Seasonal affective disorder has hit hard this year. Despite the aptly named S.A.D. light I’ve been eyebrow-deep in doldrums.
Having battled depression and anxiety in the past I can say the past weeks feel both familiar and different.
The glumness is just as I recall it: a cement straitjacket that impedes my ability to move, let alone achieve much. What’s new, and worrisome, is that I’m having a devil of a time talking myself down from it.
In years past I got through the season – heck, through my life – thanks to the sheer number of Things That Must Be Done. Should those things not have gotten done I would have been letting someone down: my child, my then-husband, my employer, my friends.
Or I’d do what I privately think of as a Full Pollyanna and create my own personal glad game. Just look at what I’ve got going for me: a daughter I love, health (mostly), family, friends, a job I love (mostly), a roof over my head, plenty to eat, etc. etc.
Generally that worked, either because it made me realize how lucky I was or because it embarrassed me off the self-pity path. Hasn’t worked lately, even though I can add astounding midlife love to the plus side of the ledger.
In fact, it’s made me feel worse. To be clear: I’m fully aware of how blessed I am. It’s just that sometimes none of those blessings can get through the fog. As Sinclair Lewis put it, “It has not yet been recorded that any human being has gained a very large or permanent contentment from meditation upon the fact that he is better off than others.”
Recently I cleared the decks, freelance-wise, to work on a personal project yet I’ve barely scratched the surface of what needs doing. At first I justified my inaction as taking a little “me” time, helping someone out (e.g., babysitting, providing a ride to an outpatient surgical procedure) and enjoying holiday preparations.
Now I’ve run out of excuses and it’s just me spinning my wheels and panicking over what I haven’t done. Each day that goes by without progress means more fear and less work. Less money, too. Shame spiral, anyone?
Mental health ‘vaguebooking’
Help exists. But as I write this I realize that I haven’t asked for it. Specifically: I haven’t told DF or anyone else just how low I’m feeling, other than dropping diffident hints about “the darkness” and “I can’t wait until the light turns around.” This is an old, old pattern: I need help but don’t believe that I deserve it; if I were worth shooting, I’d have helped myself by now. Therefore I can’t be honest about how crummy I feel.
Or another golden oldie: I need help but I shouldn’t need help and I’m ashamed of being needy – that is to say, of being human. My job is to take care of other people’s needs. If I evince any of my own, then I might lose everything.
If this were social media I’d be “vaguebooking.” In real life, it’s me sorta-kinda hoping someone will notice I’m in distress – but then pretending that everything is just fine, why do you ask?
Which isn’t passive-aggressive so much as it is perplexing-distressing: If DF were to say “I’m feeling low” but then pretend he didn’t need help I’d certainly be upset. What can I do for you? I love you and I don’t want you to be unhappy.
Will I get through this without an SSRI and/or counseling? Probably, but I’m not ruling out either option. The first step was admitting that I’m not doing very well. Next up is a sauna with DF tonight. Our homemade hotbox is a great place to relax but it’s also a good honesty opp, i.e., a literal laying-bare of oneself.
Needs happen
I hesitated over whether to publish this post, in part because it’s so personal and in part because of the fear it would be misconstrued. This wasn’t written to obtain virtual headpats or oh-you-poor-thing comments, but rather to remind people that it’s okay to be human. It’s okay to have needs, and fears, and sadness.
What isn’t okay is to keep tamping it all down. Confide in someone, whether that’s a relative, friend or healthcare professional. And yes, that’s scary as hell. Well do I remember the feeling of, “But if I ask something of another person than I risk losing love and acceptance.”
Here’s the thing: The people who love you want to help, even if that means making sure you find a portion of that assistance somewhere else.
The people who don’t truly love you will grouse and grumble and maybe even try to bully you into wholeness. That is to say, they want a perfect/compliant version of you because anything else would inconvenience them.
Again: I am utterly, utterly aware how blessed I am. Fact is, I inherited a depressive gene and sometimes it gains a temporarily stronger foothold. These periods of pain haven’t stopped me yet but they do cast a pall over my life. This particular shadow feels darker than others.
Today it stops – or, rather, today I take action against it. We’re having a few people over for caroling and food on Christmas Eve, and I want to sing about joy and peace in a way that indicates a belief in their return to my life.
