North Carolina photographer Eric Pickersgill was in a café when a family’s non-togetherness spooked him deeply.
The father and two daughters were on their phones while the mother looked out the window, seeming “sad and alone in the company of her closest family.” Ultimately she gave in and took out her own phone.
From this Pickersgill found the inspiration for a photo series called “Removed,” a series of pictures that were semi-staged, yet all too real. Pickersgill would ask device-users to hold their poses while he removed the tablets and cell phones from their grasp.
The result is, well, the same sort of thing we see all the time in public places: People ignoring everything around them to fixate on handheld pixel-makers. But its static nature – men, women and children staring blankly into empty space – makes the exhibit deeply unsettling.
A few examples:
Three little boys sit side by side on a couch, intent on (what used to be) e-devices.
A mom, a dad and two sons lounge in the kitchen, each with his own device. The caption, “A family waits for their pizza to arrive,” makes me wonder whether they’ll be scrolling and surfing all through the meal.
A bride and groom perch at opposite corners of the “Just Married” car. The caption indicates that Michelle and Jimmy are checking their newsfeeds; myself, I would have guessed they were checking to see which photos of the ceremony their friends had put up on Instagram or Facebook.
Four women stand in a garage, intent on their screens rather than one another. The caption, “Ashley and her neighbors escape the backyard barbecue for some down time,” made me snort: All those other people out there wanting their attention! Couldn’t the guests see that a gal needs to check her Twitter feed?
All the photos in Pickersgill’s exhibit are some version of the family in the café: being there, but not there. Ignoring everything around you to dive deeply into a virtual universe full of other disconnected people who somehow convince themselves they’re part of a community.
The image of that café family haunts him, the photographer says. Yet he isn’t striking a holier-than-thou pose: One of the photos is of himself and his wife lying back to back in bed, holding their phones.
Living in the (virtual) moment
Wish I could say that I’m immune to such e-temptations. I’m not. In part that’s because years of the freelance life trained me always to be looking, looking, looking for the next inspiration/job opportunity.
Writing this blog further complicates things. After spending eight to 11 hours a day at the computer to make a living, I’ll feel guilty that I haven’t posted here for two or three (or more) days. So I sign back on.
When I visit my friend Linda B. she and I will often have laptops up and at ’em while we watch the TV shows she’s recorded for us to share. Sure, we’re chatting while we scroll but too often we have our heads silently buried in our screens.
Linda said she and her best childhood friend regularly spent visits sitting at opposite ends of the couch, reading. This upset her friend’s mom, but the girls were perfectly happy to be lost in their separate books (while secure in each other’s presence).
DF and I do that. We’ll sit in adjoining armchairs to read, feeling completely attached and happy to be in each other’s company. Sometimes he or I will read something funny or meaningful aloud.
But that changes if I’m sitting next to him with my laptop. Sure, I’m reading just as I would be if I were holding a book. Yet the dynamic is different. Very different: I feel that I’m no longer in the room.
Hard to disconnect
This is not to be confused with the delightful escapism of diving happily into a book. It’s as though I’ve gone somewhere else entirely.
The only solution is to try really, really hard not to use the computer in the evenings or on weekends. While I’m getting better at this, I’m not there yet: It’s Saturday night and I’m writing this post while DF is doing some chore outside. Fortunately I’m finishing up and he’s not back indoors.
If I hadn’t and he came in, I’d have put the computer away. But thanks to that “How long since I’ve posted?” guilt, I can’t promise that I wouldn’t have tried to finish writing while we sat in the library listening to “Saturday Night at the Opera.”
He’d be reading “Mussorgsky & His Circle: A Russian Musical Adventure.” I’d be reading my own words and wondering if they were good enough to share with people I don’t even know, while ignoring the lovely man sitting half a foot away.
Readers: Do you find it hard to disconnect? Have you had to ask a family member to dial back the smartphone use and be fully present?
Related reading:
- Living in the quieter spots of life
- The opposite of obligation
- Accepting responsibility for our lives
What you describe is a good part of the reason I live in the dark ages. I still have a basic service flip phone. No internet or email available.
