Some years back my blogging buddy J. Money ran “10 reasons Black Friday is like sex” on his Budgets Are Sexy blog. I was immediately inspired to comment with some reasons of my own, whereupon he dared me to run them on my own site.

So I did, with an article called “Black Friday and sex” about why the two aren’t alike. Such as:

You won’t be offered coffee and doughnuts.

Finishing early is NOT a plus.

The women generally end up more satisfied than the men.

Revisiting that literary tradition this year – but as reasons that the two are alike. The following material is not suitable for work, and possibly not for anyone afflicted with taste and refinement.

 

Black Friday and sex: The similarities

 

Here are my seven reasons that the day after Thanksgiving is similar to intercourse:

1. Everybody’s talking about it, but how many are doing it?

2. So many options online! (But if you’re not careful, you might get a virus.)

3. Satisfaction isn’t guaranteed.

4. If you’re new at this, you’ll probably pay too much.

5. Those who brag about their prowess might be lying.

6. Sometimes you spend a lot but no one winds up thrilled.

7. The anticipation can be more fun than the actual event.

(You’re welcome. Or I’m sorry. Whichever one applies.)

 

My own (limited) Black Friday adventures

 

While I’d planned to take advantage of that Kohl’s deal for 52-cent appliances, it was not to be. After several attempts to do so online but being told “no,” I called the Kohl’s 800 number. A pleasant young man named Dion (I think) tried to put through the deal and he got told “no,” too.

Whereupon he made it his mission to get the deal through. For about half an hour he tried. Bless his heart, he even got a supervisor involved. (I could hear her in the background saying, “Try this…Nope, that didn’t work, either.”)

Ultimately I was told that they were really sorry but couldn’t get the deal either through delivery or in-store pickup, possibly because I live in Alaska. However, I could go there in person and ask for 15 percent off at the cash register because the SAVEBIG15 code would have given me that discount.

Thought about it. Really, I did. But the Kohl’s store is 12 miles away. That may not sound like much, but it would have meant driving across town on icy roads on a dark morning (sunrise at 9:29 a.m.) when some very, uh, determined shoppers would also be racing to the deals.

Nah.

As for getting up for the 5 o’clock opening at Fred Meyer, I actually woke up on my own at 4:30 a.m. Stood up, felt perfectly dreadful and did my impression of Lana from the animated series “Archer”:

 

 

I had trouble pulling myself awake at 7:20 a.m., when DF came in and woke me gently (as I’d asked him to do the night before). I actually rose at 8 a.m., groggier than a newborn pup, and didn’t actually leave until well after 9 a.m. (While it’s tempting to blame a food hangover, I’d actually behaved rather modestly the day before: servings of turkey, potatoes, stuffing, carrots and beans that were reasonable to the point of scantiness, plus one smallish slice of pumpkin pie.)

Thus I went to exactly one store – Fred Meyer – and bought only a couple of things I wanted:

• New slippers from Isotoner ($12, soooo comfy)
• A plush microfleece blanket for our bed ($9.99, a price so good that my niece had me get one for her as well)

Well, those two things plus:

• Two gift items for my great-nephews, which I won’t enumerate on the off-chance that one of them is reading this (pretty much nil, but who am I to ruin Christmas?)
• Three pounds of bacon (mostly for DF, who has a passion* for the stuff)
• A bag of store-brand potato chips (strictly for personal consumption, because they are cheese-flavored and DF harbors an irrational hatred for cultured milk products)

 

Nearly overdid it

 

However, I almost bought more. Lots more. Black Friday prices can be so low that people temporarily lose their minds. I know this, yet I am not immune.

Almost picked up a couple a couple of fleece throws for DF’s granddaughters because they were soft and cute (the throws, not the girls) and because they were only $2.99 (again, not the girls). I considered buying a package of washcloths because they were so cheap – except that we don’t need washcloths. And so on.

Each time I came to my senses, obviously. I wonder how many other people didn’t?

The moral of the story: On Black Friday, if you can’t keep your wits about you then at least keep your receipts.

*His latest bacon experiment has to be seen to be believed: a slice of homemade apple pie draped with bacon and cooked at 350 degrees until the meat is crisp-ish, then topped with vanilla ice cream and raspberries. I am not making that up. I couldn’t make that up.