Tweets from Talkeetna.

The 2011 Talkeetna Bachelors Auction and Wilderness Woman Competition has come and gone in its usual whirlwind of oddity. Funny how it all seemed so normal at the time.

Last year I wrote about the auction in extensive detail. This year I decided to deliver scenes from the weekend as a series of tweets. I’m doing this because I need to get in the habit of posting more often on Twitter.

Note: This doesn’t change my conviction that no one should use the verb “tweet” unless he is, in fact, a bird.

Friday first impressions
Come on up to Bachelor/Wilderness Event! Roads not bad. Linda & I got here in 3 hrs. #littleoldladydrivers

While checking in at the Latitude 62 Lodge we see the world’s cutest 9-wk-old pup, an English mastiff. #madethegirlnoise

Pup’s name is Bella. Probably from “Twilight.” I say “Bela” as in Lugosi, due to needle-sharp teeth. #tetanusbooster

Usual retirees at the bar. #talkeetnaoldfarts

More facial hair in here than in entire downtown Seattle office building. #chinspinach

Linda’s buying pull tabs. I’m drinking Diet Coke. #partylikeyoureonprobation

Hotel room very basic. Who needs phone/TV? We’ve got pull tabs and bachelors. #minimalistsRus

Local color
At “downtown” Talkeetna brewpub. Met a lactation consultant from San Jose. #keepingyouabreastofthings

Her name is Debbie but a grateful dad made her a wand that says “Titty Fairy.” It has a breast on the end. #howuplifting

The breast on the end of the wand has little silver sprays. Ha ha! #letdown

I remember the letdown and the leakage well. Not my problem any more! #notbeingsupportive

Hope to see Debbie tomorrow and yell “Hey, Titty Fairy!” & watch bachelor heads swivel. “Titties?!? Where?” #tormentinglonelyguys

Friends from Anchorage join us at brewpub. One brought along teen son & Afghani exchange student. #explainTHISbackinkabul

The great outdoors
Heading outside for Parade of Lights: snowplows, ambulance, some pickups and a couple of floats. #iloveaparade(evenshortones)

Snowing. Parade is late getting started. What a surprise. #youreontalkeetnatimebaby

One “float” is a single anorectic Santa who looks to be shivering. Actually just the rutted road. #elvesmustbeonstrike

Q. What’s another name for the elves? A. Subordinate clauses. #englishteacherslovethatjoke

Candy being thrown from vehicles. I got two Rollos. Not true that I shoved little kids out of the way. #ohyesshedid

Last week it was 28 below here. Now it’s 20 above. #yayforcandyyoucanactuallychew

Bachelor float has pirate sail: a Jolly Roger affixed to floral bedsheet. #marthARRRRstewart

Bachelor float also has Viking-style dragon figurehead, made of old bucket & odd bits of ductwork. #drunkendiy

Most guys on float are pirates. One is Viking with horned helmet. #alltalkeetnaguysarehorny

Pirates and Vikings: Isn’t that sports miscegenation, i.e., baseball and football? #extrapointsforusing”miscegnation”inatweet

Parade so short they run it twice. More Rollos! Although the kids are fighting back. #begladtheydonthaveguns

Calling it a night
Bachelor meet ’n’ greet over at the VFW but Linda & I too tired to go. #godweareoldandboring

My niece arrives at 9:30 p.m. Parks her van out front for next two days. #everythingiswalkableintalkeetna

Snowing pretty good. 6 to 14 inches are predicted. #thankgodforshovels

Meteorologist is probably male: Only a guy would use 6 inches and 14 inches seemingly interchangeably. #notthatiwishtogeneralize

Hotel room lights go out suddenly. Surprised yelps from bar down the hall. #powerisasometimething

Rumbling sound outside. Lights come back on. #generatorsrock

We go to bed. I hear another rumble. Then I feel it: Earthquake! #roomsrocktoo

Rocking & rolling continues. Wonder aloud, “Do I need to get up & get dressed?” From other side of room a sleepy “NO!” #notleavingwarmbed

Saturday scenes
Decision time: Breakfast at the Latitude or at Talkeetna Roadhouse? We decide on both. #wereallaboutinclusion

One Roadhouse worker was 2010 auction MC. Now wearing floral apron vs. powder-blue tuxedo. #stylinjustthesame