I’m with you Holly. It’s really sad when you see children (even infants) trying to communicate with their parents who are fixated on their phone. Makes me sad for them all.
I’ve seen that, too. The saddest was a baby, maybe 10 months old, sitting up in a stroller at an outdoor shopping mall in Seattle, trying to get her mom to look at her. Mom (or maybe the nanny?) was completely oblivious, entranced with her device.
Earlier this year I drove by a young woman who was pushing a stroller and had three kids ranged around her, probably all under the age of six. Her eyes were glued on her smartphone as she walked. All I could do was sigh, and pray that no one driving toward her was also using a phone — just a little bit of veer would have mowed all of them down.
Hey, if I had four kids under six I’d want to escape, too. I just hope that I’d love them enough to put the phone away until we got home, so that we’d all arrive alive.
The other day I was driving out of the neighborhood as school let out. Three kids aged 5-7 were walking with a dad. Dad was on his smart phone. Kids were darting around, laughing. Two ran out directly in front of my car. Thankfully, I was driving about 10 miles per hour, was watching their every move, and able to brake in time without screeching wheels. Dad never looked up.
I have a pay-as-you go smart phone that’s kept in my purse for emergencies. Period. If it’s not an emergency, it can wait until I’m home. Only 3 people have the number–my DH and 2 sons. Because again, anything else can wait until I’m home, and we have an answering machine.
Holy cow. I’m sorry for the kids, and glad you were paying attention.
As Holly stated, i have a basic pay-as-you-go phone. When we’re home though, my husband and i are on the computer. In my defense, i didn’t start doing this til i got tired of him always being on his computer. I decided that i would make a life for myself, separate from him. I can’t tell you how many times i tried to start a conversation and he didn’t even respond. I’ve since started selling on ebay, so that’s my focus. If i want to do something, or go somewhere, i mention it to him. If he wants to join me he can. Otherwise, i go alone. I have a HUGE love/hate relationship with computers!
I also have a pay-as-you-go phone, just so editors (or DF, or family) can find me when I’m on the road. It’s a burn phone, really, with a teeny screen that would be lousy for surfing the Internet so I’m not even tempted.
The thing with your husband the computer, though…Wow. I’m sorry. This is the kind of thing that worries me, so I really am trying to stay offline once DF gets home. Not perfect, just trying.
Oh dear. Part of me is glad that you’re making a life for yourself — but another part of me is sad that you have to do this.
Me too. I come home and I am worn out and want some downtime, so I get on the computer. Next thing I know it’s bedtime and I haven’t done anything I should or even WANT to do. I am making an effort to disconnect more.
I had to drop my landline last year when I moved into a cheaper place. I rely on my flip phone for phone calls and that’s it. It bothers me when I’m with other people and they are glued to their smart phones. *sigh* Not much I can do about it.
I do spend a lot of time on my computer, but some of this is due to college assignments and tests. Also, I don’t have cable, so that’s another reason I spend so much time online. I live alone, so it’s no big deal, but if I lived with someone or had a roommate, I would not be online as much.
My husband is terrible about this. I used to get so mad when he was on his phone when giving our son his bottle. Pay attention to him, not your damn phone. I could understand when the baby was super little and we had to feed him every five seconds… but when you’re giving one bottle a day, stop and pay attention to him during that time. I used to not use the computer at all unless my son was awake. I do sometimes use it now when he’s awake but the second he starts trying to get my attention, it goes away and he gets picked up and loved on. Because that’s what he deserves. Nothing is worse than trying to talk to someone who is on their phone all the time. I was having a conversation with my husband earlier…. at least I thought I was. He was browsing YouTube videos and one started up right as I started to speak. I mean, really??
Mine is also pay as you go.
I can count on the fingers of 1 hand how many people have the number: 3 relatives & 2 friends.
