A couple of weeks back the doorbell rang but no one was there when DF answered. That is, he didn’t see anyone until he looked down. The solid part of the storm door had blocked his view of a small, sturdy youngster.
“I’m Orion, and I’m meeting my neighbors,” the boy announced.
Seems he was ringing doorbells up and down our cul-de-sac. Orion and DF chatted for a few minutes. Their conversation brought me up to the front of the house to listen in.
Orion is almost four years old and proud owner of the scooter lying at the foot of our driveway. He hoped we would come over and say “hi” to his mom some time.
Then he hopped on his scooter and kick-glided away, no doubt in search of more neighbors.
Initially the encounter charmed me because I grew up pretty free-range myself. Not that I was set loose quite that young, but I do remember walking from the babysitter’s house to my afternoon kindergarten class.
A long walk for a little kid: about a mile, and along a rural road where speed limits were more of a lifestyle option than a law. These days, letting a 5-year-old take that walk would probably earn you a visit from the Division of Family Services.
As we grew older we were given to disappearing for half the day, or the whole of it. Oh, we’d tell our mom “I’m going to Kathy’s” or “Bruce and I are going to ride bikes,” but she really had no idea where we were.
“Be home by dark” was what she’d say. That meant we were free to do whatever we wanted as long as we hit the back door while she could still see us coming in.
Sometimes bad things happen
In a way I feel sorry for today’s children. Too often they seem over-scheduled and unable to make a move without a parental escort. They don’t know the freedom of running down the road on a warm summer morning, relishing the chance to spend the whole day with a best friend.
Yet I also know that awful things happen to some kids who don’t have any supervision. When I once saw two little boys all by themselves in a windows-rolled-down car, I stayed in the parking lot until their dad came back to the vehicle.
But bad things happened back when I was growing up, too. It’s just that no one talked about them. My sisters and I suffered through obscene phone calls because we somehow thought it would be rude just to hang up on someone. A store owner in a nearby town kept trying to get me to go into the back room with him. As a high-school student undergoing medical tests, I was molested by a drunk who was visiting my hospital roommate.
One girl I knew was raped by a teen-aged relative on the way to the store. Afterward, he said that no one would ever believe her if she told on him. She never said a word to her parents. We were seniors in high school when she finally told me.
Our cul-de-sac is fairly quiet, and it isn’t one of those streets whose residents disappear between the hours of 8 a.m. and 6 p.m. At least a couple of neighbors are full-time parents, and I work from home. Whenever any kids are in the street – including the high-school student next door – I tend to keep an eye out.
(Maybe other residents do this, too. I’m embarrassed to say that I know only a couple of them, and only in a casual “Hi, how are you?” kind of way. DF thinks it’s time for a block party/cookout this summer, so neighbors can reconnect.)
Just a few blocks away, however, is a street with a surprisingly high number of registered sex offenders, probably because several apartment complexes are situated there. I don’t know how many were involved in crimes against children. Maybe none. But it does give one pause. In fact, I double-time it down that street when I’m walking to the post office.
Orion dropped by again a few days ago, announcing once again that he was meeting his neighbors. He’s young enough that he probably forgot he already met me. Part of me thinks that’s adorable. Part of me worries about him.
Readers: Do you favor helicopter parenting, free-range parenting or something in between the two?
Related reading:
- Two little boys, all alone
- Do kids still do these things?
- Order up at Café Awesome
- When is a toy not a toy?
Thank goodness my child would never do this. I wonder if his parents even know he is doing this type of meet and greet. I would be so scared for this child. During the cook out I would try and meet his parents and drop a little hint just so they are aware.
Hmmm….I assumed that because of the wording (“I’m meeting my neighbors”) that his parents told him to go say hello to everyone. Maybe not.
My husband was very much raised free range (and could probably have benefited from a bit strictness in some regards). I’m the opposite – parents from Asia who moved to NZ for the lifestyle but still had very different perceptions of safety and what was appropriate for kids (which I chafed at). Hoping to achieve some kind of happy medium with our future kids. Eesh.
AP and free-range are not mutually exclusive (it’s actually a pretty common combination in some cities). I think you mean helicopter.
Whoops, you’re right. Thanks. Although I have this mental image now of a parent “wearing” a 9-year-old kid and carrying him anywhere he wanted to go: free-range, yet still attached.
