Spoiler alert: This post reveals crucial plot details from “The Walking Dead.” Read on at your own risk.

The Internet imploded last night with the winter opener of Season 10 of “The Walking Dead.” Not because a beloved character was killed (although two were put in dead-or-not?* peril), or because a villain got one over on the good guys (that had already happened, at the end of the fall season).

Much worse than that, apparently: Two arch villains (#NeganandAlpha) were shown about to have sex. Specifically, we were treated to a wide shot of the two, naked except for black socks, embracing in the woods.

Social media rang with screams of outrage:

“Whoever thought that last shot of Alpha and Negan would be a good idea should be fired.”

“My eyes. I will never recover.”

“And I thought the zombie in a well scene was nasty.”

“Negan and Alpha getting down and dirty was more disturbing and disgusting than Negan killing** Glenn.”

(The socks were mentioned, too, especially on the post-game wrapup on “The Talking Dead.” Hey, at least they weren’t wearing them with sandals.)

Here’s my admittedly biased theory: A bunch of these folks just can’t handle the idea of middle-aged, physically imperfect people getting it on. One Twitter commenter moaned, “It was like watching my parents have sex.”

Guess what, Kevin: Your parents probably do have sex. A lot of middle-aged (and older) people have sex.

And guess what again, Kevin: We’re probably better at it than you are.

 

We’re better at it because we have experience, and because it’s often happening in the context of a mature and loving relationship. We’re less likely to hem and haw and more likely to ask for what we want, in terms of both physical touch and emotional connection.

And even though some of us are a little dismayed by the ways our bodies have changed with age, that can be managed. One of the biggest aphrodisiacs of all is seeing your partner’s eyes go helpless with love when you enter the room – even if you’ve set the lights on low ahead of time and are swathed in a bathrobe.

 

 

Sex happens, even post-apocalypse

 

DF doesn’t watch the show, but he was amused by the kerfuffle. He made a pretty snarky observation: that the startling scene was likely “the closest to sex that some of the folks who use the Internet are ever going to get.”

<<Zombie consumerism>>

“The Walking Dead” has depicted sex in the past, but always with young and attractive (if slightly grimy) people doing the deed. This time around, the couple is quite dirty; after all, the last time they bathed was the last time they got caught out in the rain. They’re definitely older; Negan’s hair and beard are partly gray and he’s kind of skinny, and Alpha has a slight belly from having borne a child.

In reality? Samantha Morton, who plays Alpha is 42 years old. Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who portrays Negan, is 53 years old. Oh, to be 53 again!

Somehow I keep thinking that if it had been Maggie and Glenn, or Rick and Michonne, or Daryl and Carol doing the rude thing, it would have been perceived as romantic or even heroic: Even in the midst of post-zombie-apocalypse horror, with food scarce and deodorant scarcer, our heroes cannot deny their love for each other!

Old people, though: Eeeewww.

To all you horripilated ducklings: Get off your swoon couches and grow up. You seem to be just fine with a show that specializes in gross-and-grosser ways of killing zombies (and humans), physical and mental torture, threatened or attempted sexual assault (including the assault of a young teen), the ongoing coerced sex (i.e., rape) of members of Negan’s harem and, of course, zombie bods in various stages of decomposition.

But….but….Negan and Alpha are old! And dirty! And SOCKS*** – they were wearing their socks! (Plus the mask made of a dead woman’s face that Alpha was wearing, which I agree is pretty appalling.)

 

 

Love or long game?

 

When you think about it, Alpha putting the moves on Negan is its own form of coerced sex (again: rape). She has all the power in the camp, and a pretty ferocious knife. In fact, earlier in the episode she threatened to emasculate Negan (throwing in a couple of preliminary jabs to show she meant business) if he didn’t watch his step.

But when she propositions him, she calls it a “crass reward” for a crass man.

Negan being Negan, he moved from shock to, “Sure!” in fewer than six seconds.

Some fans think this woodland encounter is part of the Negan’s evil game plan. I agree the character is likely playing the long con, with an aim toward taking out the leader and her second-in-command. The question is whether he’s looking to eliminate the evil Whisperers to redeem himself or whether, years after losing his own crew, he’s looking to become a little tin Hitler once more.

Or maybe it isn’t part of his plan. Maybe he just wants to get some: Even as he fears that once Alpha is through with him she might cut his head off, praying-mantis-style, Negan muses, “It’s been a long time. I reckon I will take my chances.”

Were I caught in the post-zombie-apocalypse, I might also want to grab any chance to be embraced. Our ability to reach out to others, and our need for touch, are two of the things that makes us human. However, I’d probably ask the other person take off the skin mask.

*Dead doesn’t always mean dead in this show. Sometimes the person stages a comeback (a human one).

**Negan beat Glenn to death with a barbed-wire-covered baseball bat, in full view of his friends and his pregnant wife. But sure, nekkid Negan was much worse.

***Middle-aged people from Alaska often leave their socks on during amorous adventures. It’s chilly up here, guys.