I take vitamin D this time of year. It makes me feel better. I also take B vitamins. It is important to let people around you know and seek help.
I love your writing. There are a lot of people who appreciate what you do.
I’ve been on a Vitamin D regimen for years, ever since being diagnosed with a deficiency. Shudder to think what I’d feel like if I weren’t taking it…
Thanks for your kind words. It’s always nice to be appreciated!
You are welcome. I am saying a prayer for you.
Check out my old blog tammyandtiny.typepad.com . I wrote an entry…I found help for my worrying. It might be helpful.
I was going to recommend D vitamins and a B complex too. It has made a world of difference for me. I’ve also gone through two periods of clinical depression in my life. I took prescription medication both times and it saved my life. Don’t be too proud to take that step if you can’t turn it around on your own. You deserve to be healthy and happy.
The great minds that read this blog must think alike, because I was also going to recommend Vitamin D and Vitamin B/B complex vitamins. But as a nurse, I’d recommend that you pay a little more for your vitamins and go to a pharmacy somewhere that sells medicinal grade vitamins. Vitamin B, for example, comes in a form called cyanocobalamin and methylcobalamin. Methylcobalamin is the best, but costs more. A good pharmacist that understands vitamins and minerals can help. My own personal recommendations would also include a good multivitamin and mineral supplement (again, medicinal grade), a full spectrum light that you sit in front of every day, and maybe eating more beef because of the iron, B vitamins and tryptophan, all of which help with depression and SAD. And have you had any bloodwork done in the last few years? You should check your thyroid levels because low thyroid levels have a HUGE impact on depression. Hope you get to feeling better soon. Please let all of us know how you are doing. We care about you!
Oh, Donna! I so feel you!
“Spinning my wheels and panicking over what I haven’t gotten done.” Exactly! I took on some extra stuff in November and more stuff happened in December, and suddenly my brain is fogged, and I have no idea how to clear it and buckle down to what I need to get done.
In the past, I’ve been the strong one, the clever one, who figured out how we were going to move forward and led the charge. Now I’m not sure I have it in me. But someone’s gotta…
Not sure what I’m trying to say here, except that you’re not alone and you’ll be okay. I’m glad you’ve got a plan and friends around to support you. And there’s a new year coming and brighter days ahead.
Hang in there!
Sorry things are difficult for you now; in addition to Vitamin E, you may want to give turmeric a try. Turmeric is wonderful for a variety of health issues; it is especially good for depression. My Dear Friend has had issues with depression his entire life; he’s been feeling a lot better since I convinced him to give turmeric a try. We use it in capsule form; Amazon has some good prices. I’ve been taking it daily as well for overall health. I take two 720 mg capsules every morning; I give him four in the morning and four more in the evening.
Hope you are feeling better soon.
Sorry, I meant Vitamin D (first sentence)!
I have been going through a rough time and for the first time in 54 years (and 24 years at my present job) I am finally seeking help. Yes I also have a great life, but sometimes you just need help. And the first step is the hardest. But since I’ve made that first step, I feel better. Still have work to do, but I no longer feel like I’m at the bottom of a pit with no way out.
Good luck. I know you will get thru this.
I am sorry you are feeling blue…. It is the worst…. I have suffered from depression and anxiety off and on over the years… Surround yourself with caring folks and please don’t be afraid to try medication… Sometimes it can make a huge difference! Sending you much love!
I am glad you reached out and boy do I know how you feel. I allowed my depression to get so bad I tried to drink myself slowly to death. Ruined a lot of good stuff in my life and was left looking around and having to decide suicide or chucking it all an asking for help. As this post make evident I chose to get help. I take an SNRI. It saved me. Medication doesn’t need to be forever. A low dose over the winter months may be just what you need. Remember you must love and care for yourself first or you can never give all you are capable of to others. Be well. I will be thinking of you.
Thanks, fellow Jersey Girl.
Light box? I would literally go nuts with the dark all day thing in Alaska this time of year. I suspect much of the issue may be physical. Good luck making it though to the light side of the year.
I do use a light box, in addition to the Vitamin D therapy. Would rather not know how I’d feel without those two things. And I’m not ruling out therapy and/or SSRIs. I’ve used both in the past.
I know I’ll get through it. Just finally admitting I need some help.
Thanks for being such a consistent reader and commenter.