We were free-range kids, and there were a few of us that lived at the end of a dead-end street. We would go exploring in the woods, play baseball in a field that was between our street & the next one, and go to the park a few streets away in the summer to watch the local softball games in the evening. You were never alone, stopped & went home for dinner, and then didn’t come back until the street lights went on.
My kids did not have quite that much freedom. I think with cable TV & the Internet we heard so much about bad things happening to kids (and not just in our city, but all over the country news) that we became paranoid about letting them go out on their own.
We had a very large field behind our house, the site of many baseball games. We didn’t have much equipment, so those without gloves were outfielders. Sometimes we’d play all afternoon, or from right after dinner until it was too dim to see.
What a sweet story! A DF of over 50 years and I were just discussing this very subject. We grew up together in a semi rural setting and would often take off for the day. We had limits as to how far we could go, usually intersections of roads and like you… be home before dark. Our folks really had no idea where we were at exactly, who we were with and what we were up to. How sad it is that our children don’t have that same benefit. And have for all intents and purposes lost their innocence in the process. Play for todays kids IMHO is even more regulated..as our kids schedule “play dates” for their children. The play dates come with agenda and beginning and ending times….PLAY DATES!! Our days as kids might consist of following a stream or hunting along the side of the road to find deposit bottles to cash in at the country store…or just riding bikes to new areas to explore…or playing baseball in a cow pasture and cooling off in the adjacent stream. Sounds to me like Orion was born a couple of years too late….
Yeah, our “play dates” were pretty unstructured. We might play in the yard, or walk in the woods (which I would never permit now because I know we might not be the only ones there), or ride my BFF’s ponies, or dress dolls, or just lie on the grass under a tree and talk.
Having an agenda for an afternoon of play…Yikes.
Grew up in Pittsburgh in the 1960s and we had a reasonably free childhood: we went to the park and the swimming pool, and took the streetcar or the Inclined Plane downtown. Generally speaking, there was usually a crowd of us walking to and from school together, going to the store, etc. Most everyone I knew had at least 3 kids in their family, so there was always someone to walk with or hang out with, even if they weren’t your bestie. Everyone also seemed to have a parent or grandparent who stayed home — we walked home from school for lunch, for goodness’ sake — so I have to say that times are different today. I gave my own kids (now 27 and 23) tiny bits of freedom. They could walk 2 doors up the street to a friend’s house, but I stood and watched them till they got on the porch. They could walk ahead of me, but they had to stop at every street corner. When they got older, I’d take them to the mall, but I sat in the food court with my cell phone (and met a lot of other parents who were doing the same thing!). And yes, we were warned about sexual predators, but not in so many words. I’m not totally nostalgic for those days because as Donna pointed out, a lot of crimes were swept under the rug, and a lot of people suffered needlessly because those perps went on to reoffend.
Exactly. I wonder if the teen who attacked my friend went on to rape more girls/women. It might have been a crime of opportunity for him, but I also think his attitude might have been, “I got away with it once, so….”
Growing up in the 60’s and 70’s in a medium sized Midwestern town, I had one fun childhood! Everyone knew everyone, and everyone was friendly. Everyone would also notify parents of misbehavior, so I can honestly say we were pretty good. I’m sure Mom had no idea where we were half the time, but all she needed to do was yell for us and we’d appear. We knew which yards we could use for play and which yards to avoid (usually older, childless couples).
My own kids grew up in a similar neighborhood in the 80’s, but it was different. I did not worry about their safety per se, but I wondered about the behavior of the kids. Things had changed. Kids no longer had the respect we did for boundaries, and the parents supported the kids rather than disciplining them. One set of boys were so onerous that they would destroy, make noise, and generally be brats. One neighbor called the parents, and instead of setting the boys straight, they bought up all the vacant land in the area, thus allowing the boys more freedom. Another kid walked into my home searching for my son and found daughter in bathroom. I banned him from the house, and when his parents heard about that, they stormed onto our property and threatened to sue.
Sadly, things have changed.
I think a combo is good. I was never too worried about leaving my kids in the car while I ran a quick errand or letting them walk to friends house. But the rule was that they needed to let us know where they were in case we needed to get in touch with them in a hurry.
