The ongoing COVID lockdown and its associated nationwide healthcare and financial woes have left me feeling both detached and hyper-focused.
I don’t care much about anything, yet I worry nonstop about another massive recession (or, dare I say, a depression).
On the topic of depression: I remain very concerned about what the prolonged COVID isolation is doing to my daughter’s mental health.
(This is not meant to infantilize her. Quite the contrary: I’m in awe of her strength. But it’s a mom thing. We worry.)
To make matters much, much worse, I recently learned that my dad has cancer. He is optimistic – and he’s also 84, and aware that he’s had a pretty damn good run – but I struggled with the news.
Taken together, the result has been me wanting to bury myself in reading whenever I’m not working. It’s a handy way to numb my reactions to Just About Everything.
This was once an unhealthy coping mechanism, because the numbing was nonstop. Suspended animation was my go-to response to anguish, and I spent decades in emotional exile. If I buried myself in a book, or took on freelance assignments in addition to my day job, I’d be far too busy to take honest stock of my life and what was really going on.
These days, the numbing is not prolonged. It’s more of a pause than a freeze.
Specifically, it’s me working my way through the bad stuff by allowing myself to acknowledge it. I’ve found that it’s easier just to admit you’re scared than to fight being scared. Yes, my dad is sick; yes, the country’s economy is in a horrible place; yes, I am concerned about my daughter. It all stinks. Now: What are you going to do about it?
On Friday I stopped in the middle of an editing gig to write down the following phrase: “Reminding myself of the good.” Then I went back to editing, knowing that emotional work was likely going on under the surface.
It was.
When I sat down to write this, the following reminders poured out. None of them will change the world. But they can help me change my life – which in turn strengthens me to do what I can to help repair the world.
Dad’s cancer is treatable
Not gonna say what kind it is, because that’s not my story to tell. What I will say is that Dad doesn’t have pancreatic cancer, which tends to kill quickly and horribly. In fact, he recently had a scan that showed it hasn’t metastasized and thus will be easier to fight.
Best of all: He lives near a big city where he can get excellent care.
My daughter is amazing
She’s gone through so much (near-fatal illness and subsequent disability, multiple miscarriages, bad marriage and worse divorce) that it sometimes wonders me that she’s still standing.
But she is. Abby is determined to live her best life despite all that, and despite 2020 being the worst.
And if the pandemic lingers and she could use a little company? I have a very flexible job and could go back down for a visit if need be.
My partner: also amazing
I am grateful for every hour spent with the love of my life. DF seems to think he can never do quite enough for me. When I’m down, he’s there to hold my hand or ask if I need to vent. When things are going well for me, his is the loudest cheer in the room. An optimist but never a Pollyanna, he’s able to acknowledge even the faintest of rainbows on a dark day without being annoying about it.
Bonus: He’s been baking a delicious rustic bread four or five times a week. (That’s it in the illustration above.)
My BFF: yet another gift
My pal Linda B. really gets me. We enjoy the same things (books, movies, gardens, wordplay, genre TV, chocolate) and just like being in the same room together. Never thought that someone as cool as her would want to hang out with me.
I hit the jackpot with this friendship.
My niece and her kids live nearby
They share their pets and their back deck, and host Netflix/Hulu screenings of stuff like “The Walking Dead” and “Killing Eve.” With the weather so nice lately, I’ve enjoyed treating them to burgers, curly fries and ice cream, courtesy of the stimulus check. (I spent $300 of it on Tastee-Freez gift cards.)
We rely on their youth and strength for help with projects like splitting and stacking wood or, more recently, moving literal tons of gravel (two dump trucks’ worth) with wheelbarrows, rakes and shovels to fill in a low area of the yard. The former Mosquito Enhancement Project is now a place to put more raised beds.
Still can’t believe her kids are teenagers now. In fact, one of them is a legal adult. Where does the time go?