I chide myself for laziness when I find myself unmotivated and lackluster. It may be a message that we are just supposed to be hibernating in the winter.
Thinking of you and wishing you good thoughts. Through your writing, you have made a difference in the lives of many readers. Nurture and take time for yourself….it’s your turn to be good to you.
And if all else fails, curl up and watch “it’s a wonderful life.” Sappy and old fashioned? Yes, but watching that movie pulled me out if the darkest days of my life once upon a time.
What a bummer. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and appreciate your willingness to write about it. You know what stood out to me? That you acknowledge a couple of times how blessed you are, as if depression were a form of ingratitude. I can almost hear the scolding inner voice “How can you be depressed? You have a wonderful life!” (Quite possibly I’m projecting, because I have an inner voice like that).
Depression and anxiety aren’t rational, and are usually unrelated to our external lives– otherwise they might be called “grief” and “fear,” and probably garner a lot more compassion from people who don’t understand these sorts of maladies.
I am confident (as you seem to be) that this too shall pass, and suspect you’ll probably help a lot of people in your process, simply by revealing it. You’ve already helped me! Thank you!
I love this point. It’s like a book I read on depression where a friend asks her to come take a walk. When she says she can’t because of the depression, the friend asks how she can be depressed on a gorgeous, sunny day. She replies, “That’s like asking me how I can have the flu on such a sunny day. This is a disease like any other.”
Depression isn’t about gratitude or even knowledge of how it could be worse. It’s about your brain chemistry not letting you feel the full extent of what you have and what you’re capable of. The same way you know that you “should” (ugh) be able to work on that project, you know that you should be able to feel the wonderful stuff in your life. But you can’t because you’re sick. And if you can’t keep that in mind, I think we should just start calling it the brain flu.
I’m pretty sure now I’m going to have to write a post about that just so I can use the title Brain Flu.
Thanks, belatedly, for your thoughtful comment. I know that this too shall pass — but so does a kidney stone and that process isn’t fun, either.
As so many have suggested, I’m going to continue to do nurturing things and also ask myself some hard questions. What do I want to have happen? Where do I want to go in 2016?
Move forward I shall, even if it’s sideways for a while.
Thanks to all who’ve chimed in. Can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.
Sometimes we need to get off that merry-go-round and just stop. This time of year is especially hard because we want to make everything “just so” for everyone. But what about how we really feel? Donna, you are so brave and so strong for writing how it is right now, right this minute. Saying it, writing it, gives it a name and makes it real. Then you can go to the next step. I appreciate your way of sharing what many of us are feeling.
Naming it, as you say, has made me feel a little lighter already. You never know how heavy something was until you’ve set it down.
I appreciate the honesty it took to write and post this. It’s very brave – I for one rarely want to admit I need help. But we all do sometimes and I hope things will improve for you. I’m also a New Jersey resident (native New Yorker).I have followed your writing since your MSN days and always get alot out of what you have to say.
Take care,
Nancy
Thanks, Nancy. I appreciate it.
I am so sorry, Donna, but glad you know the resources to use if you need them. Vitamin B levels can also wreak havoc when they are low. Apart from vitamin B are you familiar with a supplement called Sam-E which treats depression among other things? I take it every day and wondered if it really made a difference until I stopped taking it for a few days and realized how awful it felt without it.
Wow – thanks for the reminder about Sam-E. I, too, take it on a seasonal basis, and it makes everything somehow lighter for me. It’s also supposed to be helpful for your joints, and my 66-year old knees can use all the help they can get these days.
I wish you well on your journey.
Thank you for sharing your journey – wishing you peace and happiness in the New Year – the light will come….
I hope that the suggestions I’ve read here, or some combination of them, will work for you. I first read your post last night but didn’t know what to say. First of all, I am in awe of your post. That you would trust us with something so very personal touches the heart. To reach out is also a very wise thing to do. I hope that you feel the caring of people who’ve come to know you over the years. Finally, a few suggestions of my own. These have helped me. The first may be the most important. When you feel this way, be very gentle with yourself. Talk to yourself kindly, soothingly, and do small things that will make you feel good. Cup of tea? Good book? Planning next summer’s garden? A small task? (I do mean small. That’s part of the gentle part). Be your own friend. Second, remember the wonderful person that you are. See yourself as we see you. You have inspired so many people. Third, realize and accept that you are human, wonderfully human, and therefore not perfect. Don’t beat yourself up. High standards are possible and desirable, but perfection isn’t. Maybe you’ve been pushing yourself harder than you’ve realized. Finally, maybe some light exercise, and I do mean light. Not the grit-your-teeth-because-it’s-good-for-you kind. Something that you enjoy. Blessings to you!