What an interesting article….and a sad commentary of our lives. I find this “addiction maddening”. When visiting DD2 at college it was CRAZY….these kids are constantly on their phones even when sitting in groups at lunch. I find it really bothersome when showing property to prospects who have to constantly attend to their phone when I’m trying to show them the place and have ended interviews due to inattention. The funniest recent experience was with a tenant at property I manage. We were setting up a time to get together to go over her records(she’s behind)and I called and left a message to call my home and leave a time that’s convenient. Somehow she gets my cell phone# and starts sending me texts…a lot of them….like 10 in 5 minutes. I checked the first text and then stopped by that afternoon. She asked “did you get my texts”…I responded ..”sure did”….She asked “is it OK to text you?”…I replied…”sure, I’m not gonna answer or read the text but feel free to text away”…”But if you leave a message at my home number…probably a better use of your time”…The gal was dumbfounded and I haven’t got a text since. I too have a “pay as you go phone” and it works great for me and at under $7 a month…no complaints. I’ve seen cell phone bills approaching $250-300 for two phones….crazy!
People who say they’ll text me (whatever information) are startled when I say, “I rarely check my phone, so e-mail would work much better.” It’s a flip phone that costs $2 per day if I use it, $0 if I don’t. That includes unlimited texting but I find the process irksome. In fact, I have sent only one text in my life — at FinCon15, when a person I was to have lunch with turns out to be the kind of person who rarely checks her e-mail.
The idea of paying $250 to $300 per month for phones makes me feel dizzy.
$2 a day IF you use it …. Sounds like a pretty good plan to me. Couldn’t agree more with texting and just don’t see the attraction.
Donna, I admire your honesty. We were at a pro sports event the other day. Guy sitting next to me was on his phone checking who knows what all through out the game. My husband alternates between his phone and the TV. Before cell phones it was just the TV. When we started dating over 20 years ago he was shocked that I didn’t have cable. Guess it was just the way I was raised but I have never been that into TV. We had trick-or-treating this weekend. We sat in our driveway and handed out candy to hundreds of kids, a lot with their parents accompanying them. The weather was cool but dry and everyone seemed to be having fun. I saw very few cell phones out and went around to a couple of the neighbors’ houses to chat. People had fire pits going in their driveways and stood or sat outside handing out candy. It was really nice.
I guess I’ve been lucky in that the people around me don’t tend to let the electronic world pull them away from the physical one. If the smartphone comes out during dinner, it’s to settle an argument or answer a question that’s come up in the dinner conversation, and then it goes away again. If someone’s reading on the smartphone or computer and a conversation comes up, they’ll generally set the device aside and join in, or share bits of what they’re reading.
I can remember, back in the analog days, reading a book or newspaper over a meal, or refusing to come out and be social until I’d finished the last few pages of a novel. I’ve even walked down the street with my nose buried in a book, though never with children in tow!
I’m not sure whether this tendency to distraction is anything new for us humans, or whether electronic connectivity has only exaggerated a tendency we already had.
I spend a lot of time on the computer, because a lot of my former entertainment – reading print, driving places, certain arts and crafts – just aren’t available to me. But at the end of the day I’m ready to get away from electronics nattering at me and interact with humans for a change.
http://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/swiss-polices-shocking-video-aims-deter-cellphone-distraction-deaths-n355851
I’m not sure if you’ve seen this or not. When I first saw it, I wasn’t sure what to think.
I always wonder what people are so engrossed in or what they think is so important that they must be on it. I’ve read I don’t know how many times, “as soon as I get up, I check my phone/email/etc.” I don’t want to be that connected. I like peace and quiet.
I also only have a flip phone, and when you tune into the phone conversations that people are so intent on, they clearly are silly small talk most of the time. I wonder if there is some psychological thing going on with the necessity to prove they are “wanted” and “in the know” and have friends.
Also, when we take the grandchildren on trips, they are forbidden any electronic devices. We were in a hotel room with our six year old grandchild and she said, “I’m bored”. We told her “life is boring lots of the time”. Within a few minutes she made up a hilarious game where she was writing us notes on the hotel stationery and delivering them to us over an obstacle course consisting of the room furniture. We were just lying on the beds, but her imagination made the notes and the delivery funnier and funnier.
