Recently I interviewed Melissa J. Ellis, a certified financial planner from Kansas City, for an article about medical debt. One potential tactic I’d asked her about involved holiday and birthday gift-giving. Suppose when relatives and friends ask for gift ideas we were to say, “Help paying my bills”?
Ellis thought this might work for some people. But some people are embarrassed to ask for money outright. It seems gauche or greedy. The CFP suggested framing it this way:
I really appreciate that you want to give me a gift, and here is something that I could really use. It will help relieve my stress and help me feel better than a new sweater ever would.
Is that gauche? Or greedy? Personally, I’m torn.
Part of me thinks it’s not polite to dictate a gift and that it’s particularly squicky to ask for money. But the rest of me thinks some people wouldn’t mind being misdirected. If your parents want to spend $100 on a sweater and some frou-frou bath bombs on your b-day, they might find it more meaningful to send that money toward your co-pay.
After all, they’d be helping their beloved child pay less interest total on the obligation. If other relatives/friends did the same, you could see some real progress on the debt. Besides, how many sweaters does one person need?
Then again, some people fret over not having “something under the tree” for you vs. an invisible budget booster. It might cause them to spend more than they’d planned because they want you to have something to unwrap.
Which, in turn, could cause them to feel even more guilt that they spent $125 on Abby and only $100 on Alison – and run out to buy $25 worth of something-or-other for Alison to be “fair.” If you give a mouse a cookie…
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Another potential Christmas dilemma
Here’s another sticky issue: Not everyone wants to disclose how much they spend on gifts.
Some people do most/all of their shopping after Christmas and other holidays, or at yard sales and thrift stores. Maybe it’s because they’re frugal. Maybe it’s because they’re nearly broke but aren’t ready to give up on giving. #beenthere
Suppose you spent only $2.99 on that hat-and-gloves set, or picked up a hardback best-seller for a buck at the library book sale – only to hear a relative or close friend announce, “What I really need this Christmas is cash so I can pay down my bills.” Suddenly you’re in the position of:
- Having to say, “I can’t afford to do that.”
- Having to measure disrupting your money goals (retirement, building an emergency fund, keeping the youngest child in parochial school) against the embarrassment of otherwise being able to put only $5 or $10 toward your loved one’s bills.
Talk about a lose-lose situation.
Crowdsourcing Christmas?
These days, it’s increasingly common to ask for cash rather than gifts for weddings, graduations, bar or bat mitzvahs, or the birth of a child. You can crowdsource your fertility treatment or a feral cat spay-neuter program.
Old notions like “You can’t dictate a gift” or “It’s the thought that counts” seem to be morphing as fast as Internet startups. (Which you can also crowdsource.) However, we shouldn’t forget the underlying notion of etiquette: Courteous behavior, aka “manners,” exists to keep people from being put on the spot, or having their feelings hurt.
Here’s what I think: You can ask for whatever you want. What you can’t do is act cranky if you don’t get it, because you have no idea what’s going on in other people’s lives.
If Grandma gives everyone hand-written recipe cards, it might not be because she’s out of touch with what people really want. There might be a darned good reason your parents are suggesting a Secret Santa at this year’s family gathering.
So if anyone asks what you want, feel free to float the idea of “cash against my debt.” But make it clear that this is just one option.
And if your divorced mom gives you two or three small ceramic cats for your collection, one of which still has the thrift-store-sticker on it? The decent response is, “This will look great on the shelf with the other kittehs! You know me so well.”
Readers: Have you ever asked for cash for Christmas, or any other occasion?
I have been so blessed in life…I have had the best America has to offer. Education, health, good people–I have had it all. I’ve never been hungry, homeless, or hopeless.
No one has ever asked me for money, but I freely give it if I feel it’s needed. I remember a single mother with two small children who lived in a trailer house. A huge storm came through her town and left a tree smashed in her roof. The landlord decided to junk the home, and that left her homeless. So what do you do? She had no one to turn to; I didn’t know her except through the daughter of a friend. We must be angels unawares. We set her up in an apartment paying the deposit and 6 months rent. She got back on track, found a job, and was able to offer to pay it back. That is the person I want to help, those who help themselves.
I just wonder about people who have cable, drive new cars, live in a houseful of gadgets, and then ask for money. I would say no.