Spanish class, West High, Anchorage, circa winter 1984…dark outside at 1:30ish…. I looked out the window and it dawned on me for the first time in my 15 years, “This is amazing and awful.”
I have since transplanted to CO, but still get that sinking sad feeling when the sun goes down at 4:30. Insert frowny face here.
At 40 something, after both my parents and my first husband died, my hair was falling out in clumps and I was a train wreck emotionally. I allowed myself to seek not just counseling, but meds too. It went against my religious upbringing to do so, since I was supposed to find all I needed in God, period. However, I now believe God helped someone create antidepressants, and am totally OK with it. Yippee!
Meds saved my 2nd marriage, no doubt. Holidays are still lonely, even though I have my husband, sweet 15 yr old daughter, and my grown kids nearby. I am still on meds, hoping to not be at some point.
My heart hurts for you and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for opening up – so glad you will seek local support. Your readers/friends care very much.
Thank you for sharing, Donna. It looks like you are in good company. I haven’t had the best results with mental health professionals, but that’s not to say you wouldn’t have better luck. I have had several bouts of anxiety and depression and remember how bleak the world seemed during those times.
I found anti-anxiety medicine saved me at the lowest point (the period after 9/11/2011 was the worst for me because of my NYC ties)but your Dr. may have other recommendations to aid your recovery.
Here’s to a speedy recovery for your low-ness. Thank you for trusting us enough to reach out to us. We only want the best for you.
Your beautifully written musings always brighten my day.
Donna, as have so many of your posts,this one moved me to tears. After having read your blogs for so long, I feel like you are a dear friend who needs comforting right now. Having had these same thoughts and feelings through the years, I get it. I have had success with counseling. Even though I know you have people who love you dearly, that feeling that you will be judged for sharing what seems trivial, silly or selfish always looms and can hold you back. Someone who loves you dearly doesn’t always give the best advice because they are almost frantic in wanting you to feel better. A professional, someone who is non-judgmental and trained to explore your feelings carefully, is there to walk you through this time and put things in perspective. I can also recommend exercise and meditation. Whatever you choose, vitamins, talk therapy, exercise, meditation or gutting it out, I hope you feel better soon. Right now I am sharing a virtual hug. Take care of yourself. By sharing this you have made a great step in the right direction.
Are you in my brain? I think you must be, as reading this post struck me a lot like reading my own thoughts. Thank you for sharing. It helps me to not feel so alone, because so often it feels like no one knows what I’m going through and what’s more, no one cares.
I care.
It is very brave to bare your soul and inner thoughts. Depression is the common cold of the soul.
At the emotionally lowest time in my life, I was helped by potatoes. They contain many wonderful minerals. The one that I need when I am feeling depressed is magnesium. After the potato picked up my mood, I researched what was in the potato and I found that magnesium was darn near missing from my diet. Now I take it every day. Magnesium may assist your bio chemical imbalance.
My newest food based drug of choice is chili with dark chocolate. I have begun to add cayenne into my diet. It helps to improve my mood and I never expected cayenne could do that.
The holidays are so stressful and that stress depletes your body. Speak gently and kindly to yourself and take care.
Sending warm thoughts your way! Your writing has been a joy and inspiration. Also looking forward to the world turning toward the sun again …
I think this is what retired people find most isolating, and its a vicious circle. When you disappear from social circles because you just don’t feel up to participating in life, they stop looking for you and it’s even more of an effort to get back to them. Not having the usual distractions and demands of working and family life leaves a dark void. I bet more people go south for the winter to avoid their dark selves than those who go seeking better weather. I try to find new distractions, like projects I’ve put off for lack of time when it’s warmer and which are big or involved enough to require me to seek help. Those gumption blocks move more easily with a team effort, even if your team members are strangers to you. Avoid projects you can do alone because you won’t!
No head pats from me I promise. I just wanted to say thank you for your honesty about your current situation. Maybe your article will help someone else at this time.