The garden and greenhouse
The Alaska summer is fleeting, so every glimpse out the window at lilacs, snapdragons, berries, apple trees, red Romaine lettuce, potatoes, spinach and other garden plants makes me feel so rich. The greenhouse is an annual miracle, too. Although the structure is unheated, copious summer sun warms it beautifully and allows heirloom tomatoes, peppers and cucumbers to flourish.
Walking around in this beauty (which we do at least twice a day) is just another way that the garden and greenhouse nourish nourish us. The other way, obviously, is in the eating. Today we had a huge plate of Cherokee Purple tomatoes; the last time I went to an Anchorage farmers market, those fruits cost $9.95 a pound. I don’t even want to pay that much for meat.
Having a job
Specifically, having a job I can do from anywhere and at my own pace. If I need to take some time off, I can do it. I’m acutely aware that millions of people are without work and behind on their bills.
Some freelancers are experiencing work slowdowns. None of my clients have gone away, which makes me feel extremely fortunate. And since my expenses are so low, I’ve been able to give some money to a few people I know who needed it, and also to contribute more than usual to a few pet causes, including Feeding America, the Alaska Food Bank and the American Red Cross.
The bottom line
When I was a kid in church, we sometimes sang a hymn called “Count Your Blessings.” Lately I’ve been humming two lines from the refrain:
Count your blessings,
Name them one by one.
Not looking to be a Pollyanna, either. Instead, these two lines are to remind myself of what I do have. To remind myself that all is not lost. To remind myself of the good.
Okay, readers, it’s your turn: What’s been keeping you on an even(ish) keel during all this turmoil?
Related reading:
I am at home from work during this pandemic. This time has allowed me to spend a lot of time with my adult son. Luckily we get along and I will cherish the memories for years to come. Thankfully I have a decent emergency fund that has been a life saver. My garden has been my happy place. I’ve grown huge sunflowers and Roses, even some herbs and veggies despite the slugs and African snails. I’m battling the Covid 15 but that’s ok, I like to exercise. Also books and movies have become my main sources of entertainment. For a bad year it’s been pretty good.
I liked this post. I too have been working at counting my blessings. At first I didn’t get to see my son and grandchildren, they were afraid I would get sick, vice versa. But now I am going to be their learning coach. I am looking forward to spending more time with them. I miss museums, art festivals and music events. But I have learned to appreciate our home. I’m glad we have a garden. I am glad my other son and husband are with me. I am glad to be healthy.
I am thankful our family is healthy most of all. Thankful to come out of full time parenting and asked to work part time from home in March. Thankful for living below our means so all the house expense hasn’t been a big deal. Thankful for small town life and parks to ourselves. Thankful for a life in faith and knowing people have been through much worse.
I am in no danger of going hungry or being without some place to live. I have books, car, tv–all things some have lost. We manage to get out for rides to wooded areas for a dose of lake and ducks viewed from the car since it is difficult to walk on rough ground. My children are secure, also. We watch with delight farm animals we often see. My garden got too hot, but I did get a few good meals from it, mainly salad greens and kale before they bolted. Life is still good and I am not going to chafe at the restrictions!
You hit the nail on the head, Donna. There has been an incredible amount of misery & I too have experienced more than my fair share of events to be sad & mad about.
You are correct that no matter how many losses & frustrations that come our way, there is always much to appreciate. It may take a change of focus to recognize the beauty. As I write this, a cool & cloudy morning just changed with the beautiful sunrise lighting up the green leaves & red berries on the trees outside my front window, as I hear the crows announcing that fall is slowly approaching.
Thank you Donna, for your message of hope today.
I’m in a stable financial situation and continue to receive my full paycheck. Working from home has allowed me to get out of a toxic work environment and I can spend a lot less mental energy fighting work battles that I’m not going to win. This has greatly reduced my stress level.
Every day of 2020, I’ve been journaling three things a day I’m grateful for. It became really essential for me to focus on the positives during the pandemic. Here are a few:
-We’re financially stable & healthy
-Our friends & loved ones are healthy
-Spending additional time with my husband is fun & enjoyable, & reminds me we will do well together in retirement
-I use an asynchronous video chat to stay in touch with my friends & family. (Marco Polo). It has saved us during this time where we can’t see each other. LOVE It.
