I was at the post office today mailing two long-delayed giveaway prizes (sorry, Diana and Denise — they’re on their way!). A young man came in carrying an infant car seat. While waiting in line I saw him smiling at the baby and making the occasional funny face. What a loving father, I thought.
As I got into my vehicle I saw two little boys, aged about 3 and 4, in the adjacent vehicle. One of the children caught my eye and smiled. The car’s windows were rolled down. No adult was in sight.
I started to back out of the parking space — and then pulled forward once more. It just didn’t seem right to leave two kids unsupervised.
Eventually their dad returned. You guessed it: He was the guy carrying the car seat.
“What took you so long, daddy?” one boy asked fretfully.
Good question.
Another good question: Was I being paranoid or prudent?
Prudent, I think. Dammit.
Look, I don’t like assuming the worst. But it is — and, unfortunately, needs to be — our first line of defense. If you think I overreacted, kindly read the story of Alisa Maier. Last week the 4-year-old was kidnapped right out of the front yard where she and her brother were playing. For some reason she was let go the next day. The man believed to have taken her was a convicted sex offender who shot himself when the police approached his home.
Our Amber-alerted world
I happened to be checking the time on my cell phone when the young father entered the post office. It was 12:52 p.m. He didn’t return to his car until 1 p.m.
A lot could happen in eight minutes.
I don’t know if child abductions are occurring more often or if we’re simply more aware of them in our Amber-alerted world. What I do know is that it’s permeated our culture to the point where my niece was given coupons good for free children’s meals plus free child identification kits.
I don’t think that fingerprinting and photographing your kids is a bad idea, even as I mourn the need to be so damned wary. My great-nephew is currently grounded, in fact, because while playing at the park next to his house he went home with a kid he’d just met. Malachi’s mom had no idea where he was. He’d been told to stay in the park.
Malachi is almost 9 years old. But like other ADHD kids, he doesn’t always follow directions. I wonder if a clean-cut, young-looking sex offender with a pocket full of Pokemon cards could entice Malachi to come over and play video games.
I like to think that my nephew would know better. In fact, I’ve told him what comedian DL Hughley advises: If anyone tries to mess with you, scream “I don’t know this motherf—-r!” as loudly as possible. But maybe Malachi would be too entranced by the sight of a holographic Jirachi to remember his instructions.
Should I have stayed?
I’m sorry for today’s children because I remember the freedom of my own youth, of being able to disappear for hours at a time to play with friends. No one ever warned me not to take candy from strangers. I once saw the Robert Louis Stevenson book “Kidnapped” and had to ask what the word meant. When my grandmother babysat us in the summer, she’d leave us in the car while she shopped. Just like the boys today, we’d sit there with the windows rolled down, smiling at people who walked past.
A lot could have happened in eight minutes back then, too. If a stranger had said he needed to drive us home because our grandmother was sick, we probably would have gone. After all, we’d been taught to obey adults.
Today’s kids may be more savvy than we were. But every day strangers walk off with children not their own. Please, parents: No matter how quick your errand is, do not leave your kids by themselves. Chances are that nothing will happen while you’re in the drugstore or picking up your mail. But you really can’t be sure.
Probably nothing would have happened to those boys today even if I’d just driven off. On the other hand, the guy with the Pokemon cards might have showed up.
What do you think, readers? Would you have stayed around until the dad showed up?
Honestly I don’t know, I am so conflicted right now… Here I am in a stable marriage with two good incomes, safe, responsible, loving & taking fertility meds that mess with me just TRYING to conceive & everywhere I look I see incompetent, irresponsible morons who do NOT appreciate the beautiful gifts that they have. So on a strong day I would stay & watch over them. On a rough day I would drive away before I started crying, again, over the injustice of someone who wouldn’t think twice about leaving young children alone in a car having them in the first place.
(gimme a break on the grammar with this one please)
Before I get yelled at for allowing my son to go to a park unsupervised, let me say that my house is right next to the park in question. Not down the street or a few houses down, it is literally right next door. I’m also trying to get my son to be more responsible and to think for himself. Think Spiderman…”With great power (being allowed to play at the park without me), comes great responsibility (being where you say you will be or asking permission before changing venues).” Of course, as the grounding would indicate, he is still working on this skill.
Yes. Let me stress, once again, that the place is NEXT TO his house. As in, she can look over from mowing the lawn and see him.
She is a good mom. And he is a normal kid, i.e., he makes mistakes in judgment.
First, I may or may not have stuck around depending on how distracted I was and I commend you for doing so.
