Tell me: What is it you plan to do with your 30 wild and precious extra years?
Right now a man can expect to live to at least age 72 and possibly as long as 87; for women, the numbers are 79 and almost 89. (Hint: It helps if you’re rich.)
Back in 1916, the average life expectancy for men was 49.6 years and for women 54.3 years.
According to a new study from Allianz Life, most of us (93 percent) are excited about the fact that we’re living three decades longer than our ancestors did.
Among the top plans for those years are “travel extensively” (56 percent) and “live in a different place” (35 percent). Most interesting to me is the fact that almost one-quarter of those surveyed say they would “take more risks in life.”
In part, that’s because they’re steeped in remorse about the road(s) not taken.
We’re regretting some pretty major life choices, especially as regards the “the traditional and linear ‘school-work/marriage/kids-retirement’ track that has been the de facto life template for generations,” according to Allianz. A few of those disappointments:
- Not following our dreams (39 percent)
- Not taking career risks (38 percent)
- Not taking risks with life in general (36 percent)
- Not doing the things we wanted to do (35 percent)
I hope people are focusing more on the years they have left than the regrets about years gone by. Resisting that de facto template was not only difficult, but scary. Everyone expected it of you, and then there’s the fear of missing out – on the right job in your field, the girl/guy of your dreams, the perfect house – unless you jumped early.
Fact is, there’s often another job or another house. Another guy/girl, too – or maybe that special someone would have waited if you’d said, “Crazy idea: Let’s travel and see the world together!” or “I want to join the Peace Corps and teach in Africa.”
On the other hand, that person may also have been conditioned to meet expectations and would have responded along the lines of, “We either get married or we break up.” And sometimes the perfect job/home is the first one we find.
Could our extra few decades constitute a do-over? The “travel” and “live elsewhere” folks seem to be thinking along those lines. They should keep in mind, however, that such things might be more challenging due to chronic conditions or disease.
“Newfound possibilities”
Personally, I’m delighted by the idea of 30 more years with DF. My goal is that we hang on even longer than that, since we have a lot of catching-up to do.
That puts me in the camp of those who have “the opportunity to look back and evaluate their past decisions and consider the newfound possibilities for the future afforded by time.” Or so says Allianz Life Vice President of Consumer Insights Katie Libbe.
For example:
- 29 percent of those surveyed want to pursue a dream such as starting a business
- 21 percent want to try a new career (one they actually like)
- 19 percent want to volunteer or support the environment
- 16 percent would choose to work for more years but for fewer hours per week
I’ve incorporated all but the volunteering into my own midlife experience. Although I’d like to volunteer more than I do, the fact that I have my own business (self-employed person, writing coach, creator of a blogging class) keeps my contribution to community service somewhat limited.
And about that “working fewer hours” thing: A couple of years back I made that carefully thought-out choice. Are my finances in order as a result? Yes and no. Depends on whom you ask.
No one can predict things like how much medical treatment will be needed, whether or not it will be possible to stay in the same house, or whether the death of a spouse/partner will kick the props out from under one’s finances.
The good and the bad
Maybe that’s why 5 percent of respondents called the prospect of an extra three decades “terrifying.” They’re either unprepared or fear they can never prepare enough.
Or perhaps they’re hung up on those roads not taken. If that’s you, please try to focus on what you achieved rather than what you wish you’d done.
Certainly I’ve had regrets about how long I stayed in an abusive relationship. But on the other hand, if I hadn’t married him I never would have made it to Alaska, probably wouldn’t have become a writer and, most important of all, I wouldn’t have met DF.
Sometimes we don’t know why things happen the way they do until much later, when we look back and say, “Oh, now I get it.” Not that everyone has a fairy-tale ending, or even a particularly happy one. But the incidents that trouble us along the way aren’t ruining our lives – they are our lives. We’re shaped by both the good and the bad things that happen.
Obviously I celebrate my current happiness as compared to my previous misery. But I’m also learning from those old patterns of withdrawal and self-abasement. Mostly what I’ve learned is that even with an extra 30 years, life is too short to live in silence and in sorrow.
Readers: Does the idea of living longer scare you or thrill you? Do you, like me, wish for even more time?
Related reading:
I have the paperwork to take an early retirement. All that I need to do is have it notarized and file it. I would like more time, but would like to be in my right mind and have fewer health problems.
Yep. What good is it to have 30 more years if you can’t enjoy at least some of them?
Thanks for reading, and for leaving a comment.
