DF is at it again. As in, he never really stopped. The man never met a word he couldn’t play.
He cannot help making terrible puns, and I cannot help writing them down.
Some of them, anyway. Some are a bit too risqué to share, and others are so obscure it’s too hard to explain them in print. The fact that I understand them myself clearly shows that he and I were made for each other.
Every so often I publish a collection of them, inspired by the “Sh*t My Dad Says” books/Twitter feed/television show. [As an Amazon affiliate, I may be compensated for items bought through my links.] Each time, I can hear the groans of anguish (and sometimes admiration) from my readers, yet I can’t stop posting.
Sorry/not sorry. Some of these things are too good/bad not to share. This is your cue either to run screaming from the virtual room, or to stick around and be amused/buffeted by the volume of nonsense that the man emits on a regular basis.
Me, I can’t get enough of them. You, however, have been warned.
Love and chocolate
I came back from the Talkeetna Bachelors Auction and Wilderness Woman Competition humming, “That’s Amore.” This is because that song starts playing over the loudspeaker partway through the auction, as a signal that it’s snack time. The local pizzeria sends over treats like ravioli, garlic bread and, of course, pizza.
One morning soon after that I heard DF singing,
When on graham crackers my
Choc and marshmallows lie
That’s a s’more-ay.
Mark your calendar
It seems that March 16 is National Panda Day. Last year I showed a panda photo to DF, and he recalled reading that the animals were expanding their range.
“They’re moving into cities and causing all sorts of problems,” he said. “It’s called the panda-emic.”
You moose be kidding
We were discussing moose – yes, we really were – and DF noted that their scientific name is Alces alces. “It would be fun to write a children’s book about the adventures of a moose,” he said, “and call it ‘Alces in Wonderland’.”
Di-no
DF mentioned that paleontologists had discovered a new type of dinosaur whose brain was so big it was likely capable of discussing existentialism and epistemology. “They call it the PhilosoRaptor.”
Condiment humor, part 1
We were listening to the local classical radio station when Chopin’s “Heroic Polonaise” was announced. DF noted that this is “what people in Poland put on their sandwiches: polonaise.”
(By the way: This is a tune you’ll likely recognize after a short time, even if you’re not a classical music buff.)
Condiment humor, part 2
While transferring mayonnaise from the giant Costco jug to a smaller, more manageable container, DF came up with the idea for a program involving a group of men who compete for the attentions of a comely young woman by cooking for her. The title, of course, would be “The Spatularette.”
Sounds fishy
While we were talking about saving money with coupons and rebates, the Mr Rebates cash-back site came up. DF said that this was also the name given to unidentifiable lures in a fishing shop: “Mystery Baits.”
Also on the subject of mystery…
The other day he told me about a new concept for senior housing complexes designed expressly for elders who love reading mystery novels.
The project, of course, is called “Sherlock Homes.”
Hair humor, part 1
Out of nowhere he told me about a new hairstyle: a mullet that can be pressed into service as a comb-over for those with male pattern baldness. It is known, naturally, as the “Mullet Over.”
Hair humor, part 2
I mentioned that I’d made an appointment for a haircut. He suggested that the proper name for a stylist should be “hairticulturist.”
Hair humor, part 3
One day I planned to visit my niece and her kids to watch “The Walking Dead” and maybe have my great-niece apply some hair color to my fading locks. DF quipped that I’d be “The Walking Dyed.”
Out of this world
I told him about a funny TV show that Linda B. and I are watching, “Resident Alien.” At the end of the first season the alien leaves Earth for home. DF suggested that he should come back and work at a hospital: “The Alien Resident.” Or that he become an opera singer: “The Resonant Alien.”
A slippery slope
He came back from skiing on Jan. 25, which happens to be Robert Burns’ birthday. The local classical station was playing music from or about Scotland. DF remarked that it was actually the birthday of that famous Scots skier, “Robert Berms.”
Pretty far afield
The radio announcer identified a piece of music being performed by the Academy of St. Martin in the Fields. DF said it reminded him of the time the bathroom at the Benedictine retreat wasn’t working. “And that’s when they found St. Martin in the fields.”
Playing it silly
Last year DF decided to work his way through “The Well-Tempered Clavier.” Each day he’d do at least one prelude and fugue. One day he asked, “How do you cuss out a convention of keyboardists? One fugue at a time.”
And the finale…
I saw an online ad for “fast free delivery of incontinence supplies.” DF’s immediate response: “I can’t wait!”
Related reading:
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Loved them all (I must have his same weird sense of humor). But the one that really cracked me up was the St. Martin’s in the field. And the music was the perfect accompaniment to the puns. Thanks for a delightful start to my day.
You’re welcome! I should probably have said something like “Listen past the first 30+ seconds and you’ll hear a theme that you probably know.” But I think most people will listen at least that long because the video stream was so mesmerizing.
I’m with Carolina on the one that cracked me up the most was St. Martin in the field. I think it’s because I can really draw a visual on that one!
Your DF’s sense of humor and bad word play remind me of my much loved Daddy George (my step-dad since I was 5 years old). Daddy instilled his love for off kilter humor into me and both my brothers. Every time you write about DF it sets off a cascade of warm feelings. As Bob Hope would sing — “Thanks for the memories!”
Happy to help!
SOOO hilarious!!! What is amazing is how quickly he must come up with these quips! Thanks for sharing !
It’s well-nigh instantaneous in some cases.
I love this type of humor! Keep ’em coming!
Your DF’s quips warm the cockles of my pun loving heart!
I love this guy and I’ve never even met him.
I love it!
Oh my gosh, I love your DF! He is funny !
DF does it again! And Chopin’s “Heroic Polonaise” wasn’t bad either.