S#!t my boyfriend says: He just won’t stop.

Recently I read an article about feral hogs from Canada that might spread into the United States. Given my partner’s punny tendencies, you’d think a “Canadian bacon” joke would be forthcoming.

Nothing that simple issued forth, however. Instead, DF claimed there’s a group that wants to save those poor, downtrodden swine: “It’s called ‘Hamnesty International’.”

As regular readers know, my partner and I adore wordplay. They also know that every so often, I publish a collection of his best (worst?) efforts.

The habit was inspired by the “Sh*t My Dad Says” books/Twitter feed/television show. [As an Amazon affiliate, I may receive a small fee for items bought through my links.]

Obviously I don’t share all his puns. Some are too local, and some are too naughty. But some of them are too good (bad?) to keep to myself.

If you aren’t a fan of the lowest form of humor, you might want to stop here. The rest of you know what you’re in for, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Here we go:

Road noise

A group of modern nomads (as in, those who travel around in vans and RVs a la the “Nomadland” book and film) got really tired of the dull-as-dirt conversation from one of their number. The person just had nothing interesting to say.

One day, they torched his ride just to get rid of him. DF said it became known as the “Van Fire of the Banalities.”

 

I knew he was going to say that

One day I mentioned needing to do some work on social media. DF asked if I knew that you can now hire a psychic to determine who had unfriended you. Apparently this job title is “social medium.”

 

Job titles, part 2

For some reason the topic of English soccer came up. He suggested a job title for the personal trainer who specializes in helping male clients improve their pecs: the man-chester.

 

Really milking it

Apparently there’s a big legal battle going on between the makers of Coffee-Mate and an oat-milk producer. It’s known as “Creamer vs. Creamer.”

 

Flag that play!

On a particularly breezy morning, I was distracted by the sight of two flags flapping in the distance, a sight alternately obscured and revealed as tree limbs shivered in the wind.

At first I wasn’t sure what I was seeing, so I said it was an optical illusion. DF suggested that this shouldn’t be mistaken for confused viewings caused by drinking too much beer: “Hop-tical illusions.”

 

Sounds fishy

One day I mentioned the phrase “carpe diem.” DF said it came from the old Latin custom of color-enhancing overly pale fish before serving them. “Carp? Dye ’em.”

 

Highly unlikely

An apropos-of-nothing moment from DF: “As the editor said to the cannabis industry reporter, ‘Get off your high source’.”

 

Another leafy pun

DF turned some Tuscan baby kale into chips by tossing them with a little olive oil and salt, then dehydrating them. I mentioned it was a way to get kale into a person without making them cry.

He agreed: “If you just serve them boiled, it’s a kale of tears.”

 

No respect for the law

This one’s a bit obscure, but here goes: Marshal Dillon suggested that Miss Kitty change out the batwing doors of her saloon for a solid wood door with the doorknob on the right side.

Why? Because the average outlaw would have to shift his gun to his left hand in order to open the door, which would give the marshal a slight tactical advantage.

The actual advice from DF: “Kitty, door the bar!”

 

School days

One morning DF met me in the hallway and said, “Did you hear about the drowsy disciplinarian at the school for bad kids? He got fired because they found him asleep at the switch.”

 

Slice of life

For some reason I was humming the song, “Everybody Ought to Have a Maid,” from “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.” DF said he envisioned a magician whose assistant was wearing one of those daring French maid’s uniforms.

The prestidigitator, of course, would be singing “Everybody Ought to Halve a Maid.”

 

And here’s one of mine

I asked DF if he knew where that magician keeps his business records.

He did not know.

I responded, “In his ledger domain.”

(Serves him right.)

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