Cohabit in haste, repent in poverty. Or at least in aggravation, according to a recent survey from Rent.com.
“How finances will be divided” is the top issue that survey participants wished they’d talked about before sharing space. What a surprise.
“He/she doesn’t pay enough of our expenses” is a recurring theme in advice columns and, I’d bet, in couples’ counseling offices. If I had one suggestion to anyone planning to move in together, it would be “talk about money – and keep talking.”
Talk about how much you earn and how much you expect to earn in the future. Talk about your current expenses and how they might be expected to increase (entrepreneurialism, parenthood, homeownership).
Talk about what’s fair: A 50/50 split may not be the appropriate way to split costs if you’re pulling down $60k a year and he’s earning half that.
Talk about long-term goals, such as starting a business or staying home with kids. Talk about where you see yourself in five years, then 10, then 30: How do you expect to achieve those goals within those time frames?
Talk about retirement – especially if you want to stay home with kids, start a business, buy a home or leave the workplace early.
Talk about how you can build a joyous day-to-day life while you’re taking care of current obligations like consumer debt (especially student loans) and bringing those short- and long-term goals to fruition.
One more thing: Just 11 percent of those surveyed discussed how they’d divide the household chores. Talk about that, too.
Readers: Did you talk about money before you moved in together/got married? What kind of split did you determine was fair?
Related reading:
- The sexiest money habit
- You know what’s hot? A money date
- Between the (budget) sheets
- Midlife love STILL rocks
We did, some. Probably not enough! But DH’s determination to never carry a credit-card balance and to live as debt-free as possible rubbed off on me. He worked so much in our early days together — we were saving up for a house — that I just took on the household chores and the bill-paying. I didn’t mind then and I don’t mind now, especially since I’m working part-time and consulting, and he’s still grinding it out full-time. It just makes more sense for me to take on these chores. I think it’s ironic that people still think it’s “weird” to talk about money, but they’ll talk about sex any time.
That sounds as though it works for you. But please accept my unsolicited advice: As your own working hours ramp up (e.g., your consulting gigs pick up), make sure you’re not doing more than your fair share. This can lead to major resentment. Ask me how I know.
My BF & I discussed finances before moving in. We agreed on 50/50 utilities (electric, gas, water, sewer, internet). I pay 1/3 rent per his suggestion, but he recently dropped it to $0 for a few months in the midst of my stolen car fiasco. He’s graciously giving me some wiggle room to pay off a chunk of debt, then I’ll go back to our original plan. Unless he needs the $ one month, then I’ll kick in my share of rent. I try to pull my weight in others areas (for my own peace of mind) via grocery shopping, cooking, & cleaning. I also pay his bills for him, meaning he gave me access to his bank account. I like finances, so I’m happy to help. Plus, then I know how much utilities are to calculate my 50% share w/o bugging him lol. We each pay our own bills, i.e. cell, car, student loans, insurance, etc. We’re not engaged or married yet, but I know we’ll re-examine our situation if we in fact marry one day.
Keeping the lines of communication open is key. It looks as though you two already know that.
My fiance (boyfriend at the time) moved in two years ago. He pays me $500 per month rent. This is about what renting a room would cost and less than half his previous rent. He pays the cable/internet/phone bill because he wanted to add features and the gym membership. I own where we live. His rent is about 1/3 of the mortgage/interest/tax bill. I pay all other bills. We didn’t spend a lot of time talking about finances, but we did know that neither one of us carries a credit card balance and the mortgage is our only debt payment. I paid off my car about when he moved in. I make less than him. Each of us were living on our own when we moved in together. This works for us and will probably continue until we buy a house. At that point we will combine finances.
We currently split the bills 50/50 and have his/her/ours checking accounts. This is a 2nd marriage for me and I became to independent after my first marriage ended leaving me to carry the house payment and all household bills with 2 small children with only my paycheck (part time) and $600.00 in a savings account. I told myself on my 30th Birthday that I would never depend on anyone for my needs. I am happy to say that I don’t depend on my 2nd husband but it sure is nice to have someone!
Agreed! It’s particularly nice to have someone who’s on the same financial page as you are.
I’ve been blessed with the most wonderful husband in the world but not discussing finances ahead of time was a really big mistake. Add in the fact that he was unemployed for two years and you’ve got a recipe for some friction. My husbands family was rather comfortable at one time and unfortunately over indulged all three of their children. I on the other hand, grew up poor. When we married, I wanted to know exactly how much he owed on his credit cards, but he kept getting the bill, paying the minimum, tossing the statement, and then promptly forgetting what the balance was! After a couple of months of this, I had to go medieval on him to get him to save the damn statement.
Our saving grace was that I started to read books by Larry Burkett, a Christian financial advisor. From these, I learned how to save money, budget, and stay out of debt. My husband soon followed suit and now he is the family bookkeeper. My mother-in-law has frequently remarked on what a good job I have done by teaching him financial skills. To his credit, he was a very good student once someone held his feet to the fire.
On the other hand, my husband’s brother got a divorce over money issues, owes money to the IRS, had had vehicles repossessed and lives with my 77 year old mother-in-law for free despite making about $75,000 a year. She works full time to pay the mortgage. My husband’s sister is 53, makes a very good living, but never met a dollar that she didn’t like to spend. She has nothing saved for retirement and has lived with a verbally abusive boyfriend for 18 years. He makes a lot of money and she doesn’t want to downscale her lifestyle.
Our believe has always been that we share all the expenses. Everything each of us makes is pooled, bills are paid, money put in retirement and savings, and then we decide who any surplus will be spent. We never make a significant purchase without talking it over first. Our idea of marriage is that we share everything, both the good and the bad.
I’m with you Punkin Pye, on this one. I believe expenses should be shared in a marriage, and agreed upon together how income is spent. I also agree that communication is key. Larry Burkett is a great advisor to follow. I also side with Dave Ramsey who has very similar beliefs. I also don’t intend to make the same mistake I did of living with a man prior to marriage…but that’s a personal belief I have based on the Bible. Not everyone shares that devotion. In the meantime, I will enjoy this single chapter of my life, being a careful steward of my money.
Being a strong and financially independent women is the best thing in the world! I learned that after my first marriage ended! In my second marriage (I was single for 9 years) we have his/hers/ours because of the baggage we both acquired from our first spouses! It works for us and we do work towards common financial goals but we also keep some independence 🙂
Tim’s finances were ridiculous when he moved in with me. Since I was on disability, the actual utilities were reduced. So he started paying half the rent.
Of course, we got engaged so quickly that we just pooled our finances. He was the one with a paycheck, and I was the one with a debt-repayment plan. So there wasn’t much worry about who was paying for what. It was “OK, this is the money for the month, let’s make sure everything gets covered and the rest is thrown at debt.”
It took us 8 years to finally decide to move in together. We also spent 6 months aboard, our first time really together and it helped a lot. When it comes to finances, we were very open from the get-go, so there were little chances of any surprises. It’s indeed VERY important to have the money talk before moving in together though.