Goodbye, too soon.

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How quickly one’s world can change. Last Wednesday my father had a fairly comfortable night’s sleep at Cooper University Hospital. But early Thursday morning I got the call no one wants to receive.

I am heartbroken to report that Dad died at 5:09 p.m. Eastern on Thursday, Nov. 5, after nine days of hospitalization with COVID.

As I write this it has been fewer than 48 hours since he left us. It seems like centuries.

That call was from my sister, telling me that organ failure had set in and Dad would soon be removed from the ventilator, per his stated request. Before that, the hospital was willing to arrange a “Zoom farewell,” a particularly modern invention. Because of the COVID protocol, no one could visit. But we could dial in on our phones, laptops or tablets.

And we did: All of my siblings plus some of the grandchildren wept, reminisced, laughed, wept some more and let him know he was loved. Although he was sedated, the nurse said he could probably hear us.

 

Saying goodbye from afar

 

The hardest part? Knowing that I can’t go to the funeral.

New Jersey allows in-person services, with social distancing. But I have to face facts: I’m almost 63 years old, overweight and asthmatic. Flying on two planes through two major airports and into a state where cases are quickly rising wouldn’t be filial piety. It would be attempted suicide.

If it were just me, maybe I’d risk it. But Abby and DF have pleaded with me not to try. And they have a point: I don’t want for them to have to communicate with me via Zoom, feeling helpless because they weren’t allowed to be there.

That’s the image I can’t quite release. Dad spent the last nine days of his life alone, no family nearby. It stings, even though I know that he was often sleeping (or sedated into sleep), and that for the first few days he could talk on the phone.

I spoke with him once myself, the day after he was admitted. At that time his lungs were clear and his spirits were good. The fatigue was extreme – he said he could barely walk the six feet to the bathroom and back – but he sounded like his normal self. He even mentioned the hospital might cut him loose by the weekend.

We talked for maybe 20 minutes, until I became aware that I was selfishly using up all his energy. So I said, “I better let you go so you can get some rest. Talk to you soon.”

Dad signed off with usual, “Bye, pretty girl. Love you.”

And after that? At one point our family text chain included the fact that talking left Dad short of breath. I told my stepmom that I didn’t want to call if talking was going to do that. On her next call to him, she let him know everyone was thinking about him but not wanting to phone if it compromised his recovery.

Within three days, he was gone. And I am so, so glad that I had at least that one chance to talk together.

 

A peaceful goodbye

 

During the past week I was re-reading a chapter from Ray Bradbury’s “Dandelion Wine.” It’s the one in which the young protagonist Doug’s great-grandmother dies at home. She gently chides him for crying, explaining that she will be there the next day and all the other days, because she lived on in him. And then she settled back into her bed, aware that it was time to go.

A long time back, she thought, I dreamed a dream and was enjoying it so much when someone wakened me, and that was the day I was born. … Ninety years…how to take up the thread of that lost dream again?

Now, yes, now she saw it shaping in her mind quietly, and with a serenity like a sea moving along an endless and self-refreshing shore. … “It’s all right,” whispered Great-Grandma as the dream floated her. “Like everything else in this life, it’s fitting.”

And the sea moved her back down the shore.

I hope that’s the way Dad experienced his leave-taking. First he got to hear the people he loved telling him how fiercely they loved him in return. He was able to listen to the laughter as we recalled things we’d done together, and to our appreciation for the things he’d taught by example.

Then the medical team removed him from the ventilator. His death was quick, we were told, and painless due to the sedation. As this was happening, an angel nurse named Rachel held Dad’s hand and turned the radio to a country music station.

We couldn’t be there, but Rachel promised us he wouldn’t be alone. And he wasn’t.

Doug’s great-grandmother told him she’d always be there, and I know that Dad will always be with us. Every time we plant a tomato, check the oil in the car, re-purpose old lumber for a new project or help out a family member, we’ll be doing what he taught us: hard work, thrift, responsibility, caring about others and, yeah, eating tomato sandwiches.

What keeps me going through all this is the fact that Dad raised us to go to church. Because of that, I know that he has gone home. He is where he needs to be.

The dead don’t suffer. It’s only the living who grieve.

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108 thoughts on “Goodbye, too soon.”

  4. Donna, I am so sorry to hear of your dad’s passing. You are doing the right thing by not going so don’t feel bad about that. We all want you around for a long time yet! Prayers go out to you.

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  6. Dear Donna,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. Be gentle with yourself in the coming days. I’ll keep you and the family in my thoughts and put out a drink and a tastykake for him.

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  8. So so sorry ..he certainly knew he was loved. I’m glad you made the decision not to go. I think he would have wanted you to be safe.

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  10. Please accept my condolences on the passing of your Dad. There are no words that can make this better, but please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  12. Donna, I have been a reader for many years. I will be thinking of you and sending you and your family my love from South Jersey.

