(Happy Throwback Thursday! Today I am having my every-five-years colonoscopy, so it seemed like a good time to re-run this piece from Dec. 5, 2018.)
Some people throw parties on their birthdays, or go out to dinner. This year I went with a butt camera.
It’s not that “colonoscopy prep” was high up on my birthday bucket list, but rather that the appointment was the first one I could get.
Lucky for me that it hadn’t been scheduled first thing on Nov. 30, when we had a nice big earthquake. According to a staffer at the doctor’s office, they’d just finished one procedure and were beginning to sedate another patient when the 7.0 temblor hit.
That poor guy had to reschedule – which meant having to re-do the colonoscopy prep. Ack.
For the uninitiated, colonoscopy prep is a full-scale cleanout of your colon: a combination of light diet, then liquids only and finally a seriously effective cleansing solution. Apparently one brand of industrial-strength laxative is available in tablet form, but the doctor I visited won’t prescribe it. He says the results aren’t always optimal.
(Eeeewww.)
This time around I was offered the option of a relatively new product called Plenvu. It’s so new, in fact, that my insurance would not have covered it. However, the doctor’s office had some samples to give and I accepted one upon hearing the regimen: two 16-ounce doses of solution over two days, each dose followed by 16 ounces of your clear liquid of choice. (Mine was iced tea.)
Previous preps had required two 32-ounce doses of solution followed by two 16-ounce glasses of clear liquid. No wonder Plenvu’s slogan is “success with less.”
And successful it was, thanks in part to my true and simple rules for colonoscopy prep.
1. Don’t wear any pants that day.
On either day, actually. You’re gonna be in the bathroom a lot, right up until it’s time to leave for the doctor’s office. That’s why my dad advised this rule to me before I had my first procedure.
If you must wear pants – and here in chilly Alaska, I really must – make sure they’re the easy-to-take-down variety. Personally, I recommend really old sweatpants with a waistband whose elasticity is a distant memory.
2. Go shopping before the colonoscopy prep.
Stock up on broth, tea, Powerade/Gatorade, ice pops, Jello and whatever other liquidy foods float your boat (so to speak). Your doctor will give you an “eat this, not that” list. Certain colors will be off-limits; for example, you can’t have red Jello or orange Powerade. (My two preferred varieties, naturally.)
DF suggested banana popsicles, which could be bought in a box all by themselves vs. a mixed box of ice pops that featured several verboten hues. I was a bit skeptical, and indeed the flavor was a bit sweet and almost cloying. But boy oh boy, did they come in handy when I was sipping the prep mixture.
The Plenvu was fruit-flavored – mango the first day, passion fruit the second – and actually wasn’t that bad. But no tropical flavoring could mask the underlying taste of salty salty salt. Three of Plenvu’s five ingredients contain the word “sodium.”
So I’d take four swallows through a straw, then put a banana popsicle in my mouth to take away the bouquet de sel. A few minutes later, more sips and more popsicle.
You’re supposed to drink it slowly; otherwise I would have chugged it just to get it over with. Those popsicles saved the day. But I may never eat another one until my next colonoscopy, five years down the road.
Speaking of food…
3. Stay off Facebook.
Every other post seems to be about food! What someone cooked. What someone ate in a restaurant. What someone wishes s/he could eat. (At that point, what I wished I could eat was…pretty much anything that wasn’t a clear liquid.)
Way too many instructional videos, too, especially as regards cake. Ultimately I had to sign out because it was tulip cake and sunflower cake and daisy cake and flag cake and it all looked so good.
By mid-morning my mind was chanting cake! cake! cake! cake! cake! just like the character in Hyperbole and a Half’s “The God of Cake.” Didn’t help a bit that it was my birthday.
4. Pre-hydrate, even if you don’t wanna.
The colonoscopy prep solution works osmotically, i.e., it draws water into the bowel. This leaves you as dry as a freshman essay, so you’ll need to keep drinking in between bathroom breaks.