One thing that really helps me during the long winters, is to buy plants. Greenery!! I buy as many houseplants as I can afford, even if it’s just an inexpensive violet.
I used to work at a home improvement store, and I felt a lot better during the long winters (New York) when the houseplant section was moved next to the area I was working.
The greenery really helped especially since we had snow on the ground for months at a time.
I hope you feel better, Donna.
I think one thing you have going for you is that you’ve realized your situation. Many times people know in their head what’s going on but refuse to acknowledge it, even to themselves. By doing this, I think you’ve taken a huge step forward, and I promise, the next one won’t be as difficult.
Take care of yourself.
Last year, around this time, I was very pregnant with our first child. After the baby came, I’m not sure if it was the northern winter darkness or postpartum or difficulties adjusting to being a new mom (maybe all of the above), but I was so deeply overwhelmed. A song played during funny “video game fail” videos my husband watched around that time still brings back the dark feelings that things will never be okay again.
In all actuality, things got much better. The baby figured out how to eat. We figured out how to get sleep (much of the time). My life contains lots of joy. I just need to remember these things.
Postpartum is one mean monkey, all right. I’m glad you are working through it.
My daughter was just talking about this very thing this morning. She didn’t know if she was going through the change at 42, or whether it is all the cloudiness and darkness here lately. She also has RA, and takes Wellbutin. She is feeling the very same. I know the weather is a lot worse in Alaska, then PA for that sort of thing. She takes both D and B’s. Doesn’t have a sad light, though. I know you have a lot going on with work, your new course, etc. I can’t really tell you what to do, except try to take it more easy and do things you enjoy. Ask for help, if you need. If I was closer I would gladly help. Hope that it helps a little that people are thinking of you, and writing about it sometimes helps a little too. Hope you two have a good Christmas!
As you can see from all the comments, Donna, you’re not alone. I struggle with similar symptoms, although since I live in S. Texas, I can’t blame it on lack of sunlight. I have had a lot of brain-fogginess, cloudiness, lack of motivation, etc. in the last year or two myself. I don’t know if it’s menopause-related or psychological, or perhaps both. At any rate, I take Vitamin B supplements which helps, and will be working with a career coach after the holidays are past. Those things, plus writing (not necessarily about this subject) and actively maintaining friendships are what keep me away from the Dark Side – as well as reading about your adventures! 😀
Seriously, though, I wish you well as you work through this journey and wish you and your family a safe and happy 2016.
I am so disappointed in you, Donna! You aren’t SuperWoman after all. ;o)
I have SAD and anxiety too, but it’s definitely milder than yours. Having a job and school to go to seems to help me quite a bit. Even though I can get really stressed out by school, at least I’m learning something. That’s what I keep telling myself, anyway.
Please keep reminding yourself of all you’ve been through and what you’ve accomplished. Get professional help if you need it. This has been my mantra lately, “I can and I will.”
Keep us updated, okay?
Donna: Your blogs are so powerful. Thank you for your bravery and honesty. I learn something from you every time I read you. Today I learned more than usual from your thoughtful blog and everyone’s comments.
I echo much of what is said here: endorsing the vitamin and light regimens; checking in with mental health professionals; getting the thyroid checked; and so on.
I am also recently overwhelmed and sad and made the difficult decision to visit a mental health professional for the first time in my 55 years. Just these first few visits have made a world of difference.
I hope you find the help you need and be encouraged by them and your readers here, just as you have encouraged and inspired all of us.
Best wishes for a joy-filled holiday season.
My daughter said 2 things saved her sanity during the years she lived in Juneau. First, she hung those dangly Christmas lights around from the ceiling in every room. Second, She came South into our sunny side of Oregon for a week in mid-December. You have our family’s best wishes. (Now that she lives in Oregon again, she welcomes old Alaskan friends for a few days at a time all through Winter.)
I suffer from both depression and SAD. I’m in the Midwest and it occurs every year. At the present time, I am in the grips of both and feel about like you. I have the light and do receive professional care.
Christmas is very difficult for me, for a lot of reasons. I can hardly wait for it to be over.
