(This is another in an occasional series of articles focusing on saving serious dough. A little background can be read here.)
Part of me thinks it’s a bit late to bring up the holidays, since some people have already finished their shopping and have their decorating plans well underway.
Then again, I expect lots of people have barely begun, because 2020 has sucked as relentlessly as gravity. Heck, April lasted something like 22 weeks and the pre- and post-election antics have left my head spinning. How about yours?
Money is a bigger-than-usual issue this year. #ThanksCOVID Layoffs, work slowdowns and dismal business returns have left some people frankly terrified. Should they spend on gifts and tinsel when they’re worried about being able to make the rent next month?
Spoiler alert: Some do. CreditCards.com surveyed 2,369 U.S. residents and almost half were willing to acquire debt (or sink deeper into it) to prepare for Dec. 25.
Here’s another sign of the times. Recently the Buy Nothing Facebook group to which I belong split into three smaller groups. One former member reports that her new group has very few giveaways but is replete with requests – many of them for food.
That led me to wonder how many of those Buy Nothing giveaway items are going to constitute a big part of Christmas for some households, both in that group and in my own. Certainly I’ve seen responses like, “This would be a great Christmas gift for my son” or “We’d love to get those decorations because we don’t have any and it’s been a tough year.”
So maybe it’s not too late for me to write about this topic. Maybe it’s the perfect time.
Last year I did “Extreme frugality: Holiday shopping edition,” with tips on how not to break the bank at Christmas. This time around I’m going to address holiday attitude, because how we approach the season has a lot to do with how the season shakes down. These tips come from “Your Playbook for Tough Times, Vol. 2: Needs and Wants Edition.”*
(Note: I’m focusing on Christmas because there’s noticeably less marketing pressure to spend more than you can afford on Hannukah and Kwanzaa. Long may that continue!)
Holiday anxiety
Emotions run high during the last couple of months of the year. Are we cooking, hosting, shopping, wrapping, decorating and traveling the right way? Will our holidays be magic enough?
Once upon a time we put this kind of pressure on ourselves, with help from our families of origin (who ask whether 30-something “kids” are coming “home” for the holidays) and also from Madison Avenue advertising agents (who never met an emotion they couldn’t milk). Lately, social media in general and Pinterest/Instagram in particular have really amped up the quest for perfection.
Two things:
- There’s no single “right” way to celebrate. If you want to spend Christmas opening the two gift cards your folks sent, doing a quick FaceTime visit to thank them, ordering pizza and then binge-watching your favorite series, then ho-ho-ho and you-do-you.
- The success of a holiday celebration is neither measured nor guaranteed by the amount of money spent on it.
If it’s already clear that you can’t afford to overdo it during the holidays, please accept my congratulations: You are thinking with your head and not your heart. The pressures of the season are many and are terribly effective – unless you go into the season with a sense of calm and, maybe, a written plan.
Christmas is very important to me. When I was a kid, it usually meant getting at least one thing I wanted but never really believed I’d receive. My family wasn’t super-impoverished – we were never without food or shelter – but times were tight and I developed a scarcity mentality at a fairly young age.
Thus finding Skipper under the tree was a Christmas miracle, especially since I’d asked for that specific doll in that specific dress when I sat on the lap of the Santa hired by the glass factory where my mom worked. (These days I assume that my mom overheard what I said. Or maybe it was just the luck of the draw, since that year my sisters got Barbie and Ken.)
The memory of that kind of magic helps keep Madison Avenue in business. Those mad men and women know we want to make holidays memorable for our own kids, grandkids, nieces and nephews. Marketers are very, very good at what they do and as a result, too many of us are willing to go into debt (or at least to overbuy) to satisfy someone else’s idea of the perfect holiday.
The year’s hottest toy(s) must be obtained at all costs, even if that means an eBay bidding frenzy. Big-ticket items such as electronics or jewelry – or, heaven forbid, a new car with a big ribbon on it – must be featured. The same number of gifts must be given to each child, so that you’re not accused of favoritism. Certain brands or stores may be preferred.
Never mind whether you can afford any of this or not. You have to show your loved ones how much you care!
It’s not spelled “Chri$tma$”
That’s a sad way to define love – and an unquenchable one, since the ante gets upped each year. The 2-year-old who has as much fun with the box as the toy that came in it will become more demanding by age 6, or age 16. The spouse who was thrilled with two gifts under the spindly little Charlie Brown tree now has his or her eyes on diamonds or a home theater system.
Those who are overindulged develop a sense of entitlement, and those who overspend each year could wind up not just indebted but also very disappointed because they didn’t satisfy every person’s wish.