I grew up in a small town where everyone knew each other. We would roam and be home before dark. Think my grandmother was just glad to get rid of me for the day. People would report if you were doing wrong or anything out of the ordinary happened. Later on I was allowed out after dark and I pulled some things I shouldn’t have. When I think now of what could have happened, I shutter. I kept more of a closer watch over my daughter growing up, but left her have some freedom. I keep watching how times have changed and I wouldn’t let a kid run free today through this town. I would try and keep them involved with things and invite kids to my house and off the streets. We also have pedophiles living in our town. My husband and I went to a mall twice in the last two weeks. We saw two couples leaving their kids walk quite a ways behind them and they hardly looked back at all to see if they were coming on behind. Anyone could have grabbed them and taken off. Then another couple left their toddler go to the other end of a store by themselves wandering. It is so scary. You want to go and shake the parents and say wake-up, but you can’t butt in. I too, just kept a watch till the dad finally came around to get him.
I grew up in the 70’s (ages 6-16) and was very much a free range kid, as were all the kids in the neighborhood. Most of the moms back then where at home and about 20-30 percent had jobs – mostly teachers. We went out in the morning and came back after the Gabler’s dinner triangle (hanging off their back porch) was rung by Mrs. Gabler usually sometime after 5 o’clock. After dinner we’d be back out playing until it got dark or we heard our moms yell. We would go out to the lot by the main road, a two lane double yellow line Route 30 in central Pennsylvania, (now a 6 lane highway) and play impromptu games of baseball, football, kickball. We’d also play right in the street when we wanted a hard surface – like for tennis. We would bike and skateboard up to several miles in all directions the only limit was not crossing the main road. (route 30 in York, Pa. if you want to check out what it looks like on Google maps these days – it’s huge). After dinner we would go right back out and play until it was dark and we could see the frisbee or ball anymore or our mom’s called us in for bath and bed. Hardly anyone had air conditioning and it was always nicer to be outside playing than inside our sweltering houses in the summer.
I always walked to school by myself or with my brother when he started school, from kindergarten on up to high school. My mom walked with me on the very first day of kindergarten and after that I was on my own.
I’ve tried to treat my own kids the same. We live in West Windsor, NJ where Meghan Kanka’s body was discovered after she went missing from her neighboring Hamilton, NJ home and for whom Meghan’s law (the first of the state registry laws) is named. When my kids were in elementary school we lived 1/4 mile from the back of their school and they walked down our sidewalk and into the playground all by themselves until they were old enough to ride a bike and then they rode their bikes and had to be responsible to lock them up at the bike rack by the school. I did put helmets on them, which is something we never wore. Did they even have helmets back then? Most, if not all, of the other parents walked their kids all the way to the school doors and picked them up after school. I think they thought I was a bit crazy or negligent.
When my kids were older they were able to bike to nearby friend’s homes and even to the local strip mall when they were in middle school. I started leaving my oldest home alone when I would go out with my younger 2 at age 9 and she started watching her 2 younger brothers when she was 11 after having taken a safe sitter’s course at the local high school and getting cpr certified.
I taught all three of my kids to cook at quite a young age – 6, and they were using the stove by 9 or 10. We only had one instance of fish sticks being put in the microwave for 30 minutes instead of 3 minutes. Did you know fish sticks will scorch and burn in the microwave?! Also, one instance of a child cooking in the toaster oven without permission, since we were out, and had explicitly said no cooking while we were gone, in case he got in over his head. (Can you guess it was the same kid) Fortunately it was the following week when the 17 year old toaster oven decided to go up in a puff of smoke. That was a good life lesson for him to learn not to use it when we weren’t home.
I am happy that I have raised self sufficient and independent kids. They all know how to do their laundry (since high school), cook, clean, even a bathroom (you don’t use wet toilet paper, another lesson learned), clean a car inside and out, and ask for help when they need it. My older two are now in colleges both far from home – one on the opposite coast. The youngest is about to get his driver’s license in a month and is also looking to the west coast for school. I hope my method of free range parenting holds them in good stead for the rest of their lives and that they pass it on to their children.
Another ’60s-’70s kid here. Your upbringing sounds like mine, except that my rural town never got any bigger. It still doesn’t have as much as a stoplight.