I want to have as much time as I can, snd I am keeping my eye on the second half of my life being much better than the first ♡
This post reminds me of when I was recently post-divorce visiting family back East. I was planning on traveling to visit a gentleman friend to spend New Years. When telling my older and long time divorced sister my plans, she immediately planned on gathering her friends and having an intervention for me. My response to her was that I was an adult and was tired of living my life with my face plastered to the window watching the world go by. If I made a mistake, I planned on embracing them and at least have some memories to grow older with. She has never said another peep. We both grew up at that moment.
Carol – I really enjoyed your response. My husband’s aunt is 75 and spends four months a year visiting a man she really likes in another state where it is cold in the winter. She visits in the summer since she doesn’t care for cold weather. For various reasons they will never marry. Many family members disapprove but she ignores them because it’s her life. I think she’s awesome and a role model for healthy/happy senior living. She was very unhappy in her 1950’s marriage and lost a succession of partners in the following years.
Good for you for sticking up for your life and your happiness.
A close friend’s mom has been with her partner for more than 40 years, without benefit of clergy. Both of them have been married and divorced to others. They’re in their 80s and very happy.
I agree that Carol should do what works for her, too.
I appreciate the wonderful comments. We knew that we couldn’t maintain a two-coast relationship, so it was fun while it lasted. I totally enjoyed dating again after 26 years of marriage. It was a blast meeting new people. Eventually, I started dating a great man, that wore me down and I did finally say yes. It’s amazing when you’re in a wonderful relationship, you finally see how bad the previous one was.
“It’s amazing when you’re in a wonderful relationship, you finally see how bad the previous one was.”
This ++++ a billion.
Oh, yes – sometimes I find myself thinking something like “One of the things I really like about [new partner] is that he’s never once said ‘you’d be so pretty if…'” or told me I was crazy/weird.
Why on earth did I think that was OK for nearly 20 years?
Ask myself that sometimes, too. Mostly I focus on DF’s open admiration and loving behavior — and, of course, reciprocate it. <3
At some point you cease to need protection from yourself. Apparently you have reached that point. Hope you enjoyed the visit.
“My response to her was that I was an adult and was tired of living my life with my face plastered to the window watching the world go by.”
Yes. And at 51 I’m hoping to be “post” close to the new year. (Haven’t started yet.) I’m tired of living to someone else’s schedule, abilities (or lack of) etc. Everyone else I know got children, have grandchildren and I got none (his choice). I put my job on hold while he pursued his much bigger career (HAHAHA).
Its my turn. My terms. A benign brain tumor changes your perspective.
All my relatives lived well into their 80’s, ggmother 99. I am NOT going to spend it plopped in front of a TV because that’s all someone else can do.
Go you!
Mdoe – I hear you. I limited my career choices for my ex. Wanted to go back to school, but he said we couldn’t afford it with a mortgage, daycare, etc. I passed up promotions because who would take care of him? Almost lost our house because he wanted to go to photography school, but didn’t want to work while attending. Then when he graduated, he didn’t want to take just any job. I resigned from the Reserves, so he could finish his career since “I” had to find daycare for our daughter when our drill weekends fell on the same days. Final straw was when I wanted to take a special trip for our 25th wedding anniversary and he wouldn’t compromise on any of the destinations I wanted. It hit me, it’s always been like this and it was never going to get better. Either I continue living as part of the furniture or I change. Heard recently that he still tells people how horrible I was. It makes me laugh.
Parts of your story sound strangely familiar….You’re well out of that one.
As usual Donna I enjoyed this posting very much. Last week at this time, my husband and I were coming back from two weeks traveling from the US to Nova Scotia in Canada. My husband, a cancer survivor, always wanted to see the area we traveled through. He’d been there on a business trip and wanted to see it as a tourist. Since we’ve been back he’s had a spring in his step and a gleam in his eye I haven’t seen in a while.
Yes. We definitely want more time. I was one of the lucky ones who foolishly followed my dreams as a young woman. I’ve taken many risks, some of them financial and am happy to say things seem to be working out for us.
Unfortunately, with cancer, there’s that dread before every one of my husband’s check ups. So, we live frugally during most of the year to help make my husband’s travel dreams a reality as often as possible.
This year we’ve taken one 2 week cruise and plan to take another in four months.
It’s working for us even if others see us as extravagant or crazy even.
Personally, I don’t think it’s extravagant or crazy. Use the time to best advantage.
Looking forward to seeing you in San Diego.
Live your life to the fullest….Be Happy!