As far as the safety of our children I think the biggest threat to our kids is the way we think. The problem is we’re very deluded and we lie to ourselves about the level of our safety. The truth is, there were just as many pedophiles when you were a child as there are now, probably more as attitudes on this behavior have changed a great deal over the last 100 years. Your childhood seemed simpler, safer, more wholesome because you were lucky and weren’t exposed to the seedier side of life. A lot of other children that grew up with you were though. I say this as someone who was sexually assaulted as a kid not by one person, not by two, but by many and as someone who knows a lot of people, old and young, who were as well.
Another way we lie to ourselves is by telling ourselves that our kids are safe because they aren’t exposed to ‘bad people’. People who live immoral lives, criminals, etc. The truth is most victims of sexual abuse are abused by their family or friends of the family. Your kids are much more likely to be targeted by someone you know that by some stranger who kidnaps them at the park.
We also tell ourselves that the internet is where are the predators are. The truth is the people on the internet are the same people you see in everyday life. Being on a computer doesn’t give a predator magical powers to pied piper your kid to a secluded place. They are no more and no less dangerous than predators you’d meet at work, the grocery store or church.
So how do we protect our kids? We can’t lock them up forever or be with them every second of every day. All we can do is be reasonably vigilant. Know where our kids are and who they are with. Monitor their computer use. Educate them about the risks and teach them how to protect themselves. And most importantly, teach your kids that NO ONE has the right to touch them in a sexual or violent way, not even you, and that no matter what anyone else says if they feel uncomfortable for any reason they can always come to you.
Predators control through shame and fear. Teach your kids to be confident and to know when to question authority.
To find out how many predators live in your neighborhood go to http://www.familywatchdog.us/ . I live in a nice family oriented middle class neighborhood and there are about 20 within five minutes of my house. There are almost 800 within 30 minutes of my house.
@Blessed: Oh, the danger was always there. In fact, a friend of mine was raped by a relative at age 11 and never told her parents. She didn’t tell me until we were in high school.
I don’t like the phrase “stranger danger” for that reason: It gives kids the feeling that only somebody you don’t know would ever hurt you.
And yes, his mom wants him to learn to make smart choices and be confident. Just in case, though, I want him to keep DL Hughley’s magic phrase at hand.
Thanks for reading, and for leaving a comment.
This story struck a chord for me because my kids are 3 and 4. It is such a hassle to have to drag them out of the car each and every time I go out–especially for the short run to the post office–but here in Virginia it’s against the law to leave children in the car unattended. It’s even against the law to leave pets in the car when temps outside are above 75 or so. What worries me is what would I do if saw young children unattended like that? I’m supposed to call the police, I think!!
I, too remember the days of when we kids (there were four of us) would wait in the car while my mom went shopping. My sister and I were a bit older than our brothers, and the times I remember put us anywhere from 10 to 11 years old. My brothers would have been 4 or 5. I guess we were “semi-babysitting!” I can understand the father not wanting to deal with a baby and two young kids, but maybe going later when his SO was home to watch the kids would have been the better option. I’m thinking about that one boy’s comment..”what took you so long?” A four year old is capable of opening a car door, and 3-4 year old logic being what it is, that little guy might have easily decided to get out and go look for dad. Or both little guys! Now were talking about the possibility of a child being hit by a car or something. Would I have waited? I like to think so, but like the mothers above I may have been too busy or distracted. This post makes me think twice about it, though. If I ever see something like that in my future, I believe this post will float up in my conscience while I wrestle with my decision!
I second BlesseedBlogger in the fact that most sexual abuse is actually committed by someone the victim knows. I think with the 24hour news cycle, it just makes the threat of stranger danger seem much more serious. Similar to the fact that air travel is actually safer than car travel, yet air crashes get much more media coverage.
What I would be concerned about is if he left the air conditioner running (we’re having 110 heat indexes here in Kansas) for their comfort. Also, if they really were about 3 & 4, those boys could make some poor decisions. They could get bored, decide to pretend to drive, and accidentally put the car in gear. They could have to use the restroom, get out of the car, and accidentally walk into traffic.
I definitely think this wasn’t a smart choice by the dad, but I do think that sometimes we’re a bit more overprotective when we maybe don’t need to be.
@Dawn K: The windows were rolled down because it’s not very hot here in Anchorage. And yes, I agree that kids sometimes do make poor choices like jiggling the gearshift or walking into a store because they have to go to the bathroom.
I also agree that there are too many “helicopter” parents around. There has to be balance somehow.
Thanks for reading.
With cars, even for 4 year olds, I am much more concerned with heat than I am with predators. Although there’s a lot of media attention with predators, the chance of a child being taken is much smaller than the chance of a car, even if it isn’t that hot outside, overheating and causing health problems for the occupants.