Two hours before the procedure, you have to stop drinking. That doesn’t mean the laxative effect stops, however. You could be losing liquid right up until you hop onto the table, but you won’t be allowed to replace it until afterward.
So keep sipping right up until the two-hour cutoff, even if you already feel a bit sloshy. You’ll thank me later.
5. Keep reading material in the bathroom.
See “you’re gonna be in there a lot,” above. A friend had lent me the “Midnight” trilogy by Charlaine Harris. I went through (as it were) the first book, “Midnight Crossroad,” during the two-dose colonoscopy prep regimen. Just left it within reach on the bathroom rug, ready to pick up as needed.
(Hint: It was needed. A lot.)
Those Harris novels form the basis of an NBC series called “Midnight, Texas.” Both the books and the TV show are fun if you like stories featuring vampires, angels and other non-traditional protagonists.
6. Campbell’s chicken soup RULES.
We make our own soup here. Because it’s so good, most commercial potages seem insipid to me.
But any time I’ve been sick, or when I’m doing colonoscopy prep, Campbell’s chicken noodle soup tastes ambrosial. I feel sorry for vegetarians who can’t sip this salty, chickeny goodness.
I had to strain out the noodles, of course, but DF ate those quite happily. Or you could save them up to make the next can of soup the noodliest ever.
7. Have a heat source ready.
Two common side effects of colonoscopy prep are abdominal cramping and chills. Luckily I’ve never experienced those. But I always have a rice sock (aka the frugal heating pad) on hand, just in case.
This time around my hands were very cold, though, probably due to all the iced tea I was drinking. I took to heating the rice sock and wrapping it around my hands as I sipped.
Here’s hoping you don’t get cramps or chills. But if it happens, have a heating pad – frugal or Sunbeam – ready to go.
8. Don’t put off getting tested.
Of cancers that affect both sexes, colon cancer is the second deadliest. Colonoscopy is just one testing option; talk to your health care provider about what’s right for you.
The general rule is to start at age 50. Your doctor might want you to start earlier, though, depending on factors such as inflammatory bowel disease or a family history of colorectal cancer.
I started screening in my 40s because of a family history. Even if you don’t have one, please get the conversation going with your doc once you hit the big 5-0. And if you wind up needing colonoscopy prep, I really do suggest the Plenvu. Just have some popsicles ready.
Related reading:
- 2 reasons to get a colonoscopy
- Never dumpster-dive for plastic containers
- Grateful for sun and berries
Glad the quake(and any aftershocks) stayed away then! My mom got her last one which saved her life but not because of a polyp or colon cancer being found but because the doc (another NJ transplant to Ohio) thought there was too much pressure coming from other organs and realized her uterus was the size of a basketball(turned out to be uterine cancer and endometriosis)… Thank goodness for NJ! I hope that afterwards you got some tastykakes and a good night’s sleep after all of that “clean up”.
No Tastykakes on hand, but I did prevail upon DF to stop at Arby’s on the way home. Yeah, Arby’s. I had a birthday coupon! When we got home I went to bed and slept for almost three hours. When I got up I wasn’t hungry, so I took care of some paperwork and wrote this post.
Glad your mom got examined in time.
Ugh.
I know some people will find this more difficult, but I did a clear liquid fast three days before the prep. Yup, almost five days of foodlessness. However, the prep was much less god-awful. As someone with a tricky stomach, I just didn’t want to deal with the aftermath of all the rough prep. After the first one, it took a while for my digestive system to be normal again.
And that leads me to another warning. Hungry as you are after it is over, DON’T PIG OUT. Without getting too graphic, I will say you never want to get diagnosed with “X-Rayable Gas.”
Back when I had my first one, they didn’t tell you about the liquids. They just said to stop eating 24 hours ahead, and “here, take this.” Yeah. No one told me what it was going to do.
The cats thought it was great fun that we spent 24 hours running back and forth to the bathroom. They also joined me in general howling.