I let my daughter walk to the school bus stop (visible from our front door) because other kids were there. These days I see parents waiting with the children. Starting at about age 11 Abby was allowed to come home by herself vs. having a sitter. She had a couple of chores to do in addition to homework, which kept her fairly occupied until I got home from work.
Sometimes she would make up a “menu” based on what we had in the fridge and announce it was “dinner and movie night” — which meant we’d watch something we’d previously taped (remember VCRs?) and eat leftovers. Good times!
And a great big YES! with regard to teaching what my dad called “useful life skills.” By the fourth grade I could make dinner for six (until then I merely helped with preparations) and was allowed to use the oven to bake on my own. My siblings and I could also wash laundry, hang it out and then bring it in and iron it. We could do just about any cleaning job, weed a garden, mow a lawn and babysit for kids who were barely younger than ourselves.
Why, yes, I do think today’s kids are overly coddled. They’re also being deprived of the chance to develop skills, contribute to the overall welfare of their families and take pride in jobs well done.
/rant
I now live off of Rt. 30 in PA, and can’t imagine kids or adults crossing some areas of that road.
I grew up in the 60’s and was pretty free-range. We’d stay out all day in the summer and go home for supper and then back out until dark. My parents probably didn’t know where we were half the time. My mom stayed at home so I think we probably checked in periodically.
I was not this lenient with my kids, probably partly because their friend’s parents worked and were not around and I was at work too. I wanted them to be home so I at least knew where they were (not necessarily what they were doing). I know with my own kids, who grew up in the 80’s and 90’s, they went to a friend’s home and their friends came to our home to play, not just out to run around, like we did. One thing in particular I noticed was in our childhood, if you wanted a drink or something to eat or use the bathroom, you went home. I noticed with my kids, we were providing the bathroom and food and drink for a lot of kids. Nobody went to their own house for these things.
I think one reason childhoods are so different now is that there is so much competition. It seems that every activity a child does includes competitiveness…kids don’t just learn to swim, they join a swim team and compete against other kids. Most of the kids I know are in controlled activities. This is true in small towns as well as midsized and larger cities. So parents end up being part of the activity to make sure the kids start on time and are gone on time. I see this with my own grandkids. I oftentimes feel that I’m a taxi service and I seem to participate (from the sidelines) in the activity that the kids are engaged in. Or I just volunteer to do something because I’m there anyway. Are we afraid that the kids wouldn’t know what to do if we didn’t load them up with activities?
This! For example, kids who wanted to play baseball just showed up at our house. Little League did exist the next town over, and my brother played a couple of seasons, but it wasn’t as much fun as playing with all the other kids behind the house.
We rode bikes, we went swimming, we climbed trees….There was no such thing as a “play date.” Parents are not just taxis but also social secretaries. Sigh.
I & my siblings were free range kids. Totally unfettered free range kids. Shockingly, we were free range in one of the largest towns in the nation… Houston, Texas. This was during the 1960s. We left home after breakfast & returned home just before dark. We did all the usual kid stuff. I think riding on the bike trails down at the local creek was our favorite past time. One of the worst serial killers in our nation’s history owned a home on the other side of town from where we lived. He was killing teen age boys. That created a lot of shock & fear, after the story got out. But by then, we were big ole teenagers & of course we were immortal, in our opinion…
My son had the privilege of growing up free range, but only because I moved to a tiny town out in the boonies. Then I moved to a house that was 10.5 miles from nowhere… He had 15 acres to roam. But he actually had hundreds of acres on to roam because I somehow couldn’t make him understand that he shouldn’t be trespassing on our neighbor’s property… =/ And believe me, our neighbors would call me to tell me what bad thing my son was doing at the time…
I can laugh about it now. It used to bother me at the time though.
I wanted to teach my son to cook & do laundry… I was totally shocked when my mom wouldn’t permit it… at any age… This is the same woman who taught all her kids to cook, wash dishes, take out trash, do laundry & do yard work… I never figured that out. My son grew up in the 80s & 90s.
I hope he has good memories of his childhood, just like I do.
My husband and I have frequently spoken about how sorry we feel for the lifestyles of children today. My husband remembers packing a lunch early in the morning and riding away on his horse. His parents never really knew where he was and only requested that he be back by dinnertime. A friend of mine is the son of one of the former governors of Jamaica. He talked about how he and his friends would leave the house and not come back for days in the summertime!!! They would build fires, camp out on the beach, and fish. They also would build their own skiff from scratch and actually sail it in the ocean! The parents were never worried as long as they were back in three days or so.