Ages 3 and 4 are definitely too young to be left alone in a car at the post-office for any reason.
Leah– good luck! Fertility meds are horrible, but the results are sometimes quite wonderful.
I also grew up in the days when kids were left in the car while parents ran quick errands. And, coincidentally, it was while my mom was in the post office one day that I managed to shift the car in neutral and the car rolled backwards into another car. I was about 4 or 5 years old. Other dangers besides kidnapping exist when you leave your kids in the car. Like Kelly mentioned above, they can just decide to get out of the car and wander into the street. I would have (and have done this) waited like you did, Donna.
I would have liked to wait, but I may have been villified for “harassing” two little kids. That same loving father could have become rabid at me, a stranger, for watching them and making sure they were ok. Seems to me like most parents nowadays don’t like any stranger around their kids.
I’d say 3-4 years old is too young to be left alone for more than a minute.
We try to give our kids (8 & 6) well-defined parameters for their independence, where we can check up on them and know when and where to expect them to be. Violating our trust makes their worlds small and boring (not necessarily grounded, but no independence either) for some time to come. Each kid is different, so we have to test them to see whether they are responsible enough to handle being on their own for anything.
Among the parents at our kids’ school, we find ourselves more liberal about this than many other parents. I think it’s a luxury that we’re around enough to keep them supervised most of the time.
I would have quietly waited. I have done it before and I’d do it again. And, I’d probably ask the dad why he left his two little kids in the car while he ran into a store? I’m older now and can get away with more. More than once I have “had a discussion” with a parent that was berating a child in public or leaving them alone in a car. Maybe they were angry with me at that moment but later on they thought about what I said. I certainly hope so.
I have been in a similar situation where I saw a young boy (probably 3 or 4) left alone in a car while his parent was in a store. The car was parked on the street, and I had seen him as I was walking by on the sidewalk. I decided to stay beside the car until the parent came back. When his mom did return, after about 5 minutes, I didn’t say anything to her. I just left.
I agree we can’t protect our kids forever. But to leave them in a car or a stroller unattended is just stupid. And I’m not perfect either. When my two children were very young, I left them in a stroller once while I ran back upstairs to my house to grab something I had forgotten. Anyone could have come by and grabbed them in those 2 minutes. Or what if a car had lost control on the street and crashed into them on the sidewalk? I’d have NEVER forgiven myself.
So yeah, I think you did the right thing.
I’d be more worried about the kids managing to put the car in neutral or leaving than being abducted (I’m assuming in Alaska that the heat damage isn’t that bad – here in Nevada, ever with the windows open, a car can be over 100 degrees in a matter of minutes, which is unsafe.) It never occured to me to leave my kids in the car – heck, it never happened with my mother – we always went in the stores with her. So I think you were right to hang out with the kids, even though I think your primary concern is misguided.
I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with a responsible kid going to the park alone.
Just FYI, everybody: I wasn’t helicoptering around their vehicle. I was sitting in my own, “reading” — but actually keeping an eye on the car. Had one of them gotten out I would have gone over and gently suggested that they get back in and wait for whoever was driving to return. In fact, I would also have offered to go in the post office and get the missing parent if the children had provided a description.
Last summer at a Seattle farmers market I found a little boy crying because he couldn’t see his mom anywhere. He didn’t know her name (other than “Mommy”), he couldn’t remember what she was wearing. I waited with him for a couple of minutes (which probably seemed like HOURS to him) and finally said, “Let’s go over to that table there. They tell people where things are. I bet they can help you find your mom.”
He was still crying, so I had a flash of inspiration. “Do you have a shopping bag?” I asked.
Asked that direct question, he stopped crying and said “No.”
I happened to be carrying my bag of shopping bags, which included a cute li’l one. “I have a bag that’s just your size,” I said. “I’m going to give it to you so that when you find your mom you can help her carry the vegetables.”
Huge grin from him, and no more tears. He clutched the bag as we walked to the information booth, where I left him with market officials. Five minutes later, I saw the little guy holding out his shopping bag while his mom put cherry tomatoes in it. Whew. Happy ending.
However….He had gone with me quite trustingly, even holding my hand. I bet he would have gotten in my car if I’d told him his mom called me on her cell and said to drive him home. Sure, I’m a motherly-looking middle-aged woman — but I could also have been a child molester or a murderer.
Please don’t turn your back on your kids, even for a second.
