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“Decision fatigue” is hitting women hard during the pandemic, according to the HerMoney newsletter from money expert Jean Chatzky. A leadership coach and resiliency expert named Beth Benatti Kennedy reports a widespread issue among her clients: “I’ve never had to think about so many personal and work decisions.”
These women were already busy before COVID-19. Here’s what their lives look like now, Chatzky says:
“In an average day, women are making decisions for their families regarding school, play, meal planning, cleaning, pets, who goes to the grocery store, and whether or not risk for catching the virus should be taken in order to go to an event or have an experience, and all this is being done alongside a paying job for which you’re hoping to have a nice quiet office space in which you can comfortably earn a living.
“If it sounds like a pipe dream, that’s because it is. Because working from home has removed the boundaries that helped separate work and life, women are now working longer hours and are unable to turn work (off).”
That’s some serious fatigue.
A few tips from Chatzky and her experts:
Set boundaries. Turn off the computer/disconnect the phone at the end of your “workday” and go do something else (preferably something fun). For those working at home, not having a clear delineation between work and personal life makes it that much more likely that you’ll sneak in an extra hour (or more) before you go to bed, which means you didn’t have any real down time.
Address inequality. If you’re doing more than your share at home, talk to your partner (and your kids?) about how to fix this.
Simplify when feasible. For example, you might want to do batch cooking a couple of times a month or order takeout once a week. Or maybe you could relax your standards a bit: Your household will probably be fine with simpler meals and a home that isn’t spotless at all times.
Take care of yourself. Drink plenty of water. Eat in as healthy a way as you can. Make sure you’re getting enough rest. (Fun fact: Technology like Zoom may actually fatigue us more than an in-person client or staff meeting.)
I enjoy the HerMoney newsletter. You probably will, too, so subscribe here.
‘Don’t ever put me in a nursing home’
That’s the kind of thing aging parents often say to their children, writes personal finance author Cameron Huddleston Lebedinsky. But sometimes there’s no other choice.
In a post called “Are you a bad kid for putting your parent in assisted living?,” Huddleston says that many people feel obligated to care for their folks. They might even have been explicitly told it was their duty.
“However, you need to be aware of what caregiving entails before you agree to never put your parents in an assisted living facility or nursing home,” she writes. It’s important to keep in mind the physical, financial and emotional impact as well as the benefits of assisted living.
Huddleston knows this from painful personal experience: Her mother has dementia and has been in “memory care” facilities for eight years. The fact is, the writer could not provide the level of care and expertise her mother needed (especially since she has three kids and a full-time job). So after four years of providing care, Huddleston researched the best places and found the right fit. It wasn’t easy. But it was necessary.
Her book, “Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk: How to Have Essential Conversations With Your Parents About Their Finances,” details essential conversations to have with parents. In addition, Huddleston provides a fabulous free resource on her site: “The In Case of Emergency Organizer,” a downloadable document that lets families write down crucial financial information for worst-case scenarios. Share this document not just with your own folks, but with friends whose parents are aging.
This is a tough conversation to have. But you’ll probably be glad you had it.
Digital wallet use soaring
The novel coronavirus has changed a lot of things – including how we pay for the things we buy. Citing the 2020 Multinational BrandedPay report, Payments Journal reports that 88 percent of shoppers now use some type of digital wallet.
“COVID-19 has served as a major catalyst” for this adoption, according to the site. People feel that contactless payments can help them avoid exposure, leading them to “really cross the chasm” toward virtual wallet usage.
Not that it’s universal in this country: Although nine out of 10 U.S. residents have at least one kind of digital wallet, only about one third use it regularly. Two potential reasons: Digital gift card growth is also noticeable, and online shopping is way up (both for delivery and for contactless pickup).
“Consumers have largely migrated to online shopping amid the pandemic,” the journal notes. While it’s likely some will go back to their former consumer practices, Payments Journal suggests that “much of the shift is here to stay” and companies need to find ways to operate within that new normal.
