I wasn’t really feeling Christmas this year due to my dad’s death. But I found some workarounds.
A couple of weeks beforehand I tried to jump-start old memories by visiting the city’s largest nursery and walking among the Christmas trees that were all lined up and waiting for new homes.
That evergreen smell usually does it for me, and I did start feeling a bit Kris Kringle-y. This time, however, the fragrance of the season was at war with the fact that for decades my dad raised Christmas trees as a side hustle.
That made me feel a bit weepy, but I fought to counter this with good memories of those trees: helping plant them for a couple of years as a teenager, and doing tree-related chores with him during visits as an adult.
That helped, which is something I should remember when I feel like raging against the COVID that took him away. One of the platitudes people like to bring up when you’re grieving is, “Think of all the good times you had together!” Turns out that this is true and in fact entirely rational, but it doesn’t always help when you’re in the thick of dammit-this-isn’t-FAIR.
This time, it did, and I am grateful.
Bonus: My teen-aged great-niece* accompanied me. We enjoyed looking at the trees, inhaling the fragrance, and clutching imaginary pearls when we looked at price tags. Live trees** are a mania with some Alaskans and they’re willing to pay big bucks for evergreens that have been transported up from the Lower 48.
We also got a great kick out of the nursery’s gift shop, rife as it was with displays of fancy textiles, soaps, lotions, glassware, chocolates and Department 56 holiday village collectibles. The trip was a balm for our gray-winter-day eyes. That close to solstice, we would take any color we could get.
We also noticed that Department 56 now makes Halloween village collectibles, including a subset of Harry Potter stuff. I suppose it was only a matter of time.
I dragged my feet about putting up my own tree, waiting until only a few days before Christmas to finally get the ball rolling. Once started it was a fast chore since the tree is a tabletop model with relatively few ornaments. It’s so small that it uses maybe one-tenth of a string of lights; the rest are balled up and resting on the floor behind the tree.
This isn’t a great photo, but it’ll have to do:
Sorry it’s so dark. But the ones I took with the lights on clearly showed my shadow, which takes away from the effect.
Most of my tree’s ornaments are really small. That big round one in the middle was a gift from my niece, a fan of the TV special “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” And it sums up the past year perfectly:
Pop-Pop’s last gift
I will say that I had fun giving gifts to my best pal Linda B. Along with the usual Amazon gift cards (which this year came from the MyPoints and Swagbucks rewards programs, I tried something new: Making her a member of the Dog Fan Club through Alaska long-distance musher Aliy Zirkle’s kennel. It was so much fun to look through her gallery of pups that I may do this as a giveaway in honor of the Iditarod, which will be using a modified race route this year.
I also enjoyed wrapping gifts for my niece and her two kids. Not wrapping-wrapping, since I am definitely at the “put it in a gift bag and put tissue paper on top” stage of life. Then I get the bags and paper back from them and the whole thing begins again next year. #GreatCycleOfGifting Some of the gifts were purchased deeply discounted during the year, some came from my Buy Nothing Facebook group and some were simply gift cards from those reward programs.
(I know some people don’t like gift cards, but I’m not going to try to guess what a teenager wants. Would much rather give them the wherewithal to pick out exactly what suits their fancies.)
This year, in honor of my dad, I also contributed a decent sum of cash toward a big-ticket item for each kiddo. Asked my niece to leave my name out of it, tagging the presents instead as being from her and “Pop-Pop’s last gift.” The items – a new game system*** and a new phone to replace a dilapidated $40 one – were not expected by the teens, and they were pretty much speechless.
It’s always fun to watch people be surprised on Christmas. The holiday won’t be as lavish next year. But since they’re happy even with gifts like socks and underwear, they’ll be fine.
As for my daughter, she’s always easy to buy for and was especially so this year because she’d fallen in love with The Child from that TV show “The Mandalorian.” While I hadn’t seen the show, I had seen the character – the little bugger was everywhere – so into the box it went, along with yet another of those rewards gift cards and a sum of cash (well, a PayPal promise) to be used as she saw fit. It’s likely to go to her 2021 Roth IRA.
