A recent study from the NerdWallet consumer blog — love that name — indicates that men still pick up the tab way too automatically.
(Yes, I’m aware that men still tend to out-earn women; I’ll address that in a minute)
But seriously? I thought this kind of thing was supposed to have gone out after the 1970s:
77.4 percent of those surveyed thought men should pay for the first date.
Even in a relationship, 56.1 percent of men still pay for date nights.
Almost 40 percent of men cover all household bills; just 14.3 percent of women do.
Remind me: In which century are we living? I just don’t see how this is fair.
Again, I understand that men tend to make more money. If he (or she) earns $100,000 a year vs. a significant other’s $30k, then splitting the bills based on ability to pay makes sense. Not doing so can lead to resentment and, ultimately, one partner’s being unable to save for retirement or enjoy a few niceties.
I’ve read letters to advice columnists written by people who were expected to chip in 50 percent of expenses even though their partners out-earned them by a considerable margin. The other person in the relationship always seems clueless (how convenient!) about the financial impact of their shared arrangement.
As a divorcee, all I can think of when I read these letters is, “Honey, you’re not putting away anything for retirement and more to the point, what if you break up? You don’t have a dime of savings. Where would you go? What would you do?”
(Incidentally, “honey” can be addressed to either male or female letter-writers – although generally the authors are women.)
Budgeting and romance
In that case it would be wise to speak frankly not just about what you can afford, but what kind of lifestyle you’re interested in helping to fund. If you’re earning a lot less then should the two of you really be living in a swanky downtown apartment building? Especially if your “share” of the rent eats up two-thirds of your take-home pay?
I like this approach, from a Dear Abby letter:
My first husband controlled all the money, my pay and his. He bought what he wanted, but didn’t always pay the mortgage or utilities.
In my second marriage, my money is my money and his money is his. If I earn 60 percent of the income, I pay 60 percent of the shared bills. Whatever is left is up to my own discretion to spend, and the same goes for his paycheck.
Suppose you earn twice as much as your partner. You certainly have the right to say, “Let’s spend two weeks in Europe.” However, your significant other has the right to say, “Would love to but I just can’t swing my half.” At which point you have several options.
Go by yourself.
Ask your partner how much s/he could contribute toward that trip and fund the rest of it from your larger salary. (However: No fair reminding your partner of how much this is costing you, or using that cost as a means of getting your way all the time.)
Compromise on a less-expensive vacation and propose a “two weeks in Europe” savings challenge.
A shared intention (and may I suggest an emergency fund?) could be a great relationship exercise. According to the NerdWallet survey, nearly 20 percent of couples have no shared savings objective.
“Goal-setting and savings should be a critical function of budgeting for anyone in a romantic and financial partnership,” says Shiyan Koh, NerdWallet’s vice president of personal finance.
You’re in this together
The operative word is “partnership.” The two of you are working toward a common goal, whether it’s a long-term relationship or eventual marriage. According to the National Center for Health Statistics (.pdf), nearly half of women under age 44 live with a significant other before marrying.
I’m there myself, and I don’t see myself getting hitched again. It’s not as though we’re going to have children. So what’s mine is mine and what’s his is his, except for the living expenses we share. (I laid out those expenses in this Get Rich Slowly article.)
As with everything else, date night is a series of frugal hacks. We both do some reviewing (music, opera, theater, comedy) so plenty of date nights are paid for by someone else. That’s a huge boost – thanks again, Opera News and other publications! – to our budget.
When we go to the Metropolitan Opera’s HD broadcasts at the movie theater, I generally pay with my discounted gift cards. Often I wind up turning them into articles like “5 financial lessons from ‘Parsifal’” and “8 personal finance lessons from ‘Gotterdammerung’,” which means I can take my ticket as a business expense.
We rarely eat out, but we may go to a nice place on what we consider our anniversary. Who will pay? Probably DF, because since MSN Money has kicked us all to the virtual curb I make less than he does. Then again, I covered our last trip to the Turnagain Arm Pit Barbecue. Things even out.
Readers: How do/did you handle money in current/previous relationships? Does/did anyone end up feeling squeezed?
Related reading:
- Can’t get ahead? Try a “savings challenge”
- Wealthy people think you could live on less
- Toward a care-free retirement
- Is it ever too late to start saving?