-Our garden has put out lots of glorious tomatoes. And jalapenos.
1. I semi-retired on 3/1/20 (who knew all this would happen). Lost my 2 hour and 20 minute round trip commute. I am still working at 30-50% capacity, but very happy to do so 100% from home.
2. I have had the aforementioned long commute plus long work hours (not 9 to 5) for many years, and have never had time to watch much TV. My pandemic guilty pleasure: watching all 72 episodes of This Is Us. I have also been watching Samantha Brown’s Places TO Love and Zac Efron’s Down to Earth in an attempt to keep my wanderlust at bay (4 trips cancelled this year).
3. I ran to the library in mid-March a day before it shut down and took out 14 movies-we’ve gotten through the first set and are now working through another set of 9 after our library opened for curbside pickup. We’ve also seen a few on demand. Fot the first time in years, I can say that I saw all the best picture Oscar nominees!
4. I have been reading a ton. I joined Paperback Swap years ago and have my wish list set to automatic send-lots of books coming my way. I also have been working my way through the books in my groaning bookcase and on/in my groaning nightstand. I used our library’s Libby and Hoopla apps to get other books-including a number of eye-opening ones about racism that were quite thought provoking. Your comment about getting lost in books really struck a cord with me. I do that with books and blog reading. Before I know it, hours have gone by. I have started to be more intentional about my reading time and have been scheduling small projects around the house when work does not intervene. I have discovered that I need some structure in my day.
5. Our South Jersey garden has been producing with reckless abandon. So.many.tomatoes. So.many.lemon.cucumbers. I have been using our produce to make lots of homemade meals. I have lost 10 pounds in the process by upping my veggie intake and cutting back on my nightly date with Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream. DH has made 12 quarts of his delicious tomato sauce, and I am up to pesto packet #10. Multiple loaves of white chocolate squash bread and lemon blueberry bread are currently chilling in the freezer for our winter enjoyment.
6. Lots of time at home with DH and son-and we have been getting along well. We have had 3 socially distanced deckside meals with frieds very recently, and it has been nice to break bread with others (albeit takeout).
7. I have been enjoying Zoom calls with my 2 book club groups as well as other Zoom calls, some of which have been with friends and family that I have not gotten to see in a while. We also got to the Outer Banks of North Carolina for a socially distanced July 4th weekend with my sister and BIL, niece, daughter and their respective boyfriends. Just a different place to shelter in place (with the beach thrown in), but it was so good to see everyone. Grateful to my sister and BIL for not renting out their beach house for several weeks and inviting us there.
8. After being a slug for most of my working career, I signed up for a 90 day trial of the Peleton app. I have been doing indoor cycling on my 20 year old stationary bike, and have also used the app for meditation and arm toning weight classes.
9. I also have been working through weekly visits to the 10-12 lovely county parks in my area. I never knew that most of them existed before the pandemic. All unique and pretty in their own way (Donna-some of them run along the Rancocas Creek and the Delaware River, which you may remember from your years here).
10. I think that I have gone through every shelf and drawer of my house in an effort to do a little decluttering. The kitchen project was akin to an archeological dig. I found a nmber of things that I forgot that we own-including a juicer attachmen to the food processor that is now in heavy duty use for making fresh lemonade and limeade. Bonus: I kind of know where everything is now. DH has been scanning old VHS family videos and slides onto our desktop, which has added to the decluttering.
11. Most importantly, my family and friends are all healthy. Have had 3 friends who caught the virus, but thankfully none were hospitalized and all have it behind them now.
Thanks for suggesting this list Donna-makes me realize how lucky I am even in the midst of all that is going on.
I have also been trying to focus on one good thing each day during all of this, and literally just made a homemade card this morning for my BFF listing things we have done together during the pandemic that I was thankful for!