“X-Rayable Gas” is the name of my next rock band. With opening act “General Howling.”
Funniest thing I’ve read all day!!!!! Thanks for the laugh! I’m sure “X-Rayable Gas” will be a huge success!!
After reading what your daughter has gone through, I remembered that this “incident” was about a month after becoming single again and living alone in a strange city.
I just kept thinking, “thankgodIlivealone,thankgodIlivealone…..”
Talk about a throwback. We must be on the same schedule as mine is next week. I had completely forgotten I replied! Reminds me to make some broth and hunker down…
It will all come out fine in the end. 😉
Even if it’s an errr… bumpy ride.
I just went through this last week with my husband, who had his second one in five years because of a small pollup that was found after his first one.
I’ve only had one. Ironically the prep was the day my father died and we had to take my mom to the emergency room because of her trauma. I have bittersweet memories of that day, racing to the restroom, trying to write an obituary, my siblings and I consoling each other. The upside is that I know exactly when I need to schedule my next one.
What an awful day that must have been. I’m sorry.
I just had mine a week ago…my first although a couple years late. Don’t judge. You have to have a driver and I’m a bit thin on personnel right now. lol
Coke was my drink of choice. I honestly wasn’t hungry just generally blah feeling. But I had the last appointment of the day so I was started with no food Sunday and didn’t have the procedure until after 4 p.m on Monday. But it was convenient for the driver.
In my case, I went in because I was having a few issues. One polyp removed and one large thing I’ve named Stewart. Neither is malignant. The polyp is gone. Stewart is being MRI’d next week to check just how big he is. FOrtunately, the doc who would remove Stewart was on site and actually stepped in during the colonoscopy for a look. From what they’ve said so far is that whatever Stewart is isn’t cancerous and isn’t something that would become cancer. It really didn’t sound like they felt it needed to be removed.
So yes, it IS important to get screened. I did talk quite a bit with my docs about the fact that not everyone has a driver handy. My facility would not allow anyone to use a cab either. They were going to maybe get some information available so that drivers would be possible…I’m in a rural area. And no, you do not need the sedative. I went with it but was coming out when the second doc showed up for a look and was definitely conscious the second time the tube went in and watched the exam on the screen.
So get screened but also maybe lend a hand to someone who isn’t as lucky to have medical support.
Wish that I could have had Diet Coke, but the instructions specified “clear soda.” I thought that was odd, given that they let you have coffee and tea; perhaps it’s the caramel coloring in the soda.
Agree that having a driver can be a big issue, particularly in rural areas. Yet I understand why the providers are nervous about letting people take cabs home: They’re in a vulnerable state thanks to the Versed and/or Fentanyl (I got both this time around). Friends should definitely be willing to step up for other friends: “I’ll drive you if you’ll drive me,” or “I don’t need a ride because my partner/kid will take me, but I’d be happy to give you a ride whenever you need one.”
I finally asked my general practioner…..”Do you really want me to be out of it and in a uber with a stranger?” Then it clicked with her.
I had three last year. I go again Thursday. I’m just glad we don’t have to drink gallons anymore! My dad died at 49, putting off his exam until the insurance kicked in. His father died at 48. Y’all don’t put off talking with your doctors. This is an aggressive cancer. My family is riddled with it. I am always happy to hear of good outcomes.
Only Gilda Radner could make us laugh through a colonoscopy in her book, though. I miss that woman,
Love your column.
Stay healthy!
Glad everything went ok. I am lucky that I only need it done once every 10 years, whereas my hubby must do it every 3-5, as he always seems to have polyps removed.
As someone who has had several of these procedures I would like to offer 2 more suggestions: 1. Buy a package of disposable absorbent underwear ~ it may “save” you if you don’t run fast enough. 2. Go to your favorite drugstore or W and purchase a tube of diaper rash cream. After “going” many times and wiping, wiping, wiping your fanny may be sore.