In a recent post called “Holiday shopping in the time of COVID,” I hoped that people won’t completely neglect brick-and-mortar stores. Support the local economy!
This is particularly important for those small companies, startups and solopreneurs not currently in a position to have a robust digital presence and/or be able to deliver or ship and still make consistent profits. Some of these folks have been particularly hard-hit in places where COVID-19 has not just canceled tourism (out-of-towners buy a whole lotta locally made stuff) but also canceled craft bazaars and gift shows where small companies can reach a lot of shoppers.
Gift cards up for grabs
Some options this week:
Savings.com is giving away five $100 Macy’s e-gift cards, just in time for the #macysVIPsale. Something for your home? New winter boots? Early holiday shopping? Macy’s has it, and then some. The deadline to enter is 11:59 pm PDT Tuesday, Sept. 29, so don’t put this one off.
A personal finance site called Your Money Geek is giving away a $200 Amazon gift card. The deadline is Nov. 2, which means the winner would still have plenty of time to do some holiday shopping – or buy something personal. Go win this!
Finally, my own $25 gift card of choice giveaway continues through 6 p.m. PDT Friday, Oct. 4. The prize isn’t as big as the other two, but you get to pick the card you get – and it’s the first of a series of giveaways, so I have to keep it affordable for my site. You can enter the giveaway five different ways, all of them easy.
Decision Fatigue – Yes! This!
In these times, I am very fortunate that I can work from home, BUT as you said, it can be difficult since there isn’t the home/work separation. I have been fairly disciplined with myself and shutting down my work day close to on time. Though it is nice to not have to spend the gas money, wear and tear on the car, I do miss the commute. Morning commute was spent on transitioning and mentally going over my to-do list and evening commute was the same, putting the work day behind me and looking forward to being at home/after work events.
As for the parents trying to extract the promise to never put them in a nursing home is something that my dad had asked of me I told him that I’m sorry, but I cannot promise that. He was surprised, and let it go. He didn’t ask me again. It was hard to tell him that, but he also taught me that a promise is golden and that you do everything in your power to keep it. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to keep that promise if he would require a lot of care. We are lucky that our dad was able to stay at home until the end of his time on the planet.
I, too, find myself working odd/weird hours because I work at home. Last night I spent more than an hour editing until I realized, “This is supposed to be your day off.” Work/life balance is a struggle for me.
As for putting parents in care, I would advise people never to say never. You have no idea what long-term care can involve and it simply might not be possible.
In my opinion all the women I grew up knowing and loving and learning from were fatigued. They just did not complain about it. Mothers took care of children and ran errands, went to doctor’s visits, and cooked everyday and holiday meals, along with following a weekly food budget and often, quite often had an elder parent of parent in law at home with them. Sometimes the elder parent/parent in law was helpful with the kids or watching them while errands were done, however sometimes that elder relative may have been ill, or difficult to care for. The women I grew up with were women warriors. They just did what had to be done and kept it moving. I can’t imagine being so heartless as to say to a parent who wanted to be kept at home and not be put in a nursing home No-I can’t do that. It is barbaric, really. I get that women spend more time at work and with careers-I know that . I did that. When my mother-a warrior and saint in my opinion was ill it was so sad to know that she would die and I would not have her in my life. It was an honor to take care of her, she was the core of our lives. She raised six children and had my paternal grandmother at home with us. My dad worked two jobs-full time and weekends. Yes we did see him, yes he missed dinner with us most times. But he was loving, diligent , responsible man who did what was needed.
I wonder about these women at home working and complaining-you are at home. I know teaching a child online at home is difficult, my sister is a teacher and tutor. I get all of this. I am dismayed by all the complaints of “fatigue” we hear today. We are never guaranteed a perfect life, maybe, just maybe we ought to work with the life we have and stop trying to have a perfect one. Hey 200,000 thousand souls have left the planet due to a pandemic. I bet the would rather be “fatigued”-and those families would NOT want their parents in a nursing home where the virus spread like butter on hot toast. I am so enriched by my upbringing and those women warriors. I grew up just like them.