Christmas at home
It was a quiet holiday, as always. DF and I give gifts only if there’s a stirring tale of thrift involved. And sometimes not even then: There have been years when we exchanged nothing. It’s not a contest for us.
We did enjoy sitting and looking at the little tree, with all the lights off except for the Advent wreath, and a fire burning in the fireplace insert behind us. He didn’t stump for me to Be Happy because he knows I’m grieving right now.
As Christmases go, it could have been better. But it could also have been a lot worse.
I know that it will eventually get easier. The reason it will is that I’m not pushing myself to Be Happy. Grief is obstinate. It can’t be hurried. However, it can be postponed, which is what I did with my mom’s death. I pushed it all down and ignored it, pretending that I was fine when I wasn’t.
Grief is also a complex thing. Mom’s death – and her life – are still shaking down for me. I expect that Dad’s will, too. This time around, I’m not going to rush things. Instead I will learn what I can from the sorrow, which I hope will make me a kinder and more understanding person.
And I’ll take my moments of joy where I find them – at Christmas, or otherwise.
Readers: How was your holiday?
*She was once my teen-aged great-nephew, but has come out as transgender.
**Of course, they’d been cut down and were standing in trays of water. “Dead Christmas trees” would be a much harder sell, though.
***The system wasn’t actually wrapped. It was a picture of that PlayStation 5 that few could lay hands on this year. But as soon as it’s available, he’ll get it.
I, too, have a little tabletop tree and I love that here in New England it is dark outside by 4 pm and I can turn it on to light up my life and my apartment. I did miss having Christmas with My Guy who due to Covid, stayed home in the country of my heart. However, I felt blessed to spend one precious hour with my Other Guy (Prince Charming), grandson, age 2.5. He knocked on my door and when I opened it, there he was in his khaki pants, designer boots, and fashionista sweater. So grown up! He brought his parents along for the ride. They only stayed an hour because his Mom, my DIL, though she has tested negative, is constantly exposed to students and other teachers who have tested positive. We were all masked up and had a fine time sharing gifts. My son asked for a prayer book, a Bible, and a hymnal and I got him what he asked for. This man, a former failure to launch, boomerang child is finally grown up! All he asked for LAST year was to go to midnight Mass with me, but this year no churches here are open, so this is what he wanted. I must have done something right along the way! Prince Charming (formerly known as Baby Lucas) asked for what he has always asked for since he said his first word (books). He got what he asked for, of course. In some kind of oblique way, Donna, you and I shared in our gift giving to our family members. How? Well,years ago (2013 to be exact) you directed me to swag bucks (noting that you would get 10% of my earnings for life) and I have used the $ earned to buy many things, including those books from Amazon. And I am guessing that some of the gifts cards you gave came from those same swag bucks, too. So thank you from the bottom of my heart for telling me about swag bucks and I do use it a lot. It is great for boosting the budget and spending power. Bendiciones, Feliz Navidad y Un Propero Ano Nuevo.
Love this one!
You said it all, thank you!!!
And, now we go into the New Year.
We had a quiet but meaningful Christmas this year.
We got the tree up early, determined to set the holiday mood. MrH and I didn’t exchange gifts, but we did exchange with our sons. I got exactly what I’d been hoping for: a pair of storage bins for my craft stuff and a set of dishtowels, which I sorely needed. Lovely!
Our church had a drive-through goodie bag distribution, with everyone properly masked, of course. Each bag came with a candle and holder to be used during our Christmas Eve service, which was held over Zoom. On Christmas Day, we braved the outside world to have dinner with a trio of close family friends.
