Last year a line leapt out at me from, I believe, an MSN Money article: “Saving is the new sexy.”
I read it out loud to DF. His response: “It’s the old sexy as far as I’m concerned.”
That tickled me so much that I wrote both statements on a piece of scrap paper and taped it to my work station. Sooner or later, I knew, I’d be writing about this.
Finally I am, thanks to a survey from Ally Bank. It found that three out of four people believe it’s important for mates to share a similar financial philosophy. And the most appealing financial habit?
That would be “a strong budgeting and saving strategy.” More than half (55 percent) chose this as the most appealing trait in a potential partner. Only 3 percent were attracted to “those who have a higher credit card limit and like finer things and good times.”
It might be possible to have all those things. Careful money management plus smart use of frugal hacks means you can afford good times/finer things without going into debt to get them. Judicious use of credit followed by prompt repayment could raise your credit limit to surprising heights.
If you’re lucky, you’ll find a partner who’s on the same page financially. Setting and meeting goals can lead to some powerful intimacy, i.e., you’re in this together and working toward a successful future. Of those surveyed by Ally, 45 percent say they manage their money together.
Grasshoppers and ants
Some couples opt for a chief financial officer, i.e., the person who makes sure everything gets planned/paid/saved. Obviously it’s important that the other partner understand how the household’s money management system operates, even if s/he doesn’t sign a single check all year.
If you’re dating someone who’s a total spendthrift and/or deeply in debt, think long and hard before committing to a long-term relationship. Those grasshopper-ish tendencies may seem endearing in the early stages. I’ve got the most stylish girlfriend in town, and isn’t it cute how she claims not to know how much total debt she has? My boyfriend’s too brilliant to work retail; my job will keep us going until he finishes his book/screenplay/second master’s degree.
As time goes on, though, the ants of the world often start feeling a little bit resentful. Or a lot. They’re the ones who do all the heavy lifting so that their partners can do whatever they want. It’s not much fun always to mind the bottom line while your significant other floats obliviously through life.
That’s probably not how you pictured True Love as a teen. It shouldn’t be what you settle for as an adult.
Related reading:
I guess I am the CFO in our house because I pay all the bills, reconcile our accounts with Quicken, and make any deposits/withdrawals/transfers that have to be done. The job kind of fell in my lap because I work from home and it is convenient for me to do these tasks. My husband and I talk every other week (usually) about what has been paid, what has been saved, what is coming due, short term/long term savings goals, etc. One thing we have realized is that I do a lot of online banking and paying of bills that he does not know how to access. So I am in the process of putting together a documents that lists account websites, log-in IDs, and passwords so that in case of an emergency he knows where to go and what to do. In the meantime, that document will be locked up in our fire safe with the rest of our important papers.
Excellent move. People whose partners become ill can find themselves locked out of bill-paying and other tasks. Who needs that kind of additional stress?
I’m the CFO too, Ann, and I recently created the same kind of document. My husband calls it the Doomsday Sheet.
“The Doomsday Sheet” — I like that.
We work it together…sort of! This is the second marriage so we have his/her/our accounts. Our account pays for all the household bills and we equally put money into this account and pay the bills. We have a savings fund that we equally put into also for vacation or a quick fixer up to the house. We both are liable for our own credit card bills and car/truck/rv. We think it works…so far so good for 11 years! I did the CEO with the first marriage and thought we were fine until I woke up and found my then husband was leading 2 lives. He had credit card debt/family owed of $45K and I knew nothing about it because bills went to a PO box. Lucky for me he put a lien on a car that was paid for a new title came to the home address and opened my eyes to the 2nd life! God Is Good 🙂
Yikes! At least you eventually found out.
DF and I have separate accounts. Every month I transfer cash for basic household expenses into his account (we use the same credit union). We take turns buying groceries and other needed items. It works for us.
Being single, I guess that makes me the CEO of my banking system. In my marriage, I begged my now ex to sit down with me weekly and deal with money. He refused, preferring to yell at me over some perceived mistake. After 16 years, I got out. Advice to young people contemplating marriage: try doing this for two or three months before the marriage with your individual accounts. You will learn more in those sessions than in any premarital counseling session.
Good idea. Maybe go to a session with a financial planner and each can see what the other is really about when it comes to money. If it turns out s/he believes in spending every dime without thinking of the future — or if s/he believes in pinching every penny on principle and never allowing for a little fun — then this is something that should be hashed out in advance.
Such an attitude could be a deal-breaker. One guy broke off the engagement when he found out his fiancee’s student loan total — which she characterized as “over $100,000” — turned out to be $170,000.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/04/your-money/04money.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
Read the article and see if you, too, would have run for the hills. Sad to say, I would have: If my fiance were that willfully obtuse about money, what kind of future might I expect?