I am working from home (since late March), which is saving me money.
I was able to pay my car off last month.
I have paid it forward with donations to my local church’s “blessings box” (the youth decorated discarded newspaper vending boxes into a donation bin for non perishable foods! It stands right next to the “Little Free Library, where I drop and take books and puzzles!)
My BFF and her Husband (my “quaranTEAM”) and I do social distance (seperate couches 🙂 dinner and a movie every Sunday evening, we are working our way through the list of “Top 100 movies of all time”! Some weeks we support a local restaurant with takeout, others we do potluck style.
Made a list of all local County and State parks within 2 hours of my home, and have been visiting various ones I’ve never been to. Thrifty AND social distance activity – pack lunch and only have to pay to park!
I got for a walk at least a few times a week at a county park about a mile away, and take time to count all the deer and baby alligators 🙂
This year has been a trying time for all. My husband & I were just talking about how we feel very blessed to be able to just maintain during this time. We are able to see our daughter (son-in-law & grandson) weekly…blessing. We have not seen our son (and girlfriend) in 10 months because he lives in Florida. I find myself saying “This too Shall Pass” and it keeps me focused. I am hoping that we will be able to visit soon but New York & Florida aren’t running in the same pattern for this virus!
I am sorry to hear of your father’s sickness. Prayers that his fight will be short & a big win!
This post was just another reminder that we are all in this together!
Pro, I’m finally back in US after 3 years in Korea. Con, working 1 1/2 away from home and Hubble. Pro, relocation funds allows me to stay in hotel while finding an apartment to rent. Con, not a lot of available apartments at the moment. Pro, there’s a vanpool. So though it’s not following my timeline, I have options and an awesome work group, so I’m optimistic.
Thank you Donna for this well thought out and well written blog post. I am so sorry to hear of your Dad’s illness…I had an adventure in “the marvels of modern medicine” last year…and like you I am grateful for many things…But most gratefull for the folks at Johns Hopkins….I owe them much….I am meeting for a follow up with my Doc in September…it will be good to see him. If I can help in any way please let me know. You made me chuckle …$300 in Tastee Freez gift cards! Who does that? Donna Freedman of course! Be Well…
I bought them to support the local economy! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
But seriously: The guy who owns the Tastee-Freez does a lot for the community, including donating to school auctions, allowing teachers to “take over” the cash register to raise money for schools and serving as a drop-off for holiday turkey donations. He gives a lot of kids their first jobs (you can work starting at age 14 here). And he goes to church with DF.
So yeah, I felt good spending $300 of the stimulus check on Tastee-Freez cards. Spent the rest of it on gift cards to other local restaurants.
Hope the news is good in September. Thanks for being such a consistent reader (since MSN Money days!) and commenter.
Get where you are coming from with the “Tastee Freeze Dude”….In our neck of the woods it’s the guy that owns Ritas…whose gelaties are pricey but worth every penny. He supports the locals schools and activities and is just an awesome guy. Sadly he sold the place…it’s nice…but not the same. And claims I’m partially to blame…LOL…When I came down sick…he re-examined his life and made the decision to sell…
Thanks for a timely and well written post. I am wishing you the best for your Dad and his health concern.
I’m grateful for a lot. I’ve been retired for almost a year and pretty happy with my freedom from work.
I am grateful for my beautiful free and clear home on a river bank.
I’m grateful my husband can go fishing whenever he wants, and put some fish on my dinner plate with some regularity.
I’m grateful for my husband’s continued good health. He has been cancer-free for 9 years.
I’m grateful my son and daughter-in-law were both able to keep their jobs, living together (their jobs are in different states), and getting ahead on their bills.
I’m grateful my SIL is moving nearby soon.
I’m grateful for our investment property closing soon.
So many blessings!
This is a helpful exercise. Thanks for suggesting it.
Glad to hear your husband still has his clean bill of health — and that now the two of you can spend that time together.