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  15. Donna, so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine. Stay safe and think of your Dad in your own special way.
    Prayers are with you, reading your columns have gotten me through some tough times

    Jaemi

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  16. I’m so sorry for your loss Donna. COVID is a cruel illness. We just lost someone recently, and had to view the funeral service online. Do what you need to, to stay safe. Your Dad would understand.

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  17. My gosh! I am so sorry. I lost mine far too early and my Mom 14 year ago. It hurts so much and nothing will change that. I am going to a socially distanced grief support group . I have lost 8 in 5 years. God bless you always.
    Sue

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  20. Sorry to hear about your loss. Hopefully you can get in better shape and fight the virus better if you get it. It’s been so scary to look at the statistics on the virus is so much worse for overweight people.

    I’m doing my best to try to stay in better shape, or at least not gain any more weight.

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  23. I’ve always asked families what their best memories of their loved ones are Those memories will get you through some of this pain Yes, your father heard all of you talking to him, he’ll always hear all of you and love and remember every single one of you forever!

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  25. Donna, This is heartbreaking news. On this historic evening, many in our country are hoping & praying that @ some future point, there will be dramatically fewer people in your position. Far too many have suffered & I am so terribly sorry that this pandemic has touched you personally. Please accept my heartfelt condolences.

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  31. I pray that you will be alright. I know what it’s like to lose a father. Mine died 48 years ago. My mothef died 30 years ago. You’ll miss him like crazy! God be with you and your family.

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  32. Damn this plague that has taken far too many too soon. Donna, I am so sorry your dad was one more. He is not a statistic to you. He is a beloved parent and treasured mentor who loved and was loved.

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  35. Donna, I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your Dad. I’m here in Central NJ, praying hard for you. May you find comfort and peace in your memories of your Dad.
    We are going through the very same thing. My brother-in-law passed away last night, and we are unable to go see my husband’s family in North Carolina due to the lockdown. It’s so sad.

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  38. Though we have never met in person, from so many connections of the past (Philly, “The Inky” et al.) as well as your writing and generosity, I feel like I do. I wanted to send some positive comments on your Day of the Dead with food post, but something told me to wait. In the summer of 1972 my Mom died in a horrible freak car accident. I was 27 years old at the time, and too young (immature) to appreciate the extraordinary and special person that she was. The following summer I had a baby boy. Recently, that “boy” now a 47 year old man, said that he felt that he had known my Mom as he was growing up, because I always talked about her and quoted her. That is what it is all about—those that we love, live on through us. As I am crying and praying for you, in my head is playing, “Nobody makes a cake as tasty as a Tasty Kake.” My heart is with you today!

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  42. Our deepest condolences, Donna. I had so hoped he would pull through. Just as surely as I know my gran wouldn’t have wanted me to travel back to her funeral so soon after my visit to her when she was still with us years back, I know your dad wouldn’t have wanted you to risk yourself to attend his services. *Safe hugs*

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  43. Donna – I’m so sorry to hear of your father’s death. Something you said in your 11/06 post made me think he had passed, but I didn’t want to ask about it in the comments. I felt you would provide information when you felt ready. And you have, in the wonderful voice that I have listened to, taken advice from, and taken heart in for many years. Take care of yourself, and allow others to take care of you too. – Deb

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  44. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your post reminds me what a fantastic writer you are. What a beautiful tribute to your Dad.

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  46. It’s a wrenching thing to lose someone we love so much. Keep remembering all those joyful moments and treasure them. My prayers are with you and your family, Donna.

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  48. I’m so sorry, Donna. Much as I’d hoped for a different outcome, I was afraid he was just not strong enough to overcome this additional stress on his system. It’s a tragedy that shouldn’t have happened. I’m grateful you have wonderful memories and hope they’ll sustain you in the days ahead.

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  50. Oh Donna, I have tears in my eyes because I can tell how very much you loved your dad. I’m so sorry for your profound loss; he sounds like a wonderful man, father and grandfather. My heartfelt condolences to your entire family.

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  51. What a beautiful tribute to your dad, Donna. So sorry for your loss. Grateful for Rachel, the nurse who could be with him as he passed from our world into the next. Be kind to yourself about not traveling to the funeral. Prayers for you and your family.

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  55. Dear Donna, I am so sorry for your loss. Tears are running down my cheeks after reading your post. Losing a father is very hard and I know you loved him very much. My dad was called home over 13 years ago. He was a great man, loved to help people and talk to them, loved his family, coffee and the NY Yankees. I’d like to think my dad was there to welcome your father. My sincere condolences to you and your family, may you find peace in your memories. I hope you know you have a devoted group of readers that care about you very much and are sending love your way. May God bless and bring you and your family comfort. Take care, Donna D.

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  57. I’m so sorry for your loss. You have always spoken fondly and with honour of your father. May you be surrounded by happy memories of the teaching moments he gave you. I believe when we pass that the others who loved us and we loved who have gone before are present. I believe he was surrounded by their love and the love of his friends and family on this side. He was never alone. Blessings.