Personally, I recommend a diaper ointment called Boudreaux’s Butt Paste. Because I like the name.
https://amzn.to/2La5w0p
Taking the advice of a dear friend who has had plenty of colonoscopies. I followed my doctor’s directions to the letter but started changing my diet ten days prior (each day my intake became softer, plainer, etc). I declared the official day of prep National Pajama Day, fully charged all my devices and at the appointed time, I headed off to the restroom and stayed until prep was finished (a few hours versus my husband’s all day event). Obviously nobody in their right mind would enjoy the process but I honestly didn’t see what the fuss was all about. I think my pre- pre prep made the difference.
Both my parents have had colonoscopies. My mom got tested very young and had a polyp, so she had them quite regularly for a while. I was always in charge of liquid fetching and making jello and broth. In other news, I love the Midnight books by Charlaine Harris! I read them all when they came out and I’m watching the show now.
My friend Linda B has been saving the show via DVR and we watch it together. It’s interesting to see the differences between the characters in the books and the characters in the show, such as Manfred not having any piercings and Lemuel not being a milk-white man. Or his dead grandmother showing up as a mystic guide and regular irritant.
There are a lot of differences between the show and books, which has it’s upsides because you’re not watching a show directly from the books, more of a retelling. I agree with being surprised with Lemuel, though I really like his character. I also agree on Manfred, and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to be as handsome as Francois Arnaud, but for the show I’m willing to go with it.
I had a dear nurse recommend lemon wedges to bite after swigs a la tequila shots. The lemon truck has saved me many a prep. Also clear gummy bears qualify as clear liquids, but provide the chewing sensation that can be missed
Thanks for that info! I’ll keep it in mind.
I remember an article about how models starved themselves for fashion shoots. One of them would eat nothing all day long except a couple of gummy bears that she let dissolve slowly all day. Sheesh.
Yikes! That is taking things a bit far. I definitely don’t want to starve for a medical procedure.
Was going to chime in on the gummy bears- gummy anything, really – but I see they’ve already made an appearance. They’re okay, but you must avoid all the dark colors and all the red ones of any shade. Buy the pastel shades or sort them in advance.
You can use flushable wipes for comfier clean-up, just don’t flush them as they are terrible on your pipes, your municipal water system and/or septic tank. This is not the time to have plumbing woes. Put them in a plastic bag and dispose of safely. Keeping a plunger handy is not a bad idea either, just in case.
I did the pill the first time and the liquid the second time. The liquid had a packet of lemon flavoring and it wasn’t nearly as viscous as I expected. Alas, I had polyps both times, so I’m on the five year plan now. Oh, joy.
DH’s first wife died of colon cancer, so don’t procrastinate on this stuff, people! She did and it cost her her life. Much as I love him, I would not wish what they went through on anyone.
My doctor had me go for a colonoscopy when I was 23 and I had to mix a solution into Gatorade. Over a decade later, I can’t handle purple Gatorade. Plus it turned out to be gallstones, so thanks for that doc.
Really grateful for your article. I am also taking Plenvu
this Friday. I tend to throw up so my doctor gave me some Zofran to help. I’m so glad you mentioned banana Popsicles because I hadn’t thought of that
and will be heading to grocery. No where can I find any information as far as mixing the stuff with iced tea rather than water.
To begin ,I am 70 years old,never had my stomach or intestines examed.so now I´m gonna do it .First I´ve already took my Plenvu,but I missed my appointment.Can I safley take another box of Plenvu?
Better talk to your doctor about that. I’m assuming the office will prescribe another box. Good luck!
Thanks for all the information. Very helpful. I am 77 n have had ulcerative colitis since I was 30. Every 2 years i have a colonoscopy done. The prep is the worst part. My husband never had one done until he was 70 n that was to late . They found a cancerous tumor n had to remove it n give him a stoma. He passed away last year.
What a terrible loss for you. I’m sorry.