I’m sorry you have so many worries right now. If it helps at all, you are not alone in that. I have also been trying to be grateful for my blessings, and posting something to that effect on Facebook every few days. There is so much negativity on social media, I try to only post positive things.
You write such good stuff. And I really needed something uplifting at this time. Thanks.
Thank you.
Love and support of family and friends. Finally, two days of cooler temps., instead of 95 + each and every day. Garden is producing a little bit after freezes and heat. The son of a friend finally has a full-time job with bennies. All of my sibling s are safe and well. Everyone in my circle who has been tested for Covid has tested negative. Too much food in the house. Car is running and passed inspection and I still have money in the online repair fund. Still have the prescription plan the retirement agency is trying to take away, so prescription costs for two adults are still under $4000 for the year instead of $24,000. Library is back open with limited hours and services. We did use the stimulus money, but would have been OK without it; breathing space. Storms all missed us and power stayed on. Found a source for Brazil nuts at a reasonable cost. Back into a regular exercise routine, even if in most classes I am one of only two people wearing a mask. Appliances are all still working. Still have good neighbors. Wonderful daughter and son in law, even if we cannot visit at present due to Covid and stupid Governor/leadership (lack of). Prayer is back in my life on a regular basis. Still glad I took the early retirement. Refinanced the Navient Parent Plus Loan into a personal loan with a higher interest rate, but a whole lot less aggravation and a faster payment rate. Seeing this list makes me feel a whole lot better!!!
It made me feel better, too.
Between a whole lot of bad it’s been an effort to spend a few minutes each day trying to remember gratitude or at least feel it in my soul.
We are both still employed. We are all home and not down with the dread virus. We have enough for ourselves and to give to help those who are unemployed. We have been together almost half a year without seeing other people in person or closeish proximity and we’re not at each other’s throats. Our kiddo is still thriving despite the lack of peers, and staying engaged with education and family.
I truly hope the wildfires abate soon, we could use one less natural disaster right now.
Thankful that all my children are employed and healthy, grandchildren doing well although it’s a little frightening with schools beginning to open up, plenty of food, comfortable home, plenty to read and watch, socially distanced backyard meals with family, even a trip to an isolated beach with family, a fairly decent garden though it’s about done now, online church and Bible studies.
I have been catching up on my quilting. The last three high school graduation quilts are in some phase of production and I’m making lots of masks. DH is working from home, probably until he retires in a couple of years. DS just got engaged. DD just graduated high school (one of the quilts is hers) and goes off to college next week (eep!). I had my last heart surgery in early February and for a change, it went smoothly. My 87-year-old mother can hear better now that the doctor removed a bunch of ear wax (it’s a thing, apparently). Good luck to your father; I’m glad it hasn’t metastasized.
Hi Donna,
Sorry to hear about your Dad. It’s so stressful. Good news is …not metastasized. Philly has the best hospitals and latest procedures. They will fix him up right. You referenced Pancreatic cancer, my Mom had it for 2 months before she passed.
It’s a beautiful day here. We are all working from home and getting along. I love not having the long commute. We are all healthy. I love online church.
Listening to the sermon with my coffee and in my pajamas is almost sinful. All is well.
Donna, I hope your dad’s optimism is rewarded with some more good years. (((hugs)))
We are thankful that everyone in our household is employed. It took me ten months to find a job and get back to work, and although I got a lot done around the house and used every frugal trick in the book, it is very nice to have a paycheck again.
We’re also extremely thankful that my husband’s case of Covid-19 was mild and he has mostly recovered. He’s 62 and has a bad heart. That all he has is lingering fatigue relieved by a mid-day nap is a blessing. That everyone else in the house stayed well is a double blessing.
Also very thankful for the home warranty we bought at our real estate agent’s urging in 2012 and kept in force because it’s a good one and paid for itself many times over this spring and summer when the washer, dryer, air conditioning, refrigerator and garage door opener all needed repairs. A $75 repair co-pay versus paying out of pocket for a new washer is an easy decision to make.
So sorry to hear that your husband got the virus, and I hope that the fatigue clears up. Naps = good.