I am going through a divorce, so dating isn’t even on my radar right now. The only reason I do think about it is to know who I am and what I want. I hope someday to find a gentleman that thinks enough of me to pick up the tab for dinner. If he asks me out, but is all worried about “what’s fair” and “how this is going to hurt his wallet”, then I want no part in that relationship. Been there done that, and I’d rather stay single. Money is an important part of a relationship, but it should not be the “god” of the relationship. I want to share my life with someone that wants to share goals and dreams together. Money is just a tool to do that. Not what a relationship should be based on. Does that mean I will never pay for anything as the relationship progresses? No, but how he treats me on the first few dates will speak volumes. Just my 2 cents…
Totally with you on this one Renee.
Renee and Annie, I am with both of you on this. First of all, I am and have always been a firm believer in a woman preparing herself to be self supporting and on her own. I have never believed that a woman should sit around and wait for a man to rescue her financially. I have also never believed in “soaking” a man for everything you can get out of him. Having said that, I have learned through hard experience, I’m 56, that woman needs to keep alert as to how a man is treating her, especially at the beginning of a relationship.
When I was young and single, I thought of myself as “liberated” so I felt free to ask men out and pay for the first date, and share expenses. As it turned out, this was a big mistake. I am not trying to be a man basher, but a woman must be careful that a man is approaching her with regard and respect. It is important that she knows that he values her and her company. Unfortunately, one of the best ways of doing this is for him to invest effort, and yes, money, especially at the very beginning of the relationship. A much as our society touts equality, there are still a lot of men out there who are happy to take advantage of everything a woman has to offer while giving little in return.
I love this Punkin Pye. I can’t even add one word.
Agreed…that was well said Punkin Pye, and helps reaffirm my train of thought.
Agreed, Punkin. If someone (male or female) is a little too focused on dollars and cents, this leads me to think stuff like:
1. This person is waaaay too worried about “fairness” or money. In that case, why not suggest a casual coffee meeting? If the other person offers to pay for his/her own, great. If not, it won’t break me to buy coffee for some guy to get to know him. (Oh, and remember this phrase if that person wants to buy: “Thank you! I’ll get the next one.”)
2. This person is hyperfocused on what’s “owed” after an expenditure. For a guy, that could be “I’m not spending money on a great dinner unless I know I’m getting something in return.” (And we all know what he thinks that “something” should be.) For a woman, it’s likely “If I agree to let him buy me dinner, exactly what does he expect in return?”
And remember, ladies, the last line of Punkin’s note could be flipped on its head:
“As much as our society touts equality, there are still a lot of WOMEN out there who are happy to take advantage of everything a MAN has to offer while giving little in return.”
Don’t be that woman. She gives us all a bad name. And don’t let some guy take and take and take without any indication he’s invested, as it were, in getting to know you better. Being a sugar mama OR a sugar daddy is not a great basis for a relationship.
Well, I’ve never been married, so my answer is biased.
Currently I am the bread-winner (and cat-food provider) in my household. The fur-kids provide love, affection and carpet-messes for me to clean up.
I consider it a draw.
In past relationships (and mind you, they are so far back in history that I can barely remember), I pretty much only dated men who were on a comparable financial footing with myself; therefore all expenses were generally split evenly. The one time I dated someone with significantly higher income than myself, I’m ashamed to say that I allowed date-type expenses to be paid for me. It was when I was in college, so I paid my tuition, room and board. I did cook meals for us about half the time to avoid going out for every meal (but he paid for the groceries).
I am all for whoever did the asking and planning should pay for the night out. A perfect example is I have a male friend if I suggest night out to the movies which is our favourite thing to do I pay and if he suggests it he pays or we pay for our own and share the cost of snacks or dinner and we usually go when its like $5 Tuesdays or other cheap times. That’s our frugal friendship hack.
It depended on who did the asking.
If I saw something that I wanted to attend, I would pay. He did the same.
He paid for the meals out because I always reciprocated with home made dinners (and I am a good cook).
He could do things like replace the battery in my car, so I sewed on his buttons.
I want to say that he was extremely frugal at the time. I wasn’t. However, it seemed to work out pretty equally. I’ll admit that a couple of times I did not cook for him because he hadn’t taken me to dinner. I also tend to like things like touring Broadway plays or concerts while he preferred home shows or RV shows. But he did pay for local community theater tickets.