I consider the situation of asking for money vs. a gift, something you do when people know you really well. Could also be someone who asked what you might want. Though, even if I ask I don’t feel obligated to get exactly that. I ask for ideas if I can’t come up with something.
But I always think a gift showing you put some thought into it is better, even if it costs 50 cents. I love to read, so if you find me a book at a yard sale and think I might enjoy it then I’m pleased you know me that well.
I think the gift giver always has the choice of staying in their budget and not revealing the amount if that’s what they wish to do. But if you know someone well enough and that $10 will help their food budget then live the dream. I say as long as you feel good giving the gift that’s the main goal. It should be a joy to give, not stress.
My sister alway asks for cash at Christmas. My dad usually gives both of us cash. My mom resists. She loves having a tree full of beautifully wrapped presents under the tree. I usually get her something small because as a loyal S&T reader I shop sales year round.
Never asked for cash. Guess I got the squickiness from you in that regard. But I had a friend ask for cash or Home Depot/Lowe’s GCs for their wedding rather than have a registry because they had a big home improvement project coming up. So I threw some money their way. At least this way, I know they liked what they got.
I think that an informal registry is a good idea, vs. one that ties you only to a specific store. At least one site, TheKnot.com, has a “cash registry” that’s free to set up. But also putting it out into the universe (or on your wedding home page) that home improvement gift cards are welcome will let some people think, “Oh, thank goodness!” and be happy their gifts are exactly the right match.
Again, the folks who can’t afford much could end up embarrassed. I guess they’re the ones who give homemade gifts or things they purchased at a discount.
Sorry to have passed down money squickiness. But it’s a family tradition!
Never asked for cash, don’t remember getting only cash for Christmas. My boyfriend likes to give me cash for my bday but to me it doesn’t always go to me, it goes to bills. I’m the type to prefer gifts under the tree so I would be like uhh…but I have given cash to people, friends and family who have everything or use that money to go buy gifts for kids which I don’t mind. I don’t have much of a holiday budget so it was only be like $25 to anything under $100.
When we lived in the town formerly known as Barrow, my family asked what we wanted them to send us, since there were not stores there other than one grocery store and a small convenience type store. I asked for cases of toilet paper because it was $6 a four pack then. They resisted at first but I snapped some picture of the prices and soon everyone was onboard. We got many cases of them, not just for Christmas but for both of our birthdays, too. I was so thankful for each and every roll! I wrote them cards saying that I would be thinking of them every time I pooped! We left Barrow eventually and moved back to Fairbanks but asked them to continue the tradition because it was useful, saved us money, was easy on them because they can now order it from Amazon without having to go to the post office themselves.
This. Is. Awesome.
Thanks for sharing.
This reminds me of my dear friend who passed at 94. She made a list for her family of her needs at Christmas that consisted of X# of boxes of tissues and TP and bottles of lotion and soap and laundry needs, etc… She preferred generic, but those who could would splurge sometimes on name brands! It served them all well for years.
This is a physical and experiential gift. She had things she needed, and eventually used them all.
I think it’s rude to ask for money but I will give my formerly broke student kiddo money as a gift.
I skipped a wedding after being solicited for a specific gift. I have used gift registries before because I can stick to my budget without looking cheap.
I think asking for cash puts people on the spot. If someone requested cash for a gift, other than immediate family.
I kind of asked for cash one year. My office team at the time was great and we used to do gifts. I asked if we could all chip in for a bike for a teenager facing difficulties rather than do gifts. The sheriff in the office was working with the kid and none of us needed more stuff. As the years passed it got bigger and last year I saw on Facebook that the community we served plus the office staff raised funds for more than 50 bikes.
Niiice. What a great way to do away with the awkwardness of gift-giving. And what a great holiday that must have been for the recipient.
During the “Great Recession” our extended family decided to send checks for the kids to buy what they wanted. Those kids are now all adults; a check is cheaper/easier to just tuck in a card with a stamp. It’s also very welcome. No one asks for any set amount. Never has. We get our (grown) sons our tradition of pjs, underwear, socks and a book or two, plus something useful they wouldn’t buy themselves vs. the toys of years past. Santa brought emergency roadside kits for their cars last year. If they wanted/needed cash, though, we’d happily give a check. Our BIG tradition is Christmas dinner at sunset on Big Sur. We already have reservations for this year. When we retire and leave the state, those dinners will be precious memories.