So do you have any suggestions for an ant who married a grasshopper? We’ve been together for many, many years, and have four wonderful children. For a long time, I let DH handle the finances, and never examined them too closely. But I realize now, our finances are pretty shaky. We are retired, and serious illness (DH’s) has entered the picture. But I’ll be damned if, on my part, I leave this world bitter and regretful. I respect your common-sense advice. Any for me? (Btw, I like LostAnnFound’s methodical approach.)
I like LostAnnFound’s approach, too — check the Related Reading part at the end of this post for something similar, “You know what’s hot? A money date.”
I admire your determination not to be bitter and regretful. Stick to that no matter what. We cannot retrofit the past with smarter behavior. What we can do is learn from those mistakes and take steps to have the best lives we can on such resources as we now possess.
Since you were out of the loop for so long you might need some expert advice. I’d suggest going to the National Foundation for Credit Counseling (http://www.nfcc.org) and finding a reputable person in your area. Since you are retired you might be eligible for free help; all NFCC member organizations have to agree that they will never turn anyone away based on ability to pay.
The counselors are good at looking at the big budget picture and finding ways to shore up sagging finances. I think this should be your first step. If you don’t mesh with the first company NFCC recommends, try again (and let NFCC know why).
I’d also recommend getting money books from the library. If your library doesn’t have them, ask for an inter-library loan. The following two posts list specific titles you could find helpful:
http://donnafreedman.com/2013/12/02/the-gift-of-personal-finance/
http://donnafreedman.com/2014/12/16/life-altering-holiday-gift/
Note to all: The links to the books noted in those two posts are Amazon affiliate links. In other words, if you decide to buy through any of them I will get a tiny commission. A solvent blogger is a happy blogger.
Good luck to you, Sunny, and I’d love to hear later on how things are going. Either leave another comment or e-mail me personally at SurvivingAndThriving (at) live (dot) com.
You and DF sound like two peas in a pod! 🙂
We are, and it’s wonderful. Let’s just say that I was the ant in the previous relationship and it was exhausting and infuriating.
You know how some women get expensive jewelry from their hubs for a wedding present? My DH gave me the $2300 to pay off my Visa card and a lecture about how we’ll eat bread and water for a month before we’ll carry a credit card balance! I can count on two hands (and have fingers left over) the number of times that has happened in our 30 years of marriage. That said, I took over the bill-paying because he worked so much in his own business. Regardless, I still fill him in every week about what got paid, what’s going on with our retirement savings, etc. I don’t know who’s the ant and who’s the grasshopper. Maybe we are a combination of both, which would make up asshoppers??
Or antshoppers.
I just want to note that the survey was given by a bank, so the results had to be a wee bit biased (only savers with a positive outlook on their finances were likely to respond). I suspect most men still look for physical attractiveness first (the biological imperative) and then thank their lucky stars if she doesn’t send them straight to the poorhouse. But, having said that, I’d find financial acumen sexy, though I’d still make sure I didn’t turn control of my money over to anybody. (ooohhhh, maybe I can find a man who’ll pretend to take care of my money for me…..)
The survey was conducted by a professional research organization rather than by the bank. But unfortunately I agree that lots of guys go for looks first.
I’m an “ant” who married an “ant”….But I come from a family of “grasshoppers”. I witnessed “dear brother” yesterday in single digits cutting firewood to heat his home as he is out…”Hard to watch”…I cut my firewood this Summer when it was in the 90’s…which was “hard to do”…. I guess there is a moral here…
You’re lucky to be on the same page financially with DW. As for your brother, well, if he hasn’t learned by now he may never change.
DF and I cut the firewood in the summer, but we rented a splitter for the day. We had a ton of logs from cutdowns in the yards of several acquaintances. He figures we have enough for about four years. Sounds good to me.
After 30 years of marriage, I’m here to say that people change. The once frugal man I married has turned into the exact opposite due to his perceiving that we have enough money. It’s infuriating ;(
We split our money into separate accounts in 08. It helped some of the fighting but now it’s just a constant irritation about how far apart our values around money are. If only I would have had a crystal ball. I know compromise is the answer but only one of believes in it, and it’s not him. Thinking of moving on, even at this point.
They’re 7 years late to the game – we all know budgeting has been sexy since 2008 when *ahem* my blog dropped.
Um, yeah…! Happy seventh, and many more.
My wife and I sit down and discuss money matters and deal with our bills. This way, we are both informed and on top of our finances.