Funnest item in bakery case: “Rudy in a parka,” cheese-stuffed reindeer sausage baked in potato dough. #runrunrudolph

Cheapest item: 3 cookies for $1. I bought 6. #staywarmwithagingersnap

Mac & cheese is in size and shape of a brick. Delicious, though. #starch:buildingblockofnutritiouslunch

Temps in mid-20s. I expect to see people in flip-flops. #coldisarelativeterm

Almost 30 in Wilderness Woman Competition time trials. Wow. #alaskawomenkickass

Loose dogs hang around for sandwich-making part of competition. #dogslovemustard

Viking guy from the float is the bachelor who shouts for sandwich & beer. Both are thrown at him. #whatdidheexpect

They’re using upholstered instead of folding chair. Classy! #mustardstainsnevercomeout

More daytime fun
We bid on many items at school bazaar’s silent auction. I get all 4 of mine. #supportinglocaleconomy

One item is T-shirt from final Talkeetna Moose Dropping Festival. #makingyourownfun

They don’t really drop a moose. It’s a festival celebrating ungulate scat. #closeencountersoftheturdkind

Linda once won a prize in the poop toss. I admire her so much. #creditwherecreditisdoo

Fun fact: Souvenirs are made out of moose nuggets. #touristswillbuyanything

Late lunch & bakery treats = no room for dinner. Breakfast served starting midnight if we get hungry. #soakingupthebooze

Auction action
Lulu Small sings about HFBFB, the “hot for ballin’ female blues.” Raucous cheers from female audience. #heeheeshesaid“ballin”

Many bachelors look young enough to need babysitters. I’m no cougar, though. #dontdateoutsidemydemographic

One looks so young MC assures us “he’s of legal age.” Good grief. #uppasthisbedtime

Bids low at first. Due to economy? #funcostsmoney

MC comments on nicely dressed bachelor: “Hard to find a suit in Talkeetna. You pretty much have to leave town.” #carharttsrule

Kilt-clad bachelor says 2 things worry him: “Frostbite & mosquitoes.” #ballroom

Working as a team, 2 women drive one bachelor’s price to $310. #guypooling

Bachelor offers “2 flight-sees & a snowplow.” Are these Talkeetna euphemisms for sex acts? #eeewww

Bachelor described as veryconsiderate: cooks, cleans & “still brings the wood in.” #heehee“wood”

Last year a bachelor offered a chimney cleaning. Don’t wanna think about the euphemism there. #chimchimcharee

Party your tail off
A guy who looks like Alfred E. Neumann goes for upwards of $400. #whatmeworry

Plaid boxers & bunny boots: Talkeetna stylin’! #eatyourheartoutGQ

Ultimate Talkeetna bachelor accolade: “He’s employed!” #youresweepingmeoffmyfeet

Linda spends $500 on guy she always gets. He’s engaged so it’s his last year. #anotheronebitesthedust

“Foxtail dance”: bachelor shimmies while wearing fox-fur jockstrap. #peterheater

Foxtail falls off! Luckily his back is to audience. #happenstoallofusaswegetolder

Highest bid of $2,100 is on MC, who reads semi-risque poem using Alaska place names. #moretalkeetnaeuphemisms

Linda gets her drink & dance w/bachelor. Then we leave. #wereallyAREold

Stepping outside we find…freezing rain. #areyoukiddingme

Snow, earthquake, power failure and now this? What’s next, blood & frogs? #probably

Sunday morning blowing down
Sunday morning knock at door: Move your car before snow falls off hotel roof & crushes it! #suckywakeupcalls

Niece vertical & coat-and-boot-clad in 5 seconds. #shedidntevenstoptopee

Check adn.com & read about high winds, torrential rain in Anchorage. #alaskansforglobalwarming

Also: Fences blasted flat, ATV trailers flipped end over end, roofs stripped off like tangerine peels #blowme

Meanwhile, outside hotel window I see puddles. Are you KIDDING me? #splishsplash

Snow has become ankle-deep pools of slush. Blech. #arewebeingpunished

The 17-year-old Integra’s feet are stuck. #spinningourwheels

My niece & a hotel cook taking a smoke break give us a push. #blesstheirhearts

Car lurches backward. Hotel guy goes to his knees. #sorryboutthat

He waves cheerfully. Smiles, too. #probablygotluckylastnight

Getting going
Huge Roadhouse breakfast. “Half” platter is 3 scrambled eggs, bacon, potatoes & toast. #oink