Thinking about living another 30 years is exciting to me and my hubby. He comes from a family of long-livers, but I do not. So I want to keep up with him (he’s 10 years older than I am, and be the first one in my family to live really, really long. So every day we try to work in a smart way, eat healthfully, exercise (we call it movement), go to bed before the late news, talk to a family member and talk to each other. Add in a few separate interests, and that’s a full day! I do appreciate travel, and we do some to visit various family members, but we abhor that concept of a “bucket list”. I do appreciate that everyone is different and believe that if you can figure out what works for you, you will be the happiest you can be.
Paternal grandmother lived to age 94 and maternal grandfather to age 87. Other grandparents would have lived longer with today’s medicine. My mother died at age 90 and dad is now 92. I do not want to live to be 90 unless I am healthy and in my right mind.
My dad is still deeply mourning the loss of my mother 2 years ago after 67 years of marriage. I’ve never been married so will never feel that kind of grief.
I am a cancer survivor so there is always that voice in the back of my head. Did they really get rid of all of it? It was supposedly removed from my body in 1999, but is it hiding somewhere else in my body?
I also worry because I’ve never married and who will take care of me. I have no significant other. That scares me when I remember the kind of care my mom required and the assistance my dad needs now.
I’m not sure I want to live in to my 90’s.
I want as many years as possible with my brain in tact and my body working enough that I just complain like normal but trudge on. 🙂 I try to live in a way that would mean that whether I die tomorrow or at age 100, I never say “Crap, I should have _____”. If I ever find myself thinking about a path not taken, it generally takes me 3 months or less to try it out. Thankfully, my paths not taken regrets are generally job related. With friends and family, I try to cherish every day I have with them.
For more on, “Crap, I should have ____,” see:
http://donnafreedman.com/2015/05/11/taking-a-careful-leap-of-faith/
Perhaps I am the minority, but I have no regrets in life. At 66, I plan on doing exactly what I have always done, enjoying my little cottage, avoiding malls, seeing friends and family daily, and immersing myself in church activities. I also joined the local chapter of Missing and Exploited Children which I find very rewarding–it’s my “giving back” for all of the blessings I have received.
You’re in a very fortunate minority! Glad your life is going the way you want it to go. Good for you for giving back.
At this point in my life, I just want to peacefully relax, have no one bother me and stop cringing when the phone rings. I am sure I will love the long life and experiences when I get there.
I will take all the time I can get. I look forward to seeing where my children’s path take them in life and just being there for them when they need me. I had a terrible first marriage that lasted almost 10 years and the divorce seemed to last another 20 years while raising the children. Now that the kids are young adults and responsible for themselves and have very level heads it is just so much easier. My current husband is like a best friend that is there no matter what…we laugh a lot and feel blessed! Give me as much time to be happy, healthy and be there for my family 🙂
I also come from long-lived family on both sides, and would say I welcome a longer old age: it is up to me to do all that I need to do to make it a healthy one. I get exercise, I eat less than I used to, I’m slowly improving my diet, and look forward to getting back into lifting weights.
My dad is a wonderful example of living better as well as longer: he has been going to the gym every day but Sunday for decades now. He still has good balance, excellent strength, and is seldom ill. He is almost 90. I expect to have him around for another 5 years plus. I’m happy for him, because he enjoys his daily life, except for the memory problems.
If I knew I could not be healthy, then I would hope I could have the ingenuity to figure out how I could work with what I could still do. Of all traits, I think I value mental toughness most.
Your post and all the thoughtful comments are giving me food for thought. I just turned 50, and have a comfortable, non challenging life, but there are things I should change, so that I can continue my life in a healthful way. Mainly, I need to work to lose weight and get fit. So far no major health issues, but I’ve been lucky.
I would like to spend the next 30 years as healthy as possible, so there’s no time like the present.
Thanks for the perspective!
You’re welcome! And I agree: Loving the comments. Thanks, all you thoughtful readers.
Hi Donna –
In one of Deepak Chopra’s books, he posited the theory that by all indications, the human body is designed to live, on average, 130 years. That means that at 65, I’m middle-aged, and if you’ve read my book, you know I have no intention of having to do anything over – I’m focused on how amazing it is to know who I am and what I want and life just gets better and better. I’ve started being invited for speaking engagements and books #2 and 3 are under construction. I’m writing a grant for a group of veterans who want to buy a historic building and renovate it as a home for displaced vets, and I feel as though the lake of blessings that’s been building against the dam is starting to breach its rim. Talk about being in the flow! woohooooo!!!
Don’t stop the flow! I have read part of your book and from it I gather that if you’ve decided to do something you won’t let any naysayers interfere with what you know to be your work.
My brother just sent me your site Donna! Seems like a perfect fit for my future goals. Just turned down a full time job yesterday and I am going to get my “30 year plan” in my sights. Couldn’t be more excited about them! Looking in to your writing course right now too!
