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Maybe you’ve heard yourself using this phrase lately: “I deserve it.” After all, the pandemic has caused so much stress and fear – and, often, financial loss – that many folks are in a constant state of anxiety. Thus we deserve that frou-frou coffee, some new nail polish, a great-looking book or two scoops of our favorite ice cream.
Personal finance writer Emily Guy Birken broke down that phrase in an intriguing way recently. In a post called “How to avoid a pandemic spending frenzy,” she said that the word “deserve” is a big mistake.
“If you deserve something, that means you could be un-deserving of it,” Birken writes.
Additionally, saying you deserve something “means you are placing yourself in a position where what you already have is not enough. This is no recipe for happiness, because there will always be another thing you feel you deserve at some point…Defining purchases and treats as something you deserve is a way to feel resentful, rather than satisfied.”
Birken also talks about why we should ditch the “mental ledger,” whereby we allow ourselves certain things if we have been “good.” (And, presumably, deny ourselves things if we’ve been bad?) Instead of looking at the world in this strict binary, she suggests creating “identity-based habits” – literally deciding the kind of person you want to be, and then becoming that person. It’s an interesting read.
To be clear: I’m all for giving ourselves treats as long as we’ve budgeted for them. For me, the point is also to make these occasional delights. Once you’re on the hedonic treadmill, it can be hard to jump back off – and ultimately, nothing is ever truly special.
Money smarts: Teach your children well
How we handle money – during a pandemic and when times are good – can help determine our children’s financial futures. The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation notes that kids need to see us creating budgets and making informed choices about money.
Of course, it needs to be put into age-appropriate terms they can understand. A few resources:
- The FDIC’s “Money Smart” curriculum (designed for schools, but downloadable by parents as well)
- The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau’s “Money As You Grow” program
- The National Credit Union Association’s financial games, including “World of Cents” and “Hit the Road: A Financial Adventure Game”
- The U.S. Mint’s free games and activities
- “The Mall,” a game from the Federal Trade Commission, which helps kids learn about stuff like marketing, privacy and other consumer topics.
To these I would add two very useful books:
“Make Your Kid a Money Genius (Even If You Aren’t): A Parents’ Guide for Kids 3 to 23” by Beth Kobliner
“Not Your Parents’ Money Book: Making, Saving and Spending Your Own Money” by Jean Chatzky (written for middle-schoolers)
Short takes and giveaways
Savings.com is giving away five $50 e-gift cards to Nordstrom Rack. This is a quick one: The deadline to enter to win is 11:59 p.m. PDT Wednesday, Oct. 7, so don’t delay. Here’s my Nordstrom Rack story: I bought some black slacks there to wear to court during my divorce process.
My latest giveaway is for a box of (mostly) Alaskan stocking stuffers plus a $10 gift card of the winner’s choice. Enter by 6 p.m. PDT Friday, Oct. 9.
The $200 Amazon gift card giveaway from Your Money Geek is still on. You have until Nov. 2 to enter.
Personal finance author Melanie Lockert is hosting another “Mental Health and Wealth Hangout” at 5 p.m. PDT Thursday, Oct. 8. This is a casual, Zoom-based convo that hopes to break the twin taboos of talking about money and mental health issues.
The Social Security trust fund is being depleted, but even if it emptied completely the system can pay 76 percent of promised benefits. (The trust fund offsets any payroll tax shortfalls.) However, in a piece called “Social Security isn’t going broke,” money author Liz Weston warns that taking your Social Security too early means cutting your own benefits by up to 30 percent. Weston, a certified financial planner and very smart human, doubts that the politicians would get away with not fully funding retirees’ benefits. I think she’s right on the money about that: Those folks want to be re-elected, not vilified.
According to Northwestern Mutual’s 2020 Planning & Progress Study, almost six in 10 U.S. adults believe the pandemic and the resulting downturn will have a moderate to high impact on their long-term financial security. However, 83 percent of those surveyed believe they ultimately will be able to build that security.
How about it, readers: What, if anything, are you doing to reduce the impact of the economic downturn and/or build a healthy financial future? Retooling your budget, putting off a planned expenditure, looking for a side hustle, quitting a bad habit, giving yourself an attitude adjustment?