I too have suffered from anxiety and depression in the past and I still find the long winters difficult. I watch for signs of depression. Although I have had to take depression medication in the past as well as counselling, I have not had to do either for many years now. What I have found that has helped me in the past and also present is the routine of a job, taking good care of myself including getting plenty of rest, regular exercise and meeting with friends even when I don’t feel like it. I talk to friends when I am feeling low and I have a support group. I try to set myself goals, i.e. studying, money, gardening project etc. I have regular blood tests for thyroid and iron. A week in the sun( i.e. Canary Islands, off coast of Africa) in winter when I can afford it also helps.
The saddest thing for me, as you mentioned, is that I have passed the depression gene onto my son who has had in the past few years had some very severe episodes including an attempted suicide.
Thank you for your honesty and courage. My God bless you and I hope you get some relief soon.
Donna, I too will say thank you, for your trust and honesty. I too have been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. My daughter insisted I see a new doctor since my EAP (Employee Assistance Programme) didn’t seem to be helping much. He prescribed meds. Its been a few months but the fog is slowly lifting. I went on for much too long without seeking serious help.There is still work to be done, ugh. Still, I like the idea of a brain flu, it clarifies the stigma associated with mental/emotional problems. Have fun trying everything in the comments. You have helped me through a difficult divorce, its aftermath, and trying to be frugal while trying to save my own life, and the lives of my children. You have been a blessing to me personally,(not that that obligates you in any way), I just wanted you to know how much you have helped me, and to send you all my best wishes and sunlight!
Thank you for expressing so much honesty in this post. I too suffer this time of the year, & I partially blame the lack of daylight for my lack of energy. Also, I too tend to take care of everyone else, often at my own expense (although I rarely will admit this!). It being the end of the year can make it worse, as I personally tend to focus on the things I didn’t get done during the year, instead of the other million things I actually DID get done. 😉 We’re all in this together, but this was a great reminder that it’s not just ME. You keep writing, & we’ll keep reading, and acknowledging your truth is often ours, too. 🙂
No pats on the head here, but thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I’m blessed to not have the same tendency towards depression, but I’ve lived with people who have struggled with it. I do completely relate to the hesitancy to ask for help, though. That’s my downfall, too, but a recent health crisis is making me blast through that personal deficiency head on.
So many people are suggesting vitamin D and B vitamins, but I feel it important to add here for everyone that it’s advisable to get blood tests regularly to see what your levels are before you start popping supplements. It’s not likely the supplements will harm you, but you could be wasting your money, at a minimum.
For whatever reason, my own body has problems absorbing B-12 from food or oral supplements. I even tried the types of B-12 supplements that you spray into your mouth or absorb under your tongue and they didn’t work for me, either. It’s actually pretty common for people to develop this issue as they get older, and if you do the only way to ensure you have adequate B-12 is to get regular injections. (There’s also an autoimmune disease that can cause this same issue, so it’s good to rule that out, too, with the appropriate tests.) If you can’t absorb the vitamin by taking it orally, you’re really just wasting your money and delaying your return to health.
Anyway, that’s the end of my health care advice. 😉
Just admitting that you’re at this point is a big step in the right direction.
Mid-life for women is almost like post-partum in slow motion. It brings an enormous hormonal upheaval over a few years that affects all kinds of things. Like several others, I suggest visiting the doctor and getting your blood levels checked out for vitamins, thyroid, etc.
The unusually gloomy winter we’re having here in the deep South, along with an inherited tendency toward depression and anxiety is making this a tough winter for me too. I’ve felt lately that my prescription med could use a booster, so I’m going to take my own advice.
Many *hugs* to you for being awesome and writing the best, most sensible blog around.
Already on thyroid and Vitamin D, and my most recent annual showed everything else is perking along. I expect postmenopausal hormone levels may play a role here, but it’s more of a supporting character.
Love the phrase “postpartum in slow motion.”
Thanks to you, and to all other commenters, for the support and kind thoughts. I really appreciate this community.
I hope you start feeling better soon. I started the TLC (therapeutic lifestyle change)plan developed by Stephen S. Ilardi about a year ago & this winter has gone much better for me. Hang in there, I am rooting for you
Me too.
Donna, I could have written this post — only not as well. I hit the wall in November (working 3 jobs will do that), had a very painful conversation with my boss yesterday about my inability to get a certain task accomplished, and have spent most of the past 6 weeks feeling like crap. I completely hear what you are saying, and I’m totally with you in spirit. HUGs and prayers sent your way!!