If you give kids the time and space, and insist on them using their minds, they will.
This ++++.
To my eyes, smartphone attachment is an obsession. Once you see all the things you can do with it, you want to do more and more and spend more and more time with it. But I feel that usually happens as soon as you obtain that type of phone and then keeps going until you finally decide that the darn screen is killing your eyesight! I have a smartphone and I do text. My stepchildren (now all adults) text me when they want to convey information, or when something reminds them of me, or when we’re trying to figure out schedules. They all live in different cities and time zones and we all have different schedules, so texting helps us communicate. I draw the line on smartphone usage when I’m around my small grandkids. When I’m physically present, the smartphone is physically absent!
IS it an obsession or just a life-style? It really is sad that we feel that we spent time with people just because we are standing/sitting next to them but our minds aren’t present.
Great post and something to chew on.
I think this is one of the real, deep-down reasons why I don’t have a smart phone. I can text and call with my trusty cell phone, and that’s all I use it for. I don’t believe in spending all evening on the computer. I’m an adjunct instructor at 2 colleges, so sometimes I have to be online, but if my family is home, I try not to be online so much. My sister’s grandson (age 11) put it best: “My parents are there, but they’re not there, if you know what I mean.”
Wow. How sad.
Oh dear Lord, that is sad. Poor little guy.
Geez…that family could have been mine. Drives me crazy they are always glued… and people wonder why it’s so hard to have lasting relationships.
I’m an avid smartphone user, and I think most my family and friends are as well, but we don’t seem to have this problem the way everyone’s describing.
Most of my life is online: work and social life. But I consider it natural that if I’m socializing with people in person, then I’m not going to interrupt that to socialize with people online. Unless I’m looking up something for the conversation or we’re showing each other photos or fact-checking, it’s logical that if I’m with people, then I’m with people.
Texting is how I keep in touch with 99% of my family and friends – chasing an infant while holding down a job doesn’t leave me any time to chat on the phone like some prefer. And many of my cohort are in the same boat or we have seriously conflicting schedules so that if we refuse to text then it can be months or even years til we speak again. (There’s one friend I’m thinking of who I haven’t seen or spoken with in years and that’s sad.)
It drives me nuts if people are minding their children except they’re glued to their phones because I’ve seen accidents just barely avoided. I’ll text with PiC for a few seconds to let him know I’m out with the kids, or to take pictures of something really cute that he’s missing, but otherwise if we’re walking, we’re walking, and my attention belongs there.
That said, my screen time has yielded a wealth of friendships that wouldn’t be possible for me otherwise. I have extremely limited energy so the usual ways people make friends through hobbies, entertaining or however normal people make friends are not viable options. Instead I have wonderful friends who I mostly “see” daily online, and sometimes am lucky enough to see in person, and that’s been invaluable support through some very dark times.
It’s all in how you use it, I suspect, and in not letting it control your behavior. As my Mom used to chide, be smarter than the box! 🙂
I have to add this. I am currently vacationing in Hawaii. Last night husband and I took a sunset sail. It was stunningly beautiful being off the beaches of Waikiki at that time. The cost for two people was $166.00. There was a woman on board with her approximately 8 year old daughter who was texting 80% of the sail. And there were a couple of other adults and a kid who were on their phones part of the time.
I want badly not to judge how others live their lives, but texting during an expensive sail, in an expensive vacation spot? Did they honestly spend thousands of dollars so they could get here, open their phone and just brag about where they are and what they’re doing?
I’m totally mystified by it all.
I have a dumb phone because I have declined to activate any of its possible smart features. 🙂 Cheap monthly service with no voice mail and limited talk/text – fortunately I had already trained most of the people in my life to not call that phone number during business hours. Hey, surprise, I have a business phone! And three email addresses! If anybody needs to reach me, they can.
My husband relies on a smartphone to run his business, but he is good about not focusing on it when we’re together. Because if we’re together he’s not working. 🙂