In honor of Valentine’s Day, a shout-out to all engaged couples: You don’t have to spend the alleged “average” of $30,000 on your nuptials.
In fact, I think it’s smart to consider what you can afford – on your own or with help from family – vs. what wedding planners are so eager to sell to you.
Holly Johnson of Get Rich Slowly agrees with me. “Thirty Gs is a lot of money to everyone I know, and the last thing most of us want is to start a new marriage off with tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt,” she said in an article called “Wedding savings accounts: How I saved for my wedding.”
Johnson’s wedding was low-key, with a total outlay of about $3,000. And guess what? They’re just as married as folks who plan to spend 10 times that amount.
A friend of mine began her marriage in debt for the ceremony, despite the fact that she and her family did as much of the work as possible. The day after the wedding, her husband’s place of employment burned down and he was jobless for a year. Need I point out how much more stressful that debt made that year?
Getting married is a delightful life transition, but it’s also challenging. Don’t add to it by starting your life together in the hole.
All hands on deck
When my daughter got married in 2008, she and her fiancée had been planning and saving for two years. They went the long-engagement route because they were determined to pay off consumer debt resulting from uninsured medical care.
Sure, they wanted a party with friends. They just didn’t want to go back into the red to have it. They used a ton of frugal hacks, planned carefully and decided on a two-year engagement in order to be able to pay cash as they went. (For specific details, see “Wedding bill blues.”)
Of course, not hiring others to do the work meant we had to handle it ourselves. I worked with my stepmom and sister to put together the platters; for a while it felt like we’d never finish cutting up all the vegetables and fruits. My niece worked steadily at the flowers while Abby and her bridesmaids decorated the place.
Tim and a bunch of dudes (including my dad, who’d flown in from New Jersey) set up chairs and tables and got the sound system up and running. They iced down the drinks and did whatever chores we handed them.
Do it your way
After the reception we had to put away the tables and chairs, wrap up the leftovers for guests to take home and clean up the hall. My little Chevy Cavalier was crammed with boxes of wedding supplies and some of those leftovers (especially the cake – it was the richest, densest chocolate cake I’ve ever eaten, so I froze a ton of it).
By the time I got the car unloaded and everything put away I was shaking with fatigue. Still had to go to school the next day, and to present a project at the university’s undergraduate research symposium two days after that.
Totally worth it. My girl had a lovely wedding and she and her new husband didn’t go broke getting it.
So hello young lovers, wherever you are, and allow me to give you a bit of advice: Don’t pay attention to what bridal magazines say. If you don’t want a unity candle or a dozen attendants or a destination wedding, then don’t have them.
Make your day the one that you want. But please make it one you can afford.
Readers: Got any tips on keeping weddings within budget?
Related reading:
- What will love cost you?
- The wedding gift as price of admission
- Between the (budget) sheets
- You know what’s hot? A money date
We got married in the morning and had a jazz brunch for a wedding reception. A friend of my sister’s from the local music school played the keyboard and sang. This worked because my mother’s family doesn’t dance. We also limited our guest list (much as we hated to), limited the bar service, and I had only one attendant, my younger sister. We found our dresses on clearance. DH and his groomsmen wore business suits, not tuxedos. Plus we got married in April, which is not a popular time for weddings.
Our neighbor’s daughter got married on a Friday night in early June and saved $5K just by moving the date up one day. Her mother-in-law’s DF served as DJ and he was loads of fun. There are plenty of ways to have a beautiful wedding on the cheap, but it takes effort and commitment on the part of all involved: bride, groom, and both sets of parents/stepparents.
My wedding was a penny pincher’s dream.
I was married in a white lacy formal I found on the clearance rack for $35. The ceremony was held in my parents’ living room with my aunt who lived next door providing the wedding “luncheon.” Then we hosted a beer/champagne reception with finger food and cake for all of our friends in the backyard. Two ladies from church made the food for a donation to their circle (my new in-laws paid for this). An old friend of my father’s who was a minister presided over the ceremony, and another friend of my mother’s decorated the house with his prize roses.