It seems to have been a low-key Christmas for a lot of people, but several I’ve talked to have said that in a way, it’s nice to be free of some of the running around and stress that usually accompany the season. It’s too early to tell what long-term effects of the Covid epidemic will linger after it’s safe to go out again, but I suspect this one may stick for a lot of people.
Sorry things are so hard and dampened your Christmas cheer, but it sounds like you rallied pretty well.
PS Baby Yoda is on my side table by the chair I work in.
I cooked the meal the day/night before so that I could just reheat on Christmas Day. Also cooked fewer items since it would just be the two of us, and the fridge and freezers were already full. We spent a good portion of the day watching parts of Harry Potter movies and avoiding the news. Gave the neighbors a box with rice krispie cakes, candy canes for each kid, and some fudge. The next day called or texted all my sisters and in-laws. The Polish Family Food Fest and combined birthday party for nephew on 1/1 will not be held this year, but as long as everyone is safe and well, I am OK with that. Will be missing another friend that Covid – 19 killed. The most/minimal shopping done this year was cards (we already had most of the stamps) and gift cards for family and friends, some gifts for a child, and some items for the food bank.
This was a subdued Christmas as my family is grieving the death of my 16 year old granddaughter who we list in a tragic car accident last February. There were fewer gifts, decorations and cheery Christmas cards, but we all got through it one way or another. Maybe it was proper to temper this season with contemplation and tears, after all, it’s been a helluva year across the globe. Despite the struggles and losses, hope remains. Best wishes to all for healing and peace in 2021.
What an awful loss for your family. I am so sorry.
Mary, I am so very sorry for the loss of your granddaughter. No, this is not a year for celebration for you and your family. Hugs sent to you. Christine
When my parents died (4 years apart) I remember many sympathy card that read “Cherish the memories” and such. While that is true, it takes awhile for that to actually happen while in the midst of grief. I now find myself saying to loved ones left behind: “Give yourself time. It will get easier even though it doesn’t seem that way.” Hope it has helped some.
The other thing I wanted to mention to you was I found that even though my father died four years before my mother, when she died it awakened all the grief I had had for him after his passing. So I was grieving for two people instead of one. And this for two people who had been divorced 45 years before that. In my mind I had lumped them together. Just wanted to let you know if this happens to you you’re not alone in feeling this.
Glad you had somewhat of a Merry Christmas. I love the idea of what you gave to your Dad’s grandkids from him. So very sweet.
Interesting — I was thinking the same thing, because I didn’t properly mourn my mother. I had to go back to my marriage after her death, and was not exactly encouraged to grieve, if you know what I mean.
So yeah, I’ve been thinking about her a lot even though she and my dad were also long-divorced. I know it will all become easier to bear, and I’m trying not to rush it and be “fine” right away.
Thanks for reading, and for leaving a comment.
My Christmas was nice and quiet, which was fine with me. My best gift? A new resident in the White House.
I love your little table-top tree, Donna. I need to get one that size, I gave up on dealing with full-size trees years ago. I very seldom have room for a large tree and I hate taking them down – too much work.
It sounds like this Christmas was bittersweet for you. I’m glad you can share the holidays and your life with DF.
Happy New Year to everyone! I’m praying that the new year will be a better one for us all.
Forgot to mention that the tree cost me $1 at a rummage sale. I bought it the same year I left my marriage, along with a sandwich bag full of tiny ornaments that set me back another dollar.
And I, too, am hoping for a better year and perhaps some healing of the divisions that exist nationwide. Then again, I always was an optimist.
Thanks for being such a consistent reader and commenter.
I’m right with you on that new resident.
Donna,
Happy New Year. I hope 2021 brings you more healing, health, happiness and prosperity.
My daughter is in love with Grogu/Baby Yoda/The Child also. DD got a life size Grogu doll, and is tucking Grogu in, and sitting with Grogu, and carrying Grogu around. Cute because DD is in college.
My daughter is 43, so I hear you there. Haven’t seen “The Mandalorian” but I expect I’d find Grogu adorable myself.