I would suggest that each person pay the % of bills according to his/her salary. I would also suggest that retirement savings be separate. Also, if you receive an inheritance, be sure to put it in a separate account with your name only on it. That way you won’t lose it in a divorce.
My husband and I (second marriage for each of us) have joint checking account and we haven’t had problems with who pays for what. When we do eat out, I pay the bill with our joint credit card, mostly because I manage the household account.
When we were dating, he took me out twice, then I invited him to dinner and footed the bill.
We have separate retirement accounts and different investing philosophies, but are generally compatible on what/how we spend and save.
Ah, compatibility. Being on the same page financially is wonderful.
This is my second marriage (the first lasted less than a year, not even worth mentioning), and we keep our finances separate. Prior to our BK back in 2010, we did have a joint account for bill paying, but after it was closed, we never established another joint account. Though DH brings home about 1.5 times as much as I, we split the mortgage evenly. This is a leftover from prior to the recession, when we both brought home about the same amount.
He pays for the WiFi, satellite (soon to be cancelled :)), Netflix and all vehicle, yard and household maintenance and upgrades. I pay the utilities, water, sewer, garbage service (the latter three are on one bill). We split grocery shopping.
It works for us. I cannot imagine having a joint account, attempting to keep up with debit card purchases, and squabbling over every little purchase (this happens with a couple we know-no thanks).
Referencing the article title, DH pays 99% of the time we go out, and he buys take out on Friday nights. If I happen to receive a large commission check, I treat him to a nice meal out. I do all the cooking at home, except BBQing. 😉
We do a split in our household, too. I pay for phone and Internet because I need them for work, chip in on groceries and pay a monthly fee toward home expenses. That middle part is a bit loosey-goosey: Sometimes I pay at the supermarket, sometimes he does; sometimes he’ll take the $20 or $40 I offer when he buys stuff at Costco, sometimes he doesn’t. Whichever of us sees the great deal in the clearance bin will bring home what we call a “stirring tale of thrift.”
As far as food goes, we eat out only three or four times a year. He does more of the cooking than I do.
If I want to see a movie with Linda B. then of course I pay for it. As noted, we don’t have to pay for too much of our total entertainment. Neither of us much on decorating so we don’t have many other household expenses except for the garden, and this year we used up a bunch of older seeds and spent maybe $12 or so on seedlings and seed potatoes. Frugal fun — especially the eating part.
We’re definitely not going to parse it to the last penny, but I do want to make sure I tote my share of the load. Every situation is different; I think it’s best to work it out for yourselves, as long as one party isn’t carrying an undue burden.
Thanks for reading, and for leaving a comment.
Sorry to say that after 30 years of marriage, our values around money are farther apart than they ever were. 6 years ago we split the money. He makes more than me and also has higher assets. I am still frugal and he has become a complete spendthrift, which hackles me.
Anyway, he usually pays when we eat out, which he likes to do far more than I do. As far as the bills are concerned, we pay a percent based on the percent of our income against the total income. Currently, I pay 37% of the bills.
You know, I don’t even remember who did the paying before we got married. I imagine we did it like I was brought up to do with guests– when I visited he’d take care of meals in and I would treat him out to something nice at least once, and vice versa when he visited. But who knows, maybe we always went Dutch? It’s hard to say. (Now that we’re married we pool, though I’ve always been careful to make sure he maxes out his own-named retirement stuff.)
I treated my first high school boyfriend a lot because he never had any money. I remember I paid for him to go to Much Ado About Nothing (Branagh version) and he liked it so much he offered to pay me back for it. He fancied himself more of an Adam Sandler fan. (Waterboy, not Wedding Singer.) It didn’t work out.
My husband & I were each broke and sick of it when we started dating. I happened to be finishing up Financial Peace University, and offered to share what I was learning. Early on, we started doing our monthly budgets side-by-side, and our courtship was very frugal: lots of home-cooked meals, swimming in his apartment building’s pool, and $3 movies at the second-run theater. Who paid was never really an issue, because everything we did was very inexpensive, but we seemed to alternate, and things always felt equitable.
The week after we married, we combined our finances, and kept right on doing what we’d been doing, except now we make one budget instead of two. No matter who does the earning or the spending, it’s all “our” money and “our” expenses. The debt each of us brought into the marriage became “our debt,’ as well, and we worked together to pay it all off. When one of us works long hours, the other picks up the slack at home, and we believe that both actions allow our household to bring in the money. We’re fortunate that our views on money align, as do our goals and vision for the future… our individual pursuits also fit well within the larger framework of the marriage.