I once watched a kid kneeling on a piece of rigid foam and paddling away in some icy water in Kotzebue, Alaska. Adults were nearby but didn’t seem concerned that he might slip off. Brrrr…..
I bet those kids in Jamaica had a blast while camping on the beach. Those sound like great memories.
Yup, grew up free range in a Midwestern suburban neighborhood with country close by – best of both worlds. Our street had a pack of kids and mostly stay-at-home moms, so we DID have eyes on us, just not helicoptering.
Why don’t you do as Orion asked, and stop by to meet his mom? That way you’ll know more about his family situation.
And yes, probably the same proportionate number of crimes against kids happened when we were young (I’m about to turn 62) but there wasn’t the amount of media to broadcast it, and “secrets” were still kept out of embarrassment.
I grew up pretty free range in the 80s – I was six in 1980. We lived on a dead end street with lots of kids. The rules were not to leave the street without permission and be in when the street light goes on. Being a dead end street, there was little traffic, so we often played ball games and such in the street. Adam Walsh’s abduction was the beginning of the end for free range kids, IMHO. And he wasn’t even free-ranging, he was at Sears. Scared a lot of parents, though.
I was raised by two Siberian Huskies:) My mom would let me and my girlfriend roam if the dogs were with us. We walked everywhere with the dogs, trails in the woods, to the college fire lakes and all around the neighborhood. If we needed to go into a store one of us would stay outside with the two dogs and the other would go shopping. We would get home usually before dark and alternate which house we would go to for dinner. People we met were very friendly to us remarking about the dogs and stopping and chatting all the time. I think the dogs kept people who might want to cause trouble far away.
Your mom was very smart. Dogs are people magnets, but they’re also good judges of character and I think some bad guys know that — or else they’d just be afraid the dogs would bite them.
Hmmm, I think “almost 4” is too young to be going to stranger’s houses by himself, but I do like the sentiment.
There are times I wish I could give my kids a bit more free reign (although they are still very young – preschool age) or leave them in the car for a minute while I grab the drycleaning (and can see them the whole time).
BUT, I keep reading about parents being arrested for letting their kids walk home alone from a park (the kid was 10!!) or leaving a perfectly happy 6 year old in the car for 5 minutes. And then they have to fight the courts to keep their kids. Just doesn’t seem worth it.
I grew up free range kid from a large family and am a better person for it.
I’m going to share a sad story, though, so be warned. When she was six, my youngest sister’s best friend was killed by a neighborhood boy. It seems he was having a rough time in his life. Apparently she teased him more than he could bear one day and he lost it. He snapped her neck and hid her body in an empty house. When she was found, there was enduring sadness for both families.
The boy was tried and institutionalized for life. His family remained in the neighborhood, which was incredibly brave of them. The girl’s mother eventually moved away and wrote a book. None of us was untouched by the sadness of the situation. We all remember them both to this day.
Here’s the amazing part: my parents did not pull in the reins. There was much conversation about what happened, but we were still allowed our freedom. I think my parents were incredibly wise and brave. Random bad things will happen in life and teaching your children how to be safe and make good choices is much more important and difficult than trying to shield them from every single thing that life throws out.
My mom just passed away, so I never really thanked her for making such a brave choice, but I think I’ll go call my dad…
Diane: That is a terribly sad story. But thank you for sharing the decision your family made. They were right in that we can’t prevent every bad thing that might happen.
I grew up in the country so if you went to play with someone it was a good three miles away. Bikes, horses, by foot. We would take off in the morning, come home at night. Especially in the summer. We would take off and mom would say come home when you are hungry, knowing we would be back in by dark, sometimes late dark. We didn’t have a phone, so there was really no way of our parents knowing where we were. Go figure.
My kids had free range also, but I knew where they were. If they went from the play ground to the a friends house they had to tell me and I always told them to come when they got hungry or dark. They and I grew up fine.
Getting to make your own choices and decisions helps to mature you in life.
It’s sad that our world has to the point where you can’t allow your kids to walk over to a neighbors house to meet them. Really sad.