Sounds like you made the best choice for that warranty, too. Four things going wrong in a short period can REALLY put a hurt on the budget. That happened to my sister one year; she called it “the Revolt of the Appliances.”
Thanks for your good wishes, and for leaving a comment.
I’m wishing your Dad the very best of health. It’s never an easy thing for a girl to know her father’s well being is threatened. Something about that father/daughter thing…such a strong bond in many families, mine included. Although you and Abby are far apart geographically, you and her are together in heart. I see from this blog how quickly you go to her when she needs you. You are so fortunate to have each other.
The many, many positives in my life are overflowing the proverbial river banks, even in the time of pandemic. No, my name is not Pollyanna either!
Some of my positives: I have a wonderful, kindhearted husband. I didn’t get this right the first time around. It’s a marvelous thing to be quarantined with someone I want to be around 24 hours a day. Our kids and grandkids have all maintained good health and no one has yet come down with Covid, although one is a frontline nurse and one has a weakened immune system from chemotherapy in the past. Our library recently reopened with strict Covid standards…I’m on Cloud 9! We have food and a house to live in comfortably. We have friends we care about and vice versa. I have come to know your writing and appreciate the frugal info plus it is always interesting and enjoyable to read. Thanks Donna and everyone!
Donna,
So sorry about your Dad’s diagnosis, but I have a sneaky suspicion that you got your “get it done however you can” trait from him, so I hope that proves useful in this circumstance.
And thank you for acknowledging that there’s always something positive to be thankful for – it’s jua matter of changing one’s perspective. It doesn’t mean everything is hunky dory, of course, but a dose of gratefulness helps one through the hard times. I have a friend that is constantly negative and it’s so draining. I feel bad she chooses to focus her energy on complaining constantly.
The sad thing is that she’d likely feel better — and live better — if she wasn’t suffused with negativity. Sigh.
Well no one can say that they expected this year! My struggle is my parents really should be in a nursing home, but my dad said “I might never see you again.” So we do what we can do to keep them safe and comfortable.
My husband is my rock.
I also have a 12 pound stress reliever who also has nine lives.
That is a tough one. DF checks in on his mom by phone or in person at least once a day. She’s 92 and living on her own. Yes, I worry, but yes, it’s her call.
Thanks for sticking with me since the MSN Money days.
Hey, Donna. I am late writing but your blog resonates with me. I am so worried about my son who was doing great as second in charge in a fine restaurant then Covid-19 hit and it was closed. Then the riots hit in Minneapolis and his business burned and left him heartbroken. I am worried because he does have some mental health issues and I cannot fix it. Like your daughter, he is beautiful, smart and kind and a hard worker. I feel so helpless and he has been distraught. I live in Minneapolis and I lived through the 1968 discord as a student at the University of Michigan; the times in Minneapolis right now are much worse with racial issues and a virus wreaking havoc and so many people hurt in many ways.
Last year I grew a Cherokee Purple tomato plant and loved the tomatoes. This year I planted two hybrids and I am not so happy about the results but the neighbors love them as I give them away. But, somehow, I got two Cherokee Purple tomato plants survivors/volunteers growing this year. I am harvesting Cherokee Purple tomatoes that weigh close to a pound each. Yippee. I did not even plant them but they are plentiful and life is so good but filled with pain.
“Life is so good but filled with pain” — that about sums it up.
I’m so sorry for your son — and yes, I think you and I have an inkling about what the other is feeling.
Thanks for reading, and for sharing your story.
Sarah:
Sometimes seeds are planted and they take a while to germinate. You gave your son wisdom and love. Covid will run its course. Businesses come and go. I hope he blooms like your Cherokee tomato!
BTW. I love volunteers. My mother in law planted Cleome a decade ago. I forgot about them. I reworked the flower bed and was surprised with more than a dozen three foot tall spikes.
Thank you. Your words mean a lot to me. I am so glad your volunteers and mine are doing so well. A reminder that life does generate in great ways