The secret of the whole cost is in the friends and family who were so dear to me and wanted my day to be special.
It was.
“The secret of the whole cost is in the friends and family who were so dear to me and wanted my day to be special.”
I like that.
Here’s our, “the wedding post”: https://nicoleandmaggie.wordpress.com/2010/11/29/the-wedding-post/
Thanks!
I wanted a really nice wedding and I have a huge family. My hubby wanted a big wedding because his first marriage was in the County Clerk’s office and was a complete disappointment. I cannot say my wedding was frugal but it was paid cash and no money wasted on things I didn’t want. I planned and bought and put away the things I wanted, most bought on sale, some on Ebay, most over the internet for over two years. I bought my gorgeous dress two years early because it was on clearance and it fit beautifully! We had it at the country club where we lived and they did a wonderful job at a very discounted price. The amount I paid per person included the locations, ceremony, cocktail hour and reception, open bar, Hors d’oeuvres, salad, entree, dessert, coffee and cake! All of this at about 30% of what the nearby Radisson wanted to charge. I did take risks, the DJ offered me a 50% discount if I paid in advance and in full. Fortunately, he did a great job and he had three locations to set up, so we saved about $800.00. We didn’t bother with gift for the wedding party, my sister, his brother. I did the menus, place settings, table cards, programs and I wrote the ceremony. I bought little boxes and decorated them and filled them with candy for about 12 cents each for favors. My folks gave us the flowers, we have had flower related businesses in the past and have many contacts, and a dear friend (a florist) made and gave me my bouquet. The groom and my father had to make the delivery. What we did spend money on was great pictures and video, for the memories. All in all we spent a little over $10,000.00, paid in cash, for a wedding that hosted 125 people and my hubby and I remember and enjoyed every minute of it.
“Enjoyed every minute of it” is the takeaway. It sounds like you had a heck of a bash for the money spent. Well done!
$10,000 for that many people — and getting everything you want — isn’t a bad deal. And the point is that you had the money to spend. You chose to spend it on that.
Also, I too got my dress almost two years before the big day. Not as cheap as yours, though. We went to a bridal expo to see what there was to see. A $1,000 dress was 50% off. (And Mom pitched in more than half.)
It was lovely, and random passersby gave me compliments. So that was decided. It was also a corset back, which means I didn’t have to worry as much about my weight.
My daughter and son in law had the $30 k wedding. Not sure if it was worth it, but they are both PhDs, so good for them!
i have always said that everyone who gets married ends up with the same piece of paper that proves it… No sense in spending an outrageous amount of money. The focus should be on the marriage, not the wedding! The most important thing is that you are marrying the right person for the right reason!
Your daughter is smart for most weddings is just a big show and a waste of money. I believe its better to spend modestly the first time and then maybe years down the road throw a big bash. They are great examples to other couples.
We actually did do this! It was not a LOT of years down the road but the event was memorable in that it became the reason for a reconciliation with a family member I’d once been close to and that was, not to be cliched, worth almost every penny.
Of course we paid for everything ourselves as well as for new clothes for our parents for the occasion.
Bought my dress from JC Penney and got my shoes from Goodwill for my daughter’s wedding. We also gave them a check and I paid for the flowers. They were thrilled at what we did. Made the favors too. Bottom line, it was their wedding, but it still cost them and not me. And they saved for the entire year and we did too!
We were married by the local magistrate at the county courthouse, with just a few friends as witnesses. As we were preparing to say our vows, the magistrate asked if we would like to do it under the old oak tree in front of the courthouse. Beautiful setting, and the weather was perfect. She must have done something right, because we’ve been hitched 22 years and counting.
We are thinking of holding a big party to celebrate our 25th anniversary, and perhaps renew our vows, and if we do, we’ll certainly use a lot of frugal hacks–making our own favors, doing much of the food and decorating ourselves, and so on. This post and the comments have prompted me to start thinking and making plans–never too early to start planning!