“saying you deserve something ‘means you are placing yourself in a position where what you already have is not enough’.” I struggled with this for years while trying to live within our means and save for retirement. It is a never ending circle of unhappiness. Anytime I bought something I wanted rather than needed, I was overwhelmed with guilt, which made me want to buy something more to make me feel better! Finally I am learning to let this attitude go. I still sometimes want things I don’t actually need, but I allow myself to have something every now and then without the burden of guilt. This way I can actually enjoy what I have gotten instead of trying to justify by saying I deserve it. As a result I’ve noticed my wants become less as time goes by. This column really spoke to me.
The advertising phrase “must have” makes me run the other way. Who says I “must have” the newest shoes, shiniest car or smartest phone? What I must have is money left in the bank at the end of the month. I must have a retirement account because I don’t want to work until I am 80.
Hear, hear.
Love the identity-based habit concept! I grew up on the goal setting mindset, which has been useful. Now a shift to creating habits that support my identity (or what I want “me” to be) seems so straightforward. Always learning something new from you, Donna.
Well, you have Emily Guy Birken to thank for that one. Although I did link to it, so…I’m the kind of person who shares interesting stuff.
Give yourself long enough and you can rationalize anything. But the truth is the only one you shortchange is yourself.
My husband and I support each other’s healthy lifestyle. I could sneak contraband (AKA chocolate chips) into the house and snack when he doesn’t know it. After all I deserve a treat…., but ultimately cheating on my diet cheats me.
What am I doing to reduce the impact of this economic turn down? Probably going back to my side hustles of Grubhub food delivery and Upwork since we are preparing for a two a month furlough and 9.32 pay cut in December 2020 tentatively. I tried to do my best by saving a few bucks here and there but as school went all digital this year I broke my savings bank for new Chromebooks for my kids and tons and tons of groceries. One good thing is now I can get some food stamps to help with the grocery bill so that’s one silver lining out of this pandemic. Even though that might the cuts might be coming in December (hasn’t been finalized) I feel I’m one of the lucky ones who has still continued to work throughout this pandemic and in a small way food delivery services has been up since that’s my boyfriends main source of income. I’ve already kinda of fine tuned my budget with one of my creditors. Just hoping to hold on to my mental health at this point and continue to be healthy.
Also in the beginning of this pandemic back in March I ordered myself air pods. I had been wanting them for a long time. I had the money for them so I bit the bullet while in the house and ordered them as well as some clothes. No regrets!! Self care has become super important in 2020
I resist the I-deserve-it mentality by focusing on what I already have.
1. a lovely home in which I have filled not only with things I like but also with people I love
2. thanking God for what I do have by writing down in my gratitude journal the 3 things I saw or did that day by keeping a gratitude journal. I refer to it often.
3. love nature by taking long walks through my small town admiring flowers, trees, etc.
4. the important thing…Do not ever use shopping as a replacement for joy. Ever. Do not go on websites that sell stuff; they are designed to take the money from your pocket into theirs.
Happiness comes from outside forces; joy comes from within. Cultivate that joy and you’ll be a lot better off.
I was in all-out survival mode for a while, and now I have eased up. Things still may go sideways with the economy, but I have planned for the worst and now I’m hoping for the best. I felt like doom was upon us for a while. It was affecting me, so I’m trying to focus on the future a little more now. We did try to get some repairs done on the house to avoid surprise expenses in the future.
It’s always better to prevent a problem than to try to fix it after it’s happened. And yes, it’s easier to focus on the doom and gloom — in fact, this is sort of my superpower at times — but eventually you have to remind yourself that you’ve made the best preparations you can and will be able to roll with whatever happens.
Thanks for reading, and for leaving a comment.
In a twisted way, I spent a lot of years thinking ” I deserve it” whenever something bad happened to me! I finally let go of that negativity. Discussing money was never done in my family. I had to figure it out on my own as an adult. I made some whooping messes, but I eventually got it, in no small part from reading books and blogs including yours at msnmoney. Thanks!
I appreciate your kind words! And far too many people know zero about money because it’s just never taught or modeled to them. When I think of the opportunity cost of all those years….Well, I try not to think about it too much.
And ditto with the “I must deserve this bad whatever-it-is.” Witness my 24-year marriage.
Thanks for being such a consistent reader and commenter.
Our side hustle is doing mystery shops and the money is reserved for our treat category. So, if I want more treats, I have to do more mystery shops (which, just by themselves give me freebies like gas and oil changes, never mind what I make for doing them).
I used to do those, down in Seattle. My daughter did a lot more than I did, until she moved to Phoenix. Among other things, she got lots of meals, nights in hotels, oil changes for my car and even a chance to gamble on someone else’s dime.