Welcome! I hope you read around a bit and get to know not just me but the readers. Some very interesting commenters visit regularly and I enjoy the conversations.
Thanks so much! I definitely will – you are my “blog” of the week to check out! My brother has spoken highly of your writing.
Amen to all this. I am sitting here with a lot of regrets and wishes. I am working on moving on from those to something better.
I had cancer at 21/22. Then dated my brains out for years, ’cause post-C I wanted to marry and be a SAHM with four kids. Um, didn’t happen. So I worked, saved and traveled. Went to the weddings, important occasions, visited the friends with babies. Made great new friends, bought a couple of houses, volunteered around my work schedule, traveled some more. Cycled Nova Scotia on an Outward Bound trip.
At 54, lightening struck and I got (OMG, so happily) married and yelled “FIRE”. Then FIL died and we discovered MIL has Alzheimer’s, so we bought a one story house and moved her in with us ten months after we wed.
Both of my parents weakened and died in their mid-eighties, with memory problems in the last few years. Still grieving their recent loss, but happy they’re no longer in pain.
DH’s daughter is due to have her first baby in a few weeks. Grandkids, oh, boy! Alas, they live halfway across the country. Still, a distant grand baby is better than no grandbaby, we hope.
DH’s wife died just short of their 25th Anniversary. We hope to cross the 25 year mark together, with our health and memories intact. We reach for happiness every day and enjoy the wealth of riches life has to offer.
So far, I wouldn’t change a thing. Can’t wait to see what the rest of life holds!
Thanks for sharing your story. It’s a testimony to a life well-lived — and I can’t wait to see what the rest of it holds, either, so I hope you’ll share that as well.
Donna, Like you and others,bad marriages abound in the regrets department. But WOW! post-bad-marriage is wonderful territory. The mental space alone is worth it. My children, thank God, are doing well. I get a kick out of being there for them, fully-without the distraction of a needy,selfish other person.Enjoying every minute of this more and more every day. I see myself visibly growing as a person. Fun stuff.Take heart, it gets better. My 79 year old mother teaches ballroom dance and has a more active social life than I do. God bless her. I want to be her when I grow up.
My father teaches country line dancing and yep, his social life abounds.
Glad to hear you’re flourishing. Thanks for sharing your example.
I’m very conflicted about the prospect of living 30-40 more years. (Currently 50, paternal grandmother died at 88 and maternal at 94+, mother still going very strong at 76.) On the one hand, there is a lot I would like to do that hasn’t been possible up to now because of working and living in a big city. (E.g.: have a garden.) And odds are good I will be pretty healthy up to my early 80s at least.
BUT. Between now and then there is guaranteed to be another crisis with my MIL (currently 81), and surely there will also be at least one crisis with my own parents – who live 3000 miles away.
AND. My much-loved husband has no savings. Okay, he has a little bit from a mandatory pension contribution 20 years ago but it is basically equivalent to one year’s expenses in retirement, and that’s *if* we manage to follow the dream and build our little house up a hill in the Sierra.
Right now we are faced with two not very pleasant scenarios that both have a very high probability. One will require that we move up to San Francisco at short notice. The other would require that we move to a much smaller place here in L.A. and then just wait for the sky to fall in SF whereupon we will have to move there. There are very bad odds for the scenario where we get to live and work here until we are ready to build the house.
PLUS. We don’t have kids. So given the statistical improbability that 6-yrs-older DH will outlive me, I’m going to have numerous years alone at an advanced age. It’s not such a fun prospect. Being alone I can handle but being alone *and safe* at an advanced age requires a lot of planning and networking and resources – which may completely torpedo the building plan; I may have to live somewhere I’d rather not, just so I can be near the people and services I’ll need.
At least we both were grossly self-indulgent in our 30s and part of our 40s, and did a lot of really fun things that most people don’t get to do. I might feel a twinge about the money we blew, but in the end I don’t think that twinge qualifies as “regret.”
Nor should you regret it. You’re right, however, to be aware of financial challenges (e.g., practically no retirement) and to be aware of family issues.
The money *I* have saved for retirement, and the money I’ll be able to save over the next 15-17 years, should be enough for us. It would be nice to have more than enough, but things being how they are, if he hasn’t saved it already he’s not going to be saving it going forward. Because, odds favoring the “take care of MIL” scenario means, once that starts, DH will only be able to work part-time through the rest of his working years. On the plus side, if we do end up in SF taking care of MIL, we’ll be living in her house, which means our expenses will go way down.