I think it’s great that you waited Donna. I would have too. This has always been a subject of concern to me. I am the mother of 2 children ages 14 and 7. I dont understand how people do these things. Even tho my children are older ,if I cant see them when we are out walking in the park then my heart skips a beat. I am a mother who always likes to know where her children are every second, and honestly I like them right in front of me most of the time. lol. The world has crazy horrible people in it, who do unspeakable things. My kids arent allowed to roam the neighborhood as I see many kids do and I dont see how some parents let there kids do that and not know if they are ok or where they are. When something happens to one of these children, God Forbid, the parents will act as if they dont know how it could have happened. I think if people want to have children, be a responsible parent, and watch them, take care of them, love them and be a parent.
I too remember leaving the house early on summer days and not returning until dinner time when I was a child. When I think of all the time me and my siblings spent unsupervised and how drastically times have changed for today’s children, it makes me very sad.
I had this same thing happen to me. I went in to a job interview and came out a half hour later and two kids about 6 and 8 we still in the car and it was COLD! I went back in and told the people that had just interviewed me what was going on. We called the police. And I got the job.
Kudos to you, Donna, for hanging around. Not sure I would even have thought of that. I would have been very mad, but perhaps not thought there was anything I could do. Thank you for sharing how you would have dealt with it.
When I was a child (not sure what age), my mom would leave me locked in the car while she did some grocery shopping (not in the heat). I don’t think she was any different from other moms in those days and I knew, looking back, that she just needed to get it done in a hurry.
But besides my being bored, the messages I took from it at the time were that I talked too much, and I was a nuisance. I’m sure that’s not the only reason I learned not to talk so much but it was one of them, and it took me into adulthood to get comfortable with being my outgoing self.
But of course, all that pales with the dangers of toddlers being left in an unlocked car…or any car. While raising my children – even during the time when we lived in a very safe area – my philosophy was that if they were old enough to drive (even if they didn’t yet drive), then, and only then, were they old enough to leave them alone in the car…provided it was their choice to be there.
Thank you for bringing up this subject.
I don’t have kids (don’t want them either) but I remember my mom leaving me in the car, or sitting on a bench outside the bank. I used to get lost at Kmart all the time too, because we were always allowed to run off to the toy section while mom shopped. I can’t believe she allowed that, but it was the 80s, we felt safer back then. I was the kind of kid that really did not like adults I didn’t know or like talking to me or touching me, so I’d like to think I’d run and scream if someone tried to hurt me. I wouldn’t even let me own cousin pick me up and put me in bed. Why would I? I just met him and didn’t know who he was.
I grew up in outside of a quiet midwestern city and was nearly abducted when I was walking home from kindergarten! I still remember the skinny, greasy haired couple who asked me if I wanted a puppy in the back of thier van. Fortunately I told them I couldn’t bring any pets home without asking my parents first which allowed another parent to step in and help me. The “don’t talk to strangers” lecture never crossed my mind. A few yrs back in CA an older couple in a truck approached me in a nearly empty grocery store parking lot at dusk and asked for directions. I loaded all 3 kids in car seats and was about to get in the car when the same “feeling” came upon me as it did 35 yrs earlier. Only 2 times in my life had I felt that sense of incredible fear and dread. Instead of walking closer to the truck, I pointed to where they needed to go and I got in the car, locked and doors and headed into traffic.
As a result of this I have learned a few valuable things:
-Big cities or sleepy little towns… these crimes can happen anywhere.
-Creeps still try to trick kids by using some sort of pet issue.
-Trust my instincts
-all adults have the responsibility to keep kids safe.
-There are teachable moments almost daily when I can teach my kids safety issues.
I learned about a flaw in my “don’t talk to strangers” lesson with my daughter one time when we were in an office building and she was (in full view of me) a ways away from me and a man started asking her questions which she very willingly answered in a friendly manner. He was a nice guy and no threat, but later I discussed this with her mentioning that she was not supposed to talk to strangers and she told me “he was not a stranger but just an ordinary person”. Turns out, she thought a “stranger” was some kind of monster. I then realized the problem and explained to her she was not to talk to any ordinary person that she had never met before. Glad we had the chance to clarify that one!
yep think/hope I would have stayed as well. Thank you for caring enough to stay.
It was a smart idea to just sit there and watch and wait. Personally, I would be pretty careful about approaching a child unless the child was in obvious immediate danger and there were witnesses around. People have become so paranoid, you could end up getting arrested yourself.
In Arizona it’s against the law to leave a child or a pet in a car, especially when it’s hot. Around here if people see that, they’ll go into a store and notify the manager, who will promptly call the cops.
That notwithstanding, every year a couple of kids die from having been locked up in an oven-like car. Interestingly, the furor is ever so much louder when it’s a dog that dies.