Ho-ho-no.
Scaling back can be a hard sell if the holidays have typically been a big deal. But if times are tight, going deeper into debt is not the answer.
Or maybe you’re cluing in that the many hundreds (or thousands) you drop each holiday season translates to some pretty festive opportunity cost. Where else might some of that money better serve you and your family? (Emergency fund, college plan and retirement come immediately to mind.)
Besides, really small kids might not even notice the cutbacks. I really like that four-gift rule: Something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read. Or take the amount of money you can spare, even if it’s only a few dollars per person, and use frugal hacks to turn those bucks into the most thoughtful and unique gifts you can. (See last year’s extreme frugality/holiday shopping post for tips on that.)
Remain calm in the face of anger and/or tears. Yes, I’ll miss those big holiday extravaganzas too. But the virus/the divorce/the whatever means things have changed. Going into debt so we can pretend that everything’s the same is just not going to happen. Let’s sit down as a couple/a family and figure out some creative and fun ways to make this a great holiday.
Invite your spouse/kids to think back to last Christmas. It was fun, right? Now: Name everything you got. All of it, including what was in the stockings. Unless you specifically limited the number of gifts you requested or asked for just one or two special things, I’m betting you won’t be able to remember it all. I’m almost certain that your kids won’t.
It really doesn’t have to be spelled “Chri$tma$” to be memorable. Considering the holiday’s humble origins, it shouldn’t be all about excess anyway.
Keeping it real (affordable)
Throttling back on Christmas can be even trickier if you have an extended family celebration that turns into a game of red-and-green oneupsmanship. Who bought the most expensive spousal presents? Whose kids got the most gadgets?
Will it be embarrassing to admit you can’t afford to do that any longer? Maybe. But it’s not necessary to quit gathering. You just need to change the rules of holiday engagement. A few ideas:
- Gifts only to those under 18 or over 80
- Each person drawing one name rather than shopping for every shirt-tail cousin
- Set a very reasonable spending limit
- Choose one or more charities and have everyone donate instead of buying gifts
- Pull names from the Angel Tree or donate to Toys For Tots rather than buy presents for one another
- Ask social workers at a nursing home or veterans hospital for gift ideas (which could be as inexpensive as a pair of slippers)
- Have everyone bring canned food or pet products to donate to the food bank/animal shelter
- Create fun categories – “best of the dollar store,” “white elephants on parade,” “yard-sale finds,” “regifting gala” – and expect hilarity during the gift-opening process
Prepare to receive some serious attitude when you propose change. “What are you, some kind of Scrooge?” might be the kindest thing anyone says. But maybe your family will surprise you by embracing the idea of charitable giving or a funny theme.
If not, comfort yourself with the idea that some relatives might be silently grateful that you had the guts to suggest it – especially those hit hard by COVID or recent grads who have a lot of student debt.
Making holiday memories
Will big Christmas changes be easy? Probably no easier than any other changes your family has undergone lately. Or maybe you and yours have adjusted to the new normal and a celebration, any celebration, will be welcomed.
Once I interviewed a family who’d gone through some tough financial times and was being helped by Catholic Social Services. When I entered the apartment one of the kids eagerly said, “Do you want to see our Christmas tree?”
Um, a tree? When they were broke? The beaming children pulled me over to an evergreen tree shape they’d cut out of holiday wrapping paper and taped to the wall. They also pointed out the green and red chains they’d made from donated construction paper. Instead of pouting about having nothing, they were excited to show off their décor.
Not that your kids will automatically go full-The-Gift-of-the-Magi* on you. Getting used to the idea of a less-spendy Christmas could take time. It’s up to you, the adult, to walk your talk. Take that walk with this thought uppermost in mind: The holiday is what we make it.
Your kids may not remember each item in the pile of presents you bought last year, but it’s likely they’ll remember everything that happens this year – that is, if you make it your business to craft the best Christmas you can.
Focus on love and family, and the four-gift routine if you can swing it. Go to church; even if you’re not religious, churches often stage special, standalone music programs. Take walks to look at holiday decorations. Go caroling. Read holiday stories. Watch “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” and “A Charlie Brown Christmas.” Build a snowman or go sledding, then come home to tea or hot chocolate.
Your holiday might look different than you would have chosen. It’s still Christmas. Don’t forgo a tradition that’s always made you happy. Instead, get careful and creative and make this holiday all about love.
Okay, readers: How’s your holiday attitude? What’s changed this year, if anything, and how are you keeping things affordable?