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  59. At my beloved father’s funeral a few years ago, my mother couldn’t stop crying. At the grave site, though, I whispered to her, “Dad will always be with us,” and she was finally able to take a breath.

    And it’s true. Dad’s been gone since 2016, but he’s always with me.

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  60. So sorry to hear about your dad, Donna. Hope that your memories of him bring you comfort. Remember that because of those memories, he will be with you always. Sending long-distance hugs from South Jersey.

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  63. So sorry for the passing of your dad. Such a difficult things to deal with, especially long distance. However, I have the same preconditions as you do but I would go and be with family across the miles, to mourn together.

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  64. Donna — I’m so sorry for your loss. Your dad was loved, and he will always be with you. Take special care. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  66. Sweet Donna, my heart is breaking for you. So sorry for your loss.
    I just came in from the garden where I stood wondering what to do with the abundance of late tomatoes that are just ripening. Now I know what – and why – tomato sandwiches. Thank heavens for wonderful Dads who taught gardening and so, so much more!

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  67. I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. It was heartbreaking to read about your dad. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  68. Donna, Please accept my heartfelt condolences the loss of your father. What a beautiful tribute you wrote! It was one of your most outstanding posts, and you are always a truly gifted writer. (I know your dad must’ve been super proud of you and Abby.) Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  69. Donna,
    I am so sorry to read of the passing of your beloved Dad. Don’t feel guilty for not coming to NJ, it is not safe. Have a service in Alaska.
    Yours is the third condolence I am writing this week. Tuesday was a coworkers Mom. Last week a friend’s daughter. One month ago was a friend’s Mom. It’s seems everyday brings more.
    Sending prayers of peace and comfort to you and your family.
    Cathy

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  74. Donna, you have been in my prayers since your first post about your father’s hospitalization. You will continue to be in my prayers for peace, for the sense of your father’s spirit to be with you to offer consolation. I am very sorry that you have lost your father.

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  77. Oh, Donna. I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family, and I’m glad you all had that last time together with him.
    My thoughts are with you and yours.

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  78. Although I sent my condolences on Twitter I just wanted to say so sorry for the loss of your dear loved one. Hope you take care of yourself and mental health the best you can. I’ll keep you and Abby in my prayers

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  80. Donna, I am so sorry for your loss! I can only imagine how much this hurts and not being able to be there just adds to the loss. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.

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  81. Please accept my deepest condolences to you and your family on your loss.
    One is never prepared to lose a loved one. May all the love and remembrances you receive help to support you and give you a bit of comfort.

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  83. Donna, my very deepest condolences on the loss of your Dad. Never an easy thing, for a girl to lose her Dad. After reading your attached blogs, I truly feel like I know him in some ways. My favorite was reading about the ticket issued to George Peed…for losing control! Quite the sense of humor he possessed! I loved seeing the photograph of him…funny, he looked a lot as I pictured him. May you get through this as best you can and please know your “family” who follow your blog is here for you. Take care.

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  84. Donna, I am so very sorry for your father’s passing. You always spoke so lovingly of him, he must’ve been a very special person. My condolences and sympathy.

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  87. I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved father. May the Lord comfort you with the knowledge that your dad is in His loving care.

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  88. My condolences Donna. This sucks big time.

    May your memories comfort you. Take care of yourself.

    I learned when both my mom and dad passed away, that their age or their illness did not take away the pain.

    Please be kind to yourself.

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  89. My heartfelt condolences. Losing a father is it’s own kind of gut punch and COVID is particularly cruel about death and family. You are correct, the living suffer when the dead are beyond suffering. Virtual hugs to you.

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  90. Donna,
    The news of your Dad’s passing makes me so sad. I have loved your stories referencing him over the years. Thank you for sharing him a little bit with all of us. I hope you’ll continue to do so if/whenever you feel like it.
    We (your readers) all appreciate you Donna. I sincerely hope you will be able to feel the prayers, on your behalf, at work. You’re dear to us.

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  92. Dear Donna,
    I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad. He sounded like an amazing person. I hope your memories (and New Jersey tomatoes!) provide some comfort to you during this sad time.
    Den

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  93. Donna ~ I am so sorry for your loss! I am sure that it is difficult not to be with your family at this difficult time. I am sending prayers your way for peace.

    God Bless & Keep The Faith

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  94. Donna. It is so hard to lose a parent. Hopefully his life left you with many sweet memories of his love. My sincere sympathies to you and your family.

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  95. MAN….DONNA….This has to be tough … cancer and then COVID…and he seemed to be coming along….Thats what makes this virus so simister as I understand it….Please know you will be in our thoughts…Best Wishes

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  96. Donna,
    I am so very sorry. It is a terrible loss made so much worse by our current circumstances. Much love to you and your family.

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  101. Oh, Donna. It’s so hard to lose a parent, but not being able to attend the funeral on top of it? I’m glad you’re taking comfort in his faith that he’s going on to his next home. The best of him carries on in you, his pretty girl.

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