Our waiter? Last night’s most expensive bachelor. #poetrydontpaythebills

We buy more cookies in case we get stuck on the way home. #rationalizationisawonderfulthing

My niece gets a Rudy-in-a-parka to go. #muchcoolerthanpiginablanket

Despite crappy weather roads are fairly good. #neverdrivefasterthanyourguardianangelcanfly

The “Male Order Catalog” gets damp through bag thanks to melting slush by my feet. #dampcollectibles

No trees down or shingles missing at Linda’s house. #thankgodforsmallfavors

Talkeetna is done for another year. #wewillreturnin2012andhopeyouwilljoinus

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  1. Reta Davis

    Ok, Donna, that was a scream. Really. You are quite clever. Not just sayin’ that either! HA!

  2. No Dill Dough this year? Enjoyed your hash tags.

    One of my clients is a real “Wilderness Woman”. Check her out: http://wildernessdweller.ca/about-me/ In summer, she’s a short 150 mile jaunt from the nearest grocery store, although she lives closer in (about 30 miles out) in the winter. Built her homes with her hands, and has lived in the wilderness for nearly 30 years.

    • Donna Freedman

      @Karilee: Some of the women who enter the competition are wilderness women for real, too. Some live closer to civilization if they want to have jobs, though.

  3. That was hilarious, made even more so by the hashtags.

  4. Ro in San Diego

    I don’t know which was more exciting – your play-by-play or the accompanying tweets which were hilarious!.

    I really want to go to this event some day….or one like it.

    • Donna Freedman

      @Ro: Start your Talkeetna Fund now and join us there next year. We’ll leave the lights on for you.

  5. I really dont get twitter- have an account but dont find it useful. But now I can! I feel like i was right there in Talkeetna with you!

  6. lostAnnfound

    “Q. What’s another name for the elves? A. Subordinate clauses.”

    Taking this and passing onto my teacher friend! Thanks for sharing another auction adventure!

  7. Fantastic article – particularly enjoyed all the hashtags! And I had to look up Talkeetna Moose Dropping Festival. I wonder who came up with that idea..

  8. priskill

    And I thought twitter was dumb — this is hilarious! It’s like Haiku the way the tiny form inspires you to keep banging out those puns and pictures in 144 characters and devastating harsh tags. I feel like I was there!! I’m making myself late for work and giggling (heehee –“banging”). So well done!

  9. Hi Donna, Your Tweets are very funny — sounds like it was another great night! Glad ou had a good time. So sorry I couldn’t be there. Hope to see you next year if not sooner!

  10. Okay, the “subordinate clause” joke has gone all around the office. Thanks for making my day more merry and bright.

  11. Pam Rannals

    Glad you girls made it up again this year. We are already planning next years event. Loved your Tweets. See you December 1, 2012!!!

  12. This was way too clever!! No bachelor to take home for you? Or wilderness woman? It sounds like quite a unique week end!!! The tweets were inspired.

    • Donna Freedman

      @Barb: Thanks. Why don’t you join us next year? I think you’d fit right in. 😉

  13. Sounds fun, did they put your tweets on a big screen at the front of the room, like FINCON11???

    They were all funny, but being married to one who always does, this one won: #shedidn’tevenstoptopee

    • Donna Freedman

      @Dr. Dean: Nope, this piece was written afterwards so no during-the-auction tweets.
      And I think most women who have borne children would always stop to pee — amazingly, my niece has two kids and still managed to wait until she returned. The possibility of losing your wheels does that to a person.

  14. Jersey Babs

    OMG! A reason for joining Twitter if ever there was one! Tho, if I was reading them as they came in… my reaction might’ve had some folks thinking I was deranged! Thanks for that gutbusting laugh.

  15. LMAO! Clearly, you have mastered tweeting. I gotta get to Talkeetna one of these days.

  16. Happyback

    I just found this…I’m working backwards in your blog.
    I am CRYING! YES!!! CRYING from laughing sooooo hard!
    Love THESE!

    • Donna Freedman

      The Talkeetna jaunts are always fun…Wish we were closer to the Lower 48 so I could get some of these wild wimmen readers to attend along with us.


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