Recently DF and I attended “My Fair Lady,” the frugal way: I was reviewing, so we got two free tickets. (You can read the review at the Alaska Dispatch News if you like.)
When we finally went to bed my feet were, as usual, freezing. The rest of me felt fine but my toes were 10 little icicles. This led to us joking about a rewrite of “The Street Where You Live,” one of the more romantic songs from the musical.
In case you don’t know the tune, here’s a clip from the film version:
Got it? Now, on to the DF-written parody, “The Sheets At the Foot of the Bed”:
I have often slid down these sheets before,
but I never felt such frigid, frozen feets before.
Though the pillow’s nice, down below it’s ice
in the frost at the foot of the bed.
All my toes are pale as a beluga whale,
where it dips to single digits on the Kelvin scale.
Is there someplace worse in the universe
than the frost at the foot of the bed?
Palatial pleasures of slumber
are extinguished down in that well
where glacial entities lumber
and woolly mammoths, polar bears and yetis dwell.
I could rise and go toward the fireplace glow,
or get up and fetch back here the blessed heated throw.
But tonight I’m beat, so I’ll leave my feet
in the frost at the foot of the bed.
You can see why I love this man. Even his kvetching is musical.
It’s not your imagination
Forget all those tired old jokes about women and their frosty feet. Apparently this has some basis in fact. According to The (U.K.) Daily Mail, there’s a reason: Hormones.
(Cue a round of sexist “humor” about women and their kah-razy cycles.)
Short form: Something called “thermo-receptor cells,” just under the skin, will shut down capillary action when they sense cold. The idea is to protect our vital organs at the potential expense of useless stuff like fingers and toes. Estrogen regulates the peripheral blood vessels, so high levels of that hormone makes the vessels more sensitive to temperature.
Michael Tipton, professor of human and applied physiology at the University of Portsmouth, also points out that women have 10 percent more body fat than men.
(And what the hell: Let’s make some fat jokes, too!)
“The more fat you’ve got, the more you’re defending the inner organs, but it also means you’re stopping heat from reaching the skin,” Tipton says.
So there you have it: My feet are cold for a reason. My sheets are flannel, for the same reason. And I’ve discovered yet another reason why my sweetheart is a keeper: because he generally doesn’t complain about my icy tootsies – and if he must, he’ll do it in song.
Related reading:
Hah!! Loved this — beluga whale and Kelvin scale — Cole Porter is giggling in great piano bar in the sky. Outstanding!
Hormones! I call BS. I am now 69 but have ALWAYS had cold feet (and usually hands)whether in my 20’s, preggie or now post-menapose.
Late DH called my feet:
Heat seeking missles.
Maybe you’ve got Raynaud’s, too.
Not likely. Looked Raynaud’s up at mayoclinic.com and my hand foot cold is just cold, not numb or response to cold temps or stress (pretty constant cold year around). No skin color changes.
You are one blessed woman!
He is a keeper! I have one that will lie on my side of the bed first so that when I get in my feet have a warm place to go. And we LOVE flannels here!
Lovely! Your DF is a genius! And you’ve reminded me that it won’t be long before I need to pull out our flannel sheets.
Have you considered a rice bag for your chilly feet? It’s easy to make one by folding a washcloth in half and sewing the edges together. Fill with a couple cups of uncooked rice before you quite finish the final seam. A minute in the microwave and it’s toasty warm. Perfect for cold feet or muscle aches.
We do have a rice bag, and why I never thought of doing that is typical me. Thanks for the suggestion!
Love the post! I have a husband that allows me to put my ice cold feet on his extra warm legs at night. However, in the morning…he wants to put his cold feet on my warm legs and I am not as nice 🙂
It is wonderful we understand why someone is in our life 🙂
I love the movie “My Fair Lady;” the costumes and songs. I admire people who can parody songs (Weird Al anyone?). I am not that clever. Also I am so glad to know I am not the only one who has flannel sheets and down comforter. Tip, never get navy blue sheets with a down comforter. Unfortunately my problem with cold feet (and hands) is more than just hormonal. I have Raynaud’s which causes the capillaries in my hands and feet to spasm when I get cold. Can even happen in the middle of summer if I am in the frozen food cases too long. Sherry, your idea is the one thing that has really worked the best for me in the winter time.
“Is there someplace worse in the universe
than the frost at the foot of the bed?”
Yes, he is a keeper!
My husband is too. Let’s me put my “popsicle toes” (Michael Franks’ lyric) next to him at night. Wearing wool socks helps. I can’t fall asleep when I am cold.
Well Donna, you most certainly have “My Fair Footsies”. The remix was adorable, make a youtube video and it could go viral.
I love SherryH’s idea. Brilliant:)
When my daughter was little and it was cold outside and inside, I used an old Slavic tradition of breathing into her socks before I put them on her feet. She would not admit it, but at 16 years old she still asks for me to breathe into her socks to warm them up.
That is completely charming. I will remember this if I have to put socks or mittens on DF’s granddaughter.
Oh that is so cute.
I can so relate to feeling cold easily. I spend most of my life cold whether it be from air conditioning in the summer to not enough heat in the winter. I live under my heated throw at home and at work I used a heated foot mat called Cozy Toes. It has really helped.
You might enjoy this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VGZ6M6t4vA
My feet are cold right now. I’m working late so I refuse to warm them because that’s the signal to my body that it’s ok to go to sleep now. I knew we would last when PiC (who HATES cold feet on him) would sleepily mumble “Go ahead, put your feet on me” when he realized I was laying awake because of them. Well, that and a few other reasons. 🙂
DF is very clever, yes, and a keeper. It’s 59 but raw–windy and rainy. My toes are frozen even though I have been in the house for hours. The oncologist forced me off estrogen and now my toes are cold.
I learned one thing. Never wear the same socks to bed that you put on at night to keep your feet warm before bed. Never wear cotton socks. Your feet breathe and make the socks just damp enough to make your toes too cold. I put on socks at night, but change them just before I turn off the light. My feet stay much warmer. (Right now I have on sandals only and no heat in the house yet.)
They say cotton kills as in hypothermia. Cotton also freezes toes in bed.
If you have a footboard, throw a blanket/quilt/whatever over it and tuck under the mattress. That helps me to keep every last breeze off my well-covered feet.
Nicely written Donna. And yes, my feet are often cold. Now I know why 🙂
Laura Beth
Thanks! But DF did most of the work on this one.
ROTFLMAO!! What a guy- rhyming “beluga whale” and Kelvin scale! That’s hysterical!
FWIW, I’m a member of the Cold Tootsies Club, too. When I’m not having night sweats, that is.
Maybe some day I’ll publish (with his permission, of course) the lyrics to “Rudolph, the Roasted Reindeer” — a couple of very creative rhyme schemes in that one, too.