I’ve dubbed 2015 “the year of the wedding”. Two of our three are getting married. DD1 is a destination wedding at an all inclusive resort so we just had to pay for a 1 week vacation: $2,700. She had a chapel wedding to make things legal in the states and we paid for the lunch afterwards: $400 for 20 people. We will also be hosting a party at our home for those that were unable to attend (or if those that attended want to continue to celebrate). We expect about 80 people so will have to rent tables/chairs etc. I’ve budgeted $1500 for that celebration and DD1 is paying the caterer.
DS is getting married in July in San Diego which will necessitate another trip as we are in NorCal. This is going to be a big cost wedding because that is what the bride’s mother wanted. DS and fiancé got married in a civil ceremony on Christmas Even because her mom was diagnosed with brain cancer the previous August. Things were not looking good so they tried to get as much of the celebration in before her passing. She died at the end of January (two days after a wedding shower). The July wedding will go on as planned because that’s how the mom wanted her money used. We will be paying for the flowers and rehearsal dinner. With hotel/travel costs, etc., I expect we will probably spend between $3-4,000.
Our niece is getting married in May and DD1’s BFF is marrying in Sept. She may as well have been our daughter as the two were always together–all the way through college. Nephew is marrying in Boston in August. We will have to miss that one but will send a gift.
There you have it: the year of the wedding!
Sounds pretty lively. Hope it’s also lovely.
This February 15th will be the 30th anniversary of our first meeting. March 15th, 2016 will be our 30th wedding anniversary. My wedding cost $500 including my dress, and my bridesmaid dress. We were married in my husband’s grandfather’s parlor.
My husband’s father was a music minister so the minister he served under performed the wedding. I had a bouquet for myself and my bridesmaid, boutonnieres for my husband and his best man, and a flower arrangement for the mantel piece. We paid a lady who made cakes out of her home for a wedding cake decorated with strawberries and the ladies in the church provided finger food and pink lemonade. I bought a beautiful blown glass unicorn for the cake topper and a blown glass cinderella carriage for the table. My husband’s uncle, who is an award winning amateur photographer, took the wedding pictures. I could not find anything in the stores in white, so I bought a beautiful custard yellow dress with a lovely yellow hat. I gave my bridesmaid money to buy her dress so she would not have to put out for the expense.
Sure, it might have been nice to have had a big church wedding with all the trimmings, but this wedding very eloquently represented our values. We simply refused to go into debt. I also wanted to concentrate on the occasion itself instead of the window dressing. After the wedding, my mother-in-law, who had been a church organist for 25 years, confided in me that she had seen precious few weddings over the years that she truly thought were joyful. She included her own formal church wedding. She told me that it was just a big show and that she was so stressed she didn’t enjoy a minute of it, a complaint I’ve heard from many other women since then. My husband also confided in me that his mother’s parents had to take out a mortgage on their farm to provide her with her “dream” wedding, a fact that she is still unaware of to this day.
Thirty years later, people tell us that we are a rare couple. Despite illness and the daily grind, the magic and love has never left our marriage. I would trade that for a big wedding any day.
Isn’t a wedding what you want it to be? I cherish my photos, the bridal gown. It has actually got me through some very hard times. Both girls had handkerchiefs made from my wedding gowns. It’s a very personal decision.
It is a very personal decision. I’m just suggesting that people spend intentionally vs. buying in (as it were) to the wedding industrial complex.
“She told me that it was just a big show and that she was so stressed she didn’t enjoy a minute of it, a complaint I’ve heard from many other women since then.”
Sigh.
“Despite illness and the daily grind, the magic and love has never left our marriage. I would trade that for a big wedding any day.”
Yay!
I personally am glad that my daughter was able to afford the wedding of her dreams and not my dreams!!! Yeah her!