Wow! There’s a story.
The holidays are always depressing, IMHO…but that’s a cultural thing. In the physical department, I can imagine winters could be a little glum if you live where the sun stays down for some unreasonably long time.
Have you had a regular, overall physical checkup within the past year or two? If not, it might be worthwhile to do that
My best friend from hs killed herself because she, like I do, had SAD. I suppose our moods matched in hs, so we got along. She had just come back from Alaska following a year-long nursing stint when she killed herself.
She had therapy for years but tried to pretend there was nothing wrong. You would think her husband would notice three years of Christmas gifts from others stacked in a corner and would have done something. But, that is the past.
People are horrified I kept 13 lightbulbs on in the den. Now, two of the lamps have burned out, and I lost another light source. Obviously, I am not as afflicted as others because eating more fresh fruits and vegetables instead of a quick pasta meal or a bowl of oatmeal snaps me out of the doldrums. Plus, I can actually push through even with 40 lbs of weight on each shoulder.
No once notices because I just keep smiling and denying. Besides, I don’t need to hear how lucky I am compared to others.
Donna, I suggest you sign up to do something out of the house at least one day a week. This will force you to make yourself presentable to the world, get dressed and interact with people as an “appointment” that you cannot not go to. Volunteer at the library or take an art class, learn to crochet or knit and then participate in “knit and bitch” groups who usually meet at a coffee shops or similar places. Local church groups also sometimes have “ladies” groups that get together to work on quilts or organize other volunteer projects, etc.
Donna ~ Hoping that peace finds you! Life is a journey and it isn’t always easy 🙂
Ohhhhh, yes. I have found this to be true.
Thanks for your kind thoughts. To everyone else, too.
Hi Donna,
IMHO you should stop waiting and make an appointment to get the medications which have worked for you in the past. In my past I have literally wasted years of my life using the same technics you describe and pushing through my depressive episodes. In my early 50’s I finally ‘broke down’ and acquiesced to using medication and now I realize just how much time I wasted feeling bad. For myself I use the lowest dose which works to get me to a baseline ‘OK’. But the daily difference is incredible and I now wonder what took me so long!
Hope you find some relief soon.
Thanks for your concern. Since it’s been 11 years since I felt this way, I’m more inclined to wait a bit longer before choosing medication. I’ve got at least two trips out of state planned for the next couple of months, and the change in routine — and sunlight — could very well make a big difference.
Thinking of you, Donna, and commiserating with the difficulties of making our way through any one of these weighty depressive bouts. I don’t ever know what the right thing to say is, I don’t know what I’d want to hear even, but you’re loved and we’d happily support you any way possible. I know you’re doing the best you can at the moment (even if it feels like you’re not, you are) but if there’s anything that might help, we’re here.
Your comment + cumulative weight of the other comments = sniffling. In a good way.
Thanks, everybody.
If we know cigarette smoking is bad for us, we usually don’t smoke. If we know sticking our hand on a hot stove is going to burn us, we don’t do it. If you know living in Alaska and the shortness of the daily sun is going to make you depressed and suicidal, then WTF are you doing living there all year long? You’re a financial wizard. Either arrange, save, finagle to get your butt out of there for a week or two in the sun or just shut up!
Life is short. Why do you insist on being miserable? You can take all the Vitamin D’s you want or shine 10 billion lightbulbs in your face. Nothing replaces the sun!
I’m sorry but for me, I choose not to waste one second of my life being unhappy. Hope you will too!
Good luck!
I never said I was suicidal, and the “shortness of the daily sun” isn’t an issue all year long. In fact, starting in April the light lingers noticeably and for part of the summer it doesn’t get truly dark.
The S.A.D., as noted, isn’t usually this bad and I don’t “insist on being miserable.” As noted, I shared the post to let other people know that it’s OK to ask for help. Therefore I’ll pass on your thoughtful suggestion to “just shut up!” and keep doing what I do.
Always a pleasure, Cindi.
Just catching up on your blog and hope your are doing okay, Donna. What a wonderful community you’ve assembled here, most of whom get it and very much wish you better days soon. Just adding my best wishes to the torrent. Hang in there!
I appreciate your concern — and you’re right, it is a great group.
Thanks for reading, and for leaving a comment.