*This is the link for the Kindle ($7.99) and paperback ($9.49) versions of the book. The PDF version is usually $6.99, but I’ve created a short-term discount; from now through Dec. 24, visit my payment platform and enter the code MAGI to get the PDF for $5.
**If you haven’t read the O. Henry short story “The Gift of the Magi,” take five minutes to read it now. The verbiage is old-fashioned, but the story stands the test of time.
Thank you for mentioning O. Henry’s “The Gift of the Magi” — it’s been a favorite of mine since I read it in high school, lo those many years ago. And it still makes my heart swell every time I read it.
I used to get the Christmas blues a lot. After all, my family has all died, I am single and have no kids. The prolonged Yuletide season just kept reminding me of all this. But then I remembered what my grandmother (who was born in the 1890s) told me. She thought all this over-the-top Christmas-ing from Halloween onward was absolutely ridiculous. She said her 19th century parents did not put up the Christmas tree until the morning of Christmas Eve, and there was not a mega-extended holiday season. They had a short, small and simple holiday. Very meaningful and quiet. By Dec. 26, it was all over. So….I never “deck the halls” until December. If at all. And if I do, I use what I already have stored in the attic, no new decorations to buy. I may send out cards around the second week of December, but no shopping marathons buying toys for my cousin’s bratty kids who don’t even remember my name, remember to say thanks, or (among the older ones) remember
to send a thank you card. I do not listen to the radio with all those sappy secular seasonal songs (Rocking around the Xmas tree, Blue Xmas, Santa Baby, Jingle Bell rock? really?). Instead, I get out my CDs of my favorite old rock bands, load ’em in the car and sing along to the early Beatles or Herman’s Hermits or whoever else would cheer me up….classic rock songs, not carols. I have opted out of exchanging gifts whenever possible and instead my pals and I usually go out to eat and have a merry time (but probably not this year due to Covid) and I’ll attend the annual Sunday school party. Bringing a gift I got at Aldi. (Don’t laugh, they have good stuff.) At home, instead of Xmas specials or Hallmark movies all December long, I watch the regular movies and TV shows I have on DVD. I concentrate on the religious aspects of the season, go to church, and read the Bible. Whenever possible, I work overtime (so coworkers can take time off to be with their kids) and enjoy having a bit more cash to start the new year with. Then, fairly late, usually around Dec. 18 or 20, I will start “Christmas-ing”..play the Xmas carols, open the Xmas cards, and watch the shows and go see the lights around the city. And that is just enough to enjoy, not enough to drag me down. My slogan is “have yourself a merry LITTLE Xmas.” It might not work for everyone, but it has been a sure cure for my December depression.
A merry little Christmas sounds about right.
This year certainly is different. We bought some extra Christmas lights and added to our usual display this year. The neighbors have all punched it up a bit too. It makes us all feel a little bit happier. We are also trading baked goods or produce from the garden. I will only see my parents from across the driveway or maybe in the back yard. I sent a few smaller gifts to my sister and her family and I’ll send my nephew some cash to take his girlfriend out. I have small gifts for my parents – just fun things that I always get them like my dad’s favorite candy and some aloe infused socks for my mom. The step kids are getting cash or gift cards and my parents already told us they would only be giving cash. I am planning on making a cash donation to St. Mary’s Food Bank so that they can get whatever they need. I think they are going to be busy for the next few months.
Very busy indeed, unfortunately.
I’ve noticed that our neighbors and folks on other streets are also “punching up” their light displays. Back in the day it used to be a big thing in town — so big, in fact, that we in the features department fanned out across the city to report on the best and brightest displays. The newspaper ran a map and directions, and readers drove through the neighborhoods to gawk. That was definitely a simpler time.
Between various rewards programs, gift cards are paying for a large portion of our gifts this year. My son got married this year and they both work in retail. Between that and Covid-19, our gatherings will be paired down this year. We go to a vibrant church, so we aren’t worshiping in person until things get better. Even if we attend digitally, that’s one less thing competing for our time. We can still donate to Angel Tree and the local food pantry, though. Mom just turned 88, so we’ll have to see her sometime in December or suffer the consequences.
DF’s mom will be 93 in January and she’s taking the hunkering-down seriously. He visits her a few days a week (masked and socially distanced) and calls her daily. I expect her Christmas will be low-key as well.
I plan to keep making donations to the Alaska Food Bank, because it was a bad year for anyone whose job has to do with tourism.
I frankly struggle a lot with Christmas-related depression and realized last year that what I had assumed was seasonal allergies is in fact a Christmas week cold that lays me out every year as regular as clockwork. I suspect that’s because I’m at the low point by then of trying to balance my immediate family’s desire for an extremely low-key Christmas celebration with what the rest of the family and every other organization in our lives insists on.