I married last year and had a perfect day. The ceremony: clearance dress, low cost comfortable shoes, limited flowers, 2 attendants, decorated 2 pews with ribbons, decorated front of church with my icons brought from home. Hubby wore a new suit with white shirt and white tie. Best man wore his good suit. Photographer for 1.5 hours for portraits after ceremony. Organist for service. Everyone loved the ceremony.
Reception lunch package with cocktail hour for great price because of small group at a restaurant that doesn’t normally have room for weddings. ..no dance floor. No band. Limited alcohol. Great cake. No favors – no one cared. Everyone noticed the great food.
At the end of the day paid in full.
Then there was my friend Pete, who was still paying off wedding/honeymoon debt when the marriage dissolved two years later.
I had a co-worker that was happily in his second marriage and still paying off the first $36K wedding! That payment would hurt!
Ouch.
My daughter was married last year and the wedding and festivities were over $30K. I was very open from the beginning with what I was able to put towards the wedding. Since both kids come from divorced families I told the kids to sit with each parent and see what help they could offer and work the budget from there. Needless to say…I almost doubled my $10K offer but some of it was just cause that was what we wanted….we have beautiful memories and are very grateful for the beautiful day that was given us.
I totally agree!
We did end up spending a touch over $20K, which disappointed my frugal heart, but we had waited a few years between the very cheap legal ceremony and the family celebration. Nothing took away the sting of not having Mom there, the person who really wanted that big ‘do for me, but there was something very heartwarming to have family I’d not seen in over a decade show up and pick up like we’d never been parted. I’m not sure when we would have been reunited if it weren’t for the wedding.
And it was rather priceless discovering a sense of humor I’d never known in aunts and uncles, hearing well wishes that revealed a very sweet side of their marriages. I never ever would have expected to hear an uncle wish us as much laughter in our marriage as theirs.
Given the way my family is, we’d not have had those experiences without the wedding that we spent on.
I always knew I wanted to a very quiet, private wedding and no reception. My (now) husband and I used airline miles to fly to my hometown of San Francisco (we live in the east now), where we had a city hall wedding. (SF City Hall is gorgeous.) We both got Fairmont Hotel credit cards, which gave each of us two free nights plus daily breakfast as our signing bonus, so we had four nights and four breakfasts at one of my favorite hotels free of charge. I wore a navy silk Brooks Brothers shift dress I had gotten on sale several years before (always stick with the classics; they are never out of style). I had never had the “I wanna be a princess!” mentality, so no desire for a wedding dress or flowers. I didn’t want traditional wedding photos either; we handed our digital camera to some of the other couples waiting to be married and they snapped some pictures of us (we got lucky; great pictures). All we paid for was food and ground transportation and we had our perfect wedding.
Our wedding was about $3000-$3500 since we had it at the pretty chapel on our university campus, had 50 guests, held the reception on campus too, and Sam’s Club provided most of the food. We started our lives together the week after I graduated from college, so we didn’t have that many friends yet, lol. It was lovely and ended up great!
Abby’s meats, cheeses, fruits and veg came from Sam’s, too — courtesy of MyPoints gift cards.
My biggest tip is limiting the guest list. Not only does it save tons of $ on food, favors, etc it also allows you time to mingle & visit with EVERYONE! Other tips include combining the ceremony/reception location, finding a venue with aesthetic appeal to cut down on decoration costs, & deciding what really matters. For example, do you really NEED a 5 tier wedding cake decorated in elaborate fondant designs? Or are you only doing it to keep up with the Joneses? FYI, I understand that particular aspect might be important to some people (like maybe my best friend who is a pastry chef lol), and that’s ok. I’m just saying figure out what’s most important to you & what won’t matter a year down the road. For me, photography is one of the most important aspects so I’m willing the splurge in that area.
What I’m saying! Make it a day that you and your sweetheart will treasure. Don’t be sold on “traditions” that (a) don’t matter to you and (b) may have been recently invented to make money for somebody besides pastry chefs.