I grew up around warrior women like that as well — and while I suppose I am one of them, I would never put that on another person. Parents today face pressures that our moms could never have imagined, especially when they’re far from family/others who would help. I remember being terrified my child would get sick, I’d have to stay home to care for her (big city, knew no one) and I might lose my job or even simply find it tough to make the rent that month.
I agree that some people might want a “perfect” life. But things are different now, compared to back in the day. For more on this, see http://donnafreedman.com/this-isnt-your-grandparents-recession/.
As for it being “barbaric” to refuse to care for a parent, let me just say that some people have darned good reasons not to care for Mom or Dad. A friend of mine cared for her father (who had dementia) until she could no longer physically lift him. An aunt’s dementia got so bad she became a danger to herself and to her developmentally disabled sister, who lived with her. And if someone’s upbringing and/or adulthood included physical, financial or emotional abuse, then I say: “Do what you think is right, but you do NOT have to care for that person in your home. They lost the right to demand filial piety when they treated you so poorly.”
Thanks for reading, and for leaving a comment.
Vivian: Stop me if I’m wrong, but your comment sounds uncomfortably close to a guilt-trip for all of us who cannot make our loved ones this promise. For example, I am primary caregiver (at age 65) to a husband who (at age 71) has rapidly progressing early-onset Alzheimer’s. We have no children and no nearby relatives, and I have no formal help other than the home care aides I’m lucky to be able to hire (thank goodness, we bought long-term care insurance back when we were relatively young and perky). DH is a large man, and the time will come when I can no longer physically manage him at home. I have never promised him that I will not put him in care, and I will make no such promise. Please remain aware that there are many variations of my story out there.
My husband and I have talked about what we want if one of us gets too sick to care for (I was very ill for four years, as in could not get out of bed without him, so we have partially lived that scenario). We both agree that if it gets too much for the other to handle, we want to be put in a home. The person left living alone is free to find another partner as long as we promise to visit the one in the nursing home frequently and make sure they are being taken care of. I would not want my husband to care for me until it drives him into an early grave, nor do I want him to live alone if I am in a home (and vice versa). I hope he does find love but I still want him to love me enough to be sure I am not being abused in the nursing home and to visit me.
I enjoyed this post.
Re: Decision Fatigue
Finally there is a name for the reason I’m so tired when I’m trying to manage my daily life during this pandemic. My husband is high-risk so I’m adding the layers of hand sanitizing, mask wearing, distancing, etc. to my daily tasks, like the rest of us.
Re: housing aging parents
My mother lived in assisted living for many years without complaint as her health continued to deteriorate.
My mother-in-law had a variety of living situations and was very difficult to manage. She lived the last few years of her life in a rehabilitation hospital. My SIL tried very hard without success to care for her in her home.
One should never promise to care for aging parents. It’s not fair to anyone involved. Lifting a disabled person is hard! I know this from personal experience, and have the “bad back” to prove it.
We are both pretty decision fatigued out, here. I’m lucky in that it’s shared pretty equally because we generally share everything equally according to our strengths. But half of “way the heck too much” is still “way the heck too much”.
I was, once upon a time, the “I’ll never put you in a home” person but obviously as far as my remaining parent, that’s not on the table.
We do have child-free elders in my chosen family who we will care for as they age, however they need, but we don’t know what exactly that will look like. At least one of them insists that we put her in a home so she’s not a burden, and we just need to make sure they’re treating her right.
As for the promise… I had to put my Mom into LTC. As for those that would offer me “barbaric”, “heartless” or “complainer”, I am busy decluttering and I am not accepting any more guilt at this time.
No one except the people who actually do the care work and talk to the doctors know the medical situation. Covid decision fatigue is similar to LTC decision fatigue.