The only part that’s separate in our finances, because it has to be by law, is our retirement accounts. But we are, of course, each other’s beneficiary.
That type of blending isn’t for everyone, I know, but it works beautifully for us.
Since situations vary, solutions vary as well. What works for one couple might need a bit of tweaking to fit someone else.
This is exactly what I envision someday if I ever marry again! I’m a Dave Ramsey fan as well, and believe he is onto something when it comes to money and marriage.
That’s sweet, Renee, thank you…. It works for us because we’re on the same page, which I think is the *most* important part. My heart breaks for my friends in marriages where spouses can’t agree on finances. It seems like constant strife, that undermines the whole deal.
In a class about 25 years ago, the professor taught this system of paying percents of income instead of 50/50. It was such a novel idea that made so much sense. The last guy I dated who is also exbf on my blog only took me out about three times in two years. However, he mowed my lawn, did things around the house, like picking up heavy things. I cooked about 100 meals to the one he paid for. It never bothered me because he, as he sayd, “Sang for his supper. Most of the time, I paid for all the groceries. If I asked, he would pay for something, but these times were few and far between.
We’ve always thrown everything into a common pot. We also have separate credit cards and separate retirement accounts. There have been times that he has out-earned me, and times that I’ve out-earned him. We each get $20 a week in “allowance” money, which we can spend however we want, no questions asked. I am not sure if our method would work for other couples. Talk about YMMV!
Everyone’s mileage varies! But yours sounds (to me) like a sensible way of doing things.
Well, I doubt I’ll ever do a common pool again. In my marriage, we kept everything in both names; either one of us could move all our money without telling the other. When he decided that he wanted to leave, he could easily have locked me out of everything from credit cards to cash. Heck, he could have changed my car title without telling me – and I’d inherited the car from my mom! Though he never tried to cheat me financially, the moment I realized how close I came to destitution changed me forever.
Helps that we’ve always been on the same page re spending, etc. After 35 years, don’t see that changing. This splitting, mine is mine, yours is yours, or calculating percentages is too complicated for us. We have a joint checking and everything goes into the same pot. There have been years where he was making significantly more and others when it was reversed (last recession killed his restaurant). It evens out in the end.
I understand other people’s relationships are different based on their experiences. As I said, it helps that we trust each other re money. We always let the other one know if we are wanting to make a big purchase, i.e. new countertops in the kitchen. DH knows that’s on the radar!
We were both pretty broke when we met in our 20s. We did date nights and spent a lot of time traveling back and forth to see each other, but we never argued about it. We split expenses for the most part.
Once we got married, Greg earned far more than me. Still, we combined our finances and shared everything jointly. Now that I make more than he does, we still do things that way.
I think sharing our money is good for our marriage and our finances. We never argue about money or how to spend it because everything is “ours.”
The first thing I thought of when I saw the title of this entry is that women on average make 78 cents on the dollar for every dollar a man makes for the same job. That’s over $10,000 a year on average. So subconsciously maybe men are compensating for the disparity by paying for dates.
That aside, my husband and I put all of our assets together, always have. It takes communication and trust. We discuss large purchases and while I generally handle paying the bills, he checks our accounts regularly so we’re on the same page.
I can say that we are not yet financially stable, but we pay our bills, put foods in our fridge and we can buy things what we need. Me and my hubs both pay our bills and utilities and since he makes more money than me he usually pays our personal debt. 🙂
Hi All, My husband & I have been married for 49 years and we have
both our names on everything. I have been pretty much responsible
for groceries, my meds, and anything else I want. Over the yrs he
paid for most everything cause when the kids were real young I didn’t work until they were in school, then I worked to help him out. We had 3 kids. He paid all the bills, and now a mortgage. And
and I pay what was mentioned above. The only thing we argue about
as far as money is that I want him to get insurance incase one of
us get badly hurt, terminal ill, or in a nursing home. He does
think we need it, that if anything happens to one of us the other’s
name is on everything. To me that just means the other has to
continue paying for it and my SS isn’t nearly as much as his. And
nether would be able to pay for a nursing home. He has life insurance but I don’t want him to die so I can afford to get it.
No convincing him other wise. thanks for listening.