I hate cash or gift cards a gift for Christmas. What’s the point of exchanging money? Here’s $100 for you because I am on a better financial place. Oh thanks for the $20 because you don’t make as much. If that’s the plan let’s cut to the chase and just make an accounting spreadsheet so we know who owes and who doesn’t.
I am seriously at the point in life I want nothing. I am tired of the money exchange and unwanted gifts. My greatest gift is getting the family together. I’ve given dance, swim, and karate lessons and gym memberships.
Jenni Glen- We did the same for our grandma. Gift certificate for haircut too. She never had needs because she would just go buy it so buying her anything was a pain.
Once I interviewed a couple for an article on how families live on one (relatively low) income. Their kids got things like skating lessons and dance class at Christmas from relatives who asked what, specifically, the kids needed/wanted.
I love the idea of giving experiences because you don’t have to make room for them in your house. You don’t have to dust them, either.
Thanks for reading Surviving and Thriving.
I’ve always thought that if someone ASKS you what you want for Christmas, it’s fine to say cash (and nice to say what it would go towards, like student loan debt or a honeymoon or a house downpayment etc.) but one should never tell people who don’t ask. One should not presume one is getting gifts at all, and should be pleasantly surprised when one does get them. (Amazon and other wishlists are fine because they’re posted publicly for anyone to see– people can decide to use them or not.)
I like those wish lists, too. You can use them or not — but if you do use them, you know you’re getting something the person really wants.
I think this situation potentially can cause estrangement. I know when my adult children and grandkids could use some cash. We give it to them for an occasion and other times. We are careful, frugal and grateful for being close with our family. I only asked what they wanted for Christmas when they were children. They made up a list and we would get them a couple of gifts from the list. Some years were better than others. I also feel we learn by example. When my grandkids were making up the Christmas list, their parents shared the list with us but waited until we talked about it and made plans for celebrating. All my children are adults now, they learned what they lived. Their kids are now young adults and never ask for cash for any reason.
They get cash from their parents when college stars to help out with what they need tuition, books and so forth. We send cash when school starts for those things also. My grandchildren have never asked us for cash. I have siblings we exchange birthday cards, and talk on the phone all the time, we have never asked for cash from each other. If I hear they are having a difficult time I send a bit of cash just to be thoughtful.
I have extended family, they have never asked for cash to help them pay down their bills. I have been invited to weddings and “cash only” is on the registry. I have strong feelings about this notion of asking what do you want and having the answer be cash.
I never asked my parents for cash, and we were strapped in our early years of marriage and kids. They gave us food, they shared a bit of cash, they bought my kids snow boots or summer clothes. They just knew, I just knew that asking for cash was not the correct thing to do. They always helped us, and all their children in every way with love and common sense.
All these grab bags, and secret santa’s and celebrations are nice sometimes but people’s feelings could get hurt and good friendships could be damaged if we are not careful about asking, rather than waiting to receive a gift.
My adult young married mom granddaughter usually asks for things like detergent or for baby formula when the baby was young. She’s happy with whatever she gets but it’s nice to know you’re getting her something she needs.
Agreed. Getting such essentials is a good boost to the other person’s budget, which I’d prefer to give rather than, say, a gift card for dinner out.
My mother would sometimes let us know that if we were planning to get her Mother’s Day/birthday gifts (same month) that she had her eyes on something specific (like designer glasses frames) and would appreciate a gift towards that — we all lived away and it was a great solution: she got something special she wanted and we could mail it easily (none of us are great at actually getting stuff in the mail). And one year she gave us some ideas that included forever stamps. I lived farthest away and I jumped on that one. I’d pick out cool designs and send her as many as my gift budget allowed. The other grandmothers in the apartment building she lived in were envious: how did we think of that for her? They couldn’t seem to get the idea that you can give family ideas like that if you want to (we share gift ideas in our family — although now we have a category each year and a $5-10 budget)). She loved always having fun stamps ready and I loved that I could put her gift in an envelope.
Stamps are a good gift, despite how much less mailing we all seem to be doing. Having an assortment would be fun: dinosaur stamp for grandkid’s birthday card, a friend’s favorite flower in a letter, etc.
One year I sent my aunt a box of assorted greeting cards and a book of stamps. She liked that gift a lot.
Thanks for reading, and for leaving a comment.