be praying for the whole family.

  17. I’m sorry, for all of you.

  18. Donna, hang in there. I still believe God knows what’s up, and He cares about all of you. I believe that deeply.

    My best to you and your daughter (whose blog I also read regularly).

  19. Catherine

    I’m sorry for you, your daughter and your son-in-laws loss. My prayers are with you and your family. May your hearts heal and your daughters body recover and may your faith sustain you through this difficult time.

  20. Praying for your entire family, Donna. I wish nothing but love and more love for your daughter!!

  21. You may feel ‘useless’ but you are anything but, providing support with your presence and keeping the household running while your daughter and son-in-law don’t feel up to it. Prayers to all of you for better days ahead.

  22. Donna, you and Abby are always in my prayers. It is so wonderful you have been able to help her and Tim right now when they need you so very much. God Bless You!

  23. I am so sorry. I will keep ypur family in my prayers

  24. Joan V.

    My condolences to you, Abby and Tim during this time. I am sending prayers for all of you.

  25. It’s soul crushing to have to go through this ordeal. You are doing everything you can and they clearly need all the support possible.

  26. I’m so very sorry for all of you. I’ve been where she is and know the hurt, disappointment and sadness. You will all be in my prayers.

  27. As my mom once told me, “Well sh*t. That sucks.” She wasn’t trying to be flippant…it was her gut reaction. Mine too, when I read your post. Struck a chord in me, as my doc informed me I have 10% chance of conceiving and 90% chance of miscarrying if I did conceive. Many folks had well-meaning reactions and suggestions, but most of them stung. Yes, maybe it is God’s will to adopt. Yes, God answers all prayers, even in ways we don’t like or anticipate. The truth is that right now, this “sucks.” And feeling it is ok. Hugs from afar.

    • Donna Freedman

      Thanks, Katie. And yep, it does suck.
      People mean well. They want to say something, anything — but the problem is that the “something” they say is generally not helpful. Example: One acquaintance suggested that they just “stop trying so hard,” adding that maybe if they “relax” they’ll be able to have a baby.” Gaaaaahhhhhh…..!
      Sometimes it’s better simply to say, “Well sh*t. That sucks.” Or a variation thereof.
      Thanks for reading, and for leaving a comment.

      • Yes, exactly.

        • Tracy Stone

          My thoughts exactly. I was going to put that, but thought it would be a little rough. But, yeah, “Well sh*t. That sucks.” It is a rough time.
          Thinking of the three of you.

  28. lostAnnfound

    I’m so very sorry to hears this sad news.

  29. Barbara Calder

    Life is not fair. Often it is darn right cruel. I wish I had something profound to say besides I am sorry but sometimes life just does not make sense. I am sending thoughts of love and peace your way. It is all I know to do in situations like this.

  30. I posted on Abby’s blog the day of her one word post. I knew mom would be hurting along with Abby and Tim.

    I can only say I am sorry. I have no other words of solace for you. I am truly sorry.

  31. I am truly so sorry to learn of this outcome……I had hoped that you would have a good report to tell us. And I believe that you are there, right now, by God’s design and purpose for your daughter. It doesn’t matter what you’re “doing”- you’re supposed to be there. We will continue to pray for your family, and pray that God will comfort each of you.

  32. I am so very sorry to hear that Abby will not be a mother yet, and you a grandmother. Such wonderfully warm and caring people should be so blessed.

  33. Cathy in NJ

    So sorry to read the news. May God give you the strength you need.

  34. There is nothing anyone can say that will make it better. Maybe nothing you can do will make it better. But there is something you can BE, which is THERE, and you are. It can diffuse and defuse the suffering. Soften and lighten the burden. I’m sorry for the pain, but glad you are there.

  35. AAAUUUGGGHH!!! NOOOOOOOOO THAT IS NOT THE NEWS I WANTED TO HEAR!!!
    I am sooooo very sorry as a ex-Labor and Delivery nurse…I can not imagine the anguish you and your daughter are going thru. I will keep you in my prayers….

  36. Donna, I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t even imagine what all of you are feeling! Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you, and I just know that you being there at this time is a blessing for Abby and Tim, and for you as well! I’m sure you are drawing strength and comfort from each other!

  37. Melissa F

    Sending along some prayers and my condolences to all of your family.

  38. Mirabella

    I am truly sorry for you, your daughter, and your son-in-law. May God comfort you all and bring healing to all your hearts.

  39. Kim Kelley

    Donna, I’m so, so sorry to hear that. I’m in the same place as you, watching my daughter have no trouble getting pregnant, but unable to stay pregnant. My heart breaks a little more each time, watching the pain she’s going through, as she desperately wants a child. It’s awful as a mom to have to just stand by and watch as your child’s life is torn apart. My condolences to your daughter, and also to you. All we can do is continue to be there for them, and hope.

    • Donna Freedman

      Exactly. :-(
      I wish both our daughters successful pregnancies in 2014.

  40. I recently reflected on Mom’s life, remembering that she too had the heartbreak of at least 3 miscarriages before she had me. She never talked about it except in passing as those were incredibly hard years in other ways (their first years in this country, in fact), but I was thinking of Abby and hoping for the best for her at the same time. I’m so sorry for the loss, for all of you, and really truly hope for good news next. And having you around during this incredibly hard time has to be balm to the soul, where anything can be balm. You never stop needing your mom with pain like this.

  41. so sad…it’s good that you are with her, you are a big comfort to your daughter I’m sure

  42. Donna, my heart goes out to you and Abby. We never stop hurting when our children hurt. Hugs!

    • Donna Freedman

      Thanks, Kay, and again: Thanks to all for kind words and prayers.

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