I also remember growing up in a company town (overseas) where people could safely allow their kids to play outside all day (or so they thought). Even when we came back to San Francisco, my friends and I were allowed to roam around without an adult hanging over our shoulders…though I’m sure my mother would flown into a frenzy if she’d known what we were up to. It also was commonplace for 12- and 14-year-olds to ride the public transport to school and waypoints. Today I wouldn’t let a nubile young thing get on a city bus alone, not on a bet.
The truth is, though, things haven’t changed. There have always been predators. How likely is it that we’re seeing a sudden plague of sexual perversion? When I was a child, people didn’t dwell on the matter…certainly parents knew it was possible for children to be kidnapped, molested, and murdered–the Lindbergh kidnapping was a memorable lesson–but people didn’t talk about it in public. I think it was considered not a fit topic of conversation.
Our culture has become so sexualized that people who do have trouble dealing with criminal impulses probably find it impossible to cope with them, with overt sexual messages around them all the time and young girls dressed like streetwalkers. Semi-Demi-Exboyfriend reports his 12-year-old grand-daughter dresses and behaves so suggestively that the mother’s boyfriend refuses to be in the house with her alone.
Probably instead of bemoaning the fact that we can’t let our kids play outdoors or wait five minutes in the car alone, we should be quietly alarmed that our own parents didn’t know any better.
You did the right thing because as you noted a lot could happen.
What would have been so hard about taking the boys in with him?
Good for you to watch the kids quietly! — I have tried to do the same when I’ve noticed small ones alone in a car — both for kidnapping and the heat issue. Recently read an article that showed how quickly cars overheat and every summer some 40 or so babies/children die in just this manner in this country — shocking and tragic and completely avoidable.
I was “scared straight” by my parents about strangers from an early age and had the run of the neighborhood (1960s) in a way that my daughter never had. While bemoaning our increased awareness of danger, we tried to arrange playtimes that gave her and pals the sense of freedom and forage that we enjoyed as kids while keeping a very protective eye. Not always easy, and the occasional flubs happened (losing sight of her at the market and even, God help me, Disneyland. Not my proudest moment.)
BUT — kids (even teens) are notoriously immortal in their own minds. Remember the old Dateline piece that showed high school girl after high school girl willingly leaving the mall to follow a strange man into a closed van parked outside with the promise of “becoming a model”? All he had to do was say how pretty she was and that he was scouting for new talent — instant trust established! The parents of the girls watching the videos later were beside themselves — each girl had been warned by their parents from babyhood about stranger danger, etc., and each assumed that their teens were old enough to know better. I allowed my daughter to be alone at the mall with friends from 12 – 13 years old, but now I wonder . It’s hard NOT to hover . . .
Thank you Donna for caring! I would have done the same thing, having 3 kids of my own I feel the need to care about all kids especially in potentially dangerous situations.
Donna, bless you for staying. Now that I’m heading toward my 50s, it’s more about doing right in the moment than caring who is right. I am so glad you trusted your instinct and stayed to make sure the little kids were ok. Parents are not perfect, and I believe it is part of being human and in community that calls us to step in when we can to care for others. You did the right thing.
Maybe somebody already mentioned this, but honestly, as the father of two boys aged 5 and 2, I would’ve called the police had I seen those two boys unattended.
There is no way that leaving two children that small unattended in a public place is acceptable. Donna I commend you for caring enough to watch them. I guess I take more of a hardline stance towards parents that do stuff like that. That was extremely irresponsible of the father.
@Todd: I’d decided that if no one showed up within 10 minutes I would call the cops. Not sure why I chose 10 minutes as the threshold. Now I wish I’d called them first thing, because if an officer had showed up fast enough it might have made an impact. To be told by a police officer that this was irresponsible (and, in Alaska, illegal) behavior might have made an impression.
Thank you for reading, and for leaving a comment.
I’ve just discovered this blog so I am slowly catching up.
Four years ago I had four of my nieces and nephews for the afternoon. We went to Jamba Juice for a treat.
As I was getting in the car I noticed the car next to me had a girl, less than 2, alone by herself, with no adults around anywhere. I picked up my cell phone and called the police and told my 13 y/o niece she was in charge. I went into the JJ and asked for a moment of silence.
When the blenders stopped I yelled as loud as I could: who is the idiot who left the child unattended in the car?
A man lef the line where he had been waiting for his drink and walked to the door, obivously enbarassed. he tried to leave the scene but my niece got out of the car and stood in front of his. The police were already there and stopped him but I was so proud of her.
I know they took the girl from him, car seat and all, and were taking her into protective custody when I left. I had to give a statement, as did the JJ manager and turn over tape of how long he had been inside, etc.
I will never regret doing it. It was a nice town, but the are was out of the way, and anything could have happened.