It’s going to be interesting to see how it goes this year because things are so different: offices are not having gatherings and we’re not getting together with our families. Maybe I won’t be depressed! 🙂
Oh, and I must give praise to you writing “2020 has sucked as relentlessly as gravity.” That is some awesomely apt wordsmithing.
Why, thank you.
I think I am cranky.
I am, surprisingly, looking forward to not going anywhere or getting together with anyone. Younger me used to want gatherings. Now, not so much.
I am finding it hard to care whether I have gotten enough gifts for even my beloved husband and daughter. It seems like too much to think about. I just want whatever I have purchased so far to be enough.
Pandemic fatigue, maybe? It’s a thing.
This year because of Covid I will not be seeing daughter and grandson. Instead, I’m 100% with Frugal Lisa in celebrating Christmas as a religious event. I’ll be going to church (yes, mine is open) and spending the day reading and eating delicious junk food like chips and Snickers. I do wonder how that candy bar got its name.
I also will be praying for our country which seems to be one massive glitch, for relief from government officials using Covid as an ego boost to their own power, and peace to those who have lost so much in the past few months.
I love your column, Donna, and I pray for good health for you and yours this coming year.
Thanks for your good wishes. Since COVID took my dad, I am fearful of losing others to this virus. We’ll be as careful as we can.
Hi Donna,
Your expression ‘scarcity mentality’ exactly explains the attitude my father spread around and I caught as a child.
I do try to make Christmas special without going overboard. The household recently acquired a new kitty cat fur baby who can be extra inquisitive and playful, so no tree this year, lol.
Thanks for this post, you’ve given me a lot to think about and a new vocabulary to explain some of the financial issues I wrestle with.
Regards,
Jane
Glad to help if I can. That’s one mean money monkey on your back, and you’ll feel a lot better once you’ve tamed it.
Christmas is not a huge deal at my house, no kids. I put a few decorations out and always make cookies….because..well, COOKIES. I give those to some as gifts, as well as my banana breads. I’ll watch a few favorite holiday classics as it gets closer. I normally would see my family, and attend a dear friends annual “Christmas Cocktails and BINGO” (WITH freebie/dollar store prizes, which is always a hoot! Alcohol induced adults get VERY competitive over these things! LOL ) but …..Covid, so friends canceled their annual event, … I did not participate in family thanksgiving, and won’t at Christmas either.
Since i have no one to buy for, and am lucky enough to still be gainfully employed during these tough times — I set aside a little money and gave to a few of my favorite charities on this Giving Tuesday — many are getting matching gifts today! I did include my local food bank, as i know many are struggling right now to put food on the table.
They are indeed, which is why I am contributing to the local food bank as well as to Feeding America.
This year will be a low key Christmas! We put up decorations but not as much as usual. We don’t know who we will see in person. I am cutting back on Christmas presents because I am not going out to shop and I hate on line shopping. I am going to do some baking and send it to my kids over the next few weeks.
My main celebration of Christmas will be the birth of Jesus…online church I guess if that is all that is offered. Prayers for peace & health for all.
I will spend some down time planning for what I would like the future to hold and start a plan of attack.
We usually gather for Christmas at my daughter’s or youngest son’s houses; don’t know how it will be this year due to the pandemic. I put my tree up later in December and have used the same tree decorations for 50+ years now. I’ll attend church, either in person or online depending on the pandemic, and just be thankful for all my blessings.
In light of the fact of the growing numbers of pandemic infections, our family is not getting together. (Four kids, their spouses/significant others and four grandchildren, assorted friends who have no plans) My very brave daughter suggested not exchanging gifts this year as we won’t be seeing each other on the holidays. I told her I was fine with not exchanging gifts among adults but that I did want to give something to each of the grandkids. I then passed it on to the other three adult kids with the subtle suggestion: …”and maybe we won’t exchange gifts in the future…” just to put the idea out there and maybe plant a frugal-idea-seed. Everyone is on board at least for this year.
One thing I want to suggest to you and other readers is something we do every year at my house on Christmas Eve is group game playing…Christmas Trivia (internet has tons of facts), guessing games…What Christmas movie character am I?…filling in the next line to Christmas songs, etc. Prizes are Dollar Store items, nips for the adults and candy for the kids, lottery scratch tickets. So much FUN, tons of laughs and much easier to prep than you’d think and everyone has a blast. I would rather spend less money on this than I would on expensive gifts. This year we won’t be getting together but you can be